Merry Christmas 2016

Another year has gone by and once again, I did not send any Christmas cards.  I really wanted to this year, but budget wins again.  I promise to make a much bigger effort next year and mail cards out because I LOVE receiving your Christmas cards!

Here are some highlights from our year:

January
We rang in the New Year quietly at home, the boys enjoying staying up until Midnight.  In January, the kids were all quite involved in Awana and youth groups at a small church we were attending 1 town north of us.  Super C also attended a second youth group at his best friend's church about 25 minutes away.  Teenage activities kept me running from place to place.





February
February brought much of the same running around with the kids.  We enjoyed the mild winter we had and spent much of our time outdoors at the local sledding hill in our neighborhood and on our frozen pond to the side of our house.  My kids all need quite a bit of help in the ice skating area.  And I found that it's not as easy anymore in my 40's, but it was still fun to try.

We welcomed the Year of the Monkey as we celebrated Chinese New Year with our China Beauty in February.






March

We took a long weekend to Chicago to see my mom over her birthday.  We saw Jay's best friend Mark and his family who were visiting from North Carolina too.  I also got a chance to spend time with some fellow "China families" whom I love dearly.  It is always good to be among friends!

April
April was by far the kids' favorite month for 2 reasons:

1.  We ended another year of homeschool!  Super C finished 7th grade.  Super E finished 3rd grade.  Quiet Tiger wrapped up a shaky year of homeschool kindergarten.

2.  We used our tax return and took the family to the Wisconsin Dells for a week.  Being off-season, we got a deal of a lifetime.  We played family laser tag, indoor minigolf, the boys did an indoor ropes course, and we spent every spare minute we had at one of 3 indoor waterparks.  Unfortunately, Super E's time in the water was cut short following a freak foot injury at one of the indoor playgrounds.  We spent a short while at the ER (first visit to the ER with any of our children, ever) across the street where they bandaged him up as best they could, but his time in the water came to an end.  Thankfully, his spirits were restored thanks to multiple families of Canada Geese on the resort property that he got to hand-feed, much like I had in my past.

Super E turned 9 while we were in The Dells.  He is all about Pokemon and will walk miles and miles with me Poke-hunting, no matter the time of day.  He is his father to a T, with that same sense of humor.  He is also still my constant helper, willing to lend a hand whenever asked.

May
In May, Jay started taking clients to Twins games as a business "thank you."  It was a horrible season with record losses and more rain delays this year, but being at the ballpark is enjoyable.  He took a business trip to Alabama at the end of the month with a friends from work to visit a product partner.

We made our first trip up to the cabin once Jay's mom returned from Texas and reopened her place in Hayward, Wisconsin.

We celebrated Quiet Tiger's 4th Gotcha Day at the cabin.


June

June brought more Twins games, more trips the cabin and Jay's Summer Regional work event for the whole family.  This year we were at the Grand View Lodge up near Brainerd.  We had a cabin large enough for our entire family that was literally right on the beach.  Waking up to the waves of Gull Lake and sinking my feet into the sand made me smile every morning.  The boys loved the kids activities including Human Hamster Balls and Quiet Tiger made a couple of boyfriends on the trip too!  Jay won 2 awards this year, one for making 2 new hires to the Jones Team and the other was a performance award.  It was by far our favorite Summer Regional yet.

Summer storms at the cabin were fierce and we experienced power outages and large trees down all over the property and town.  The damage was really remarkable and we are thankful that no one we knew was hurt.










July
We were home in Minnesota for fireworks this year, as Independence Day was a Monday.  We watched fireworks at our local high school, only learning later that my brother and his daughter were also there.  The show was very good.

Late in the month, I got a chance to introduce my family to my beloved town of Duluth, Minnesota for a family reunion for my mom's side of the family.  We stayed at my uncle's cabin, with record heat, yet without power thanks to another major set of storms that rocked the north again.  We spent a few days "camping" in the cabin with no running water, no power, taking baths in Big Lake at the other end of the lake from where my grandparent's cabin used to be.  The night before we left, power was finally restored, but again, the damage up north was something else with so many downed trees and power lines!  But it was fun to see my boys fall in love with Duluth!


We celebrated Quiet Tiger's 6th birthday at my uncle's cabin with family.  She has lost 3 teeth this year, not all at the same time of course.  She continues to press our buttons and keep us on our toes.  This year her one-handed abilities continue to amaze us as she has mastered the art of braiding hair!  Ten fingers are indeed overrated.

August

In August, I began going in to Jay's office 1 day a week.  His assistant announced her pregnancy earlier in the year but she had to take some medical time off and I began taking some online training modules at the office while she had weekly doctor's appointments.  The boys held down the fort at home, keeping Quiet Tiger in line for a few hours every Wednesday morning.

We were all absolutely glued to the Olympics in Rio, particularly cheering on a former co-worker's son as he won Silver in the Men's Steeplechase!  So exciting!  Way to go, Evan!

Jay and I celebrated 15 years of marriage on August 18th.  We found our favorite new sushi place right in our neighborhood and celebrated there with an amazing dinner for two!

In mid-August, I began my 5th year of homeschooling.  Super C began 8th grade and Super E began 4th.

At the end of the month, we went to a free open house at the Guthrie Theater downtown Minneapolis.  We had such fun taking a few improv classes and learning all about the theater.  Can't wait for the next Open House!  I highly recommend it to all families!











September

Life took a big change for Quiet Tiger -- she entered public school as a kindergartener.  After our rough year of homeschooling, we realized that homeschool wasn't working for her as a student or for me as her teacher.  We had no choice but to try the local public school and we reluctantly decided to have her try kindergarten once again.  The first few months of school were pretty much a living hell for us here at home as Quiet Tiger unleashed all the typical RAD behavior on us due to the stress of being away from us for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  It wasn't long before we sought more professional help for her including medication and psychologists.  We are still working on getting her the help she needs.  It is a long process and we'd appreciate your continued prayers for healing.

Super C became a teenager on September 16.  Friends far and wide helped me surprise him with a shower of greeting cards and letters from around the world.  He chose to have friends and neighbors over for pizza, cake, Nerf and video games.  Everyone slept over (they actually did get a few hours of sleep) and Super C still says that his 13th birthday was absolutely awesome!  Last year he passed me in height and this year I find myself looking up at him quite a bit!  Very soon, Super C will be moving into his own room in our home -- our current guest room.  He is excited to have his own space after 6 or 7 years of sharing a room with his little brother.  The room renovation will be fun to reveal in early 2017.  So, stay tuned.  And I would be remiss if I didn't mention that your kids might enjoy his YouTube Channel at Tepig916.






October
I officially began work in mid-October, filling in for Jay's assistant who began her glorious 16-week maternity leave.  Introduced into my vocabulary include SWPS, ADOT, DOL, and dozens more.  The first 3 weeks of work were really quite tough, as there is very little training for Branch Office Administrators, but after those initial weeks, I became much more comfortable.  Although it is a struggle to do someone's full-time job on part-time hours, I am doing the best I can and I am enjoying it most days.  But I miss my boys and teaching them tremendously.

For school, the boys began a new chapter with mom working. After starting the school year with me, Super C is now doing 16-weeks of independent study.  He is also student teaching his little brother.  Super C has a lot on his shoulders during this time, but he is handling it well.  I am one proud momma!


Jay turned 44 on October 21 and I turned 42 on October 27.  Celebrations were quiet at home.

The kids enjoyed their Halloween here at home.  Thanks to resale shop bargains, Super C was a gorilla, Super E was a skeleton, and Quiet Tiger was a clown.









November
We exercised our right to vote in November, but hated our choices.  We cringed to watch the aftermath of hate spewing across our nation on the news and on social media in the weeks that followed.  We are certain that our God is still on His throne, no matter who holds our presidential office.

But oh my gosh, how we cried tears of joy when our beloved Chicago Cubs won the World Series!  What an exciting series!  Fly the W!

Thanksgiving was a bit different this year.  Sadly, Jay's Aunt Patti passed away after a battle with cancer the Saturday before the holiday.  So, Jay flew down to the Dallas area to be with his family and to pay respect to his aunt. The kids and I stayed in Minnesota so I could hold down the office for a few days.  We celebrated the holiday with my mom and stepdad who drove up from Chicagoland, and my brother and niece who came over from the next town over.

During Jay's absence, we had our first snowfall of the year and the kids enjoyed playing outside. They sure do love the snow!


December
Things at the office continued to be busy thanks to new fiduciary changes and RMD season.  The holiday season added to the madness.  We enjoyed a nice Regional Christmas party in the nearby town of Big Lake.  I put on the Open House for Jay's office single-handedly.  We had a really good turnout of more than 30 clients and their families.

We've had our taste of true Minnesota winter with more snow and even -23F temps!  Wow!

Our plans for Christmas will be quiet here at home, likely spending time with my brother and niece.  We welcome visitors, so friends and neighbors, be sure to stop by and enjoy some holiday cheer.

We wish all of our family and friends a blessed Christmas season from all of us in Minnesota!

Jay and Brooke

Super C, Super E & Quiet Tiger

Juneau, Reese & Mack

Morning Psychology 101

My Quiet Tiger and I spent a crisp, colorful morning downtown Minneapolis next to the Mighty Mississippi,  spending an hour with Child Psychologist #1.

Having never been to such an office before, I had no idea what to expect, but....

I went prepared.

• I had my spreadsheet of ALL of Quiet Tiger's behaviors, from the day we brought her home, up through the very first month of school.

• I had my list of everything we have possibly tried, from Karen Purvis techniques, essential oils, sensory processing tools, yada yada yada.

• I had my Zoloft Diary of everything that had been going on since starting on a VERY LOW dose of anti-depressants to ease Quiet Tiger's anxiety.

She asked me what brought me to the office.  I explained that Quiet Tiger was adopted overseas and is a classic case of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  The psychologist talked to me.  The psychologist talked to Quiet Tiger.  At one point, she sent Quiet Tiger to wait in the waiting room (um, I didn't like that, but then again, I don't like discussing some things in front of Quiet Tiger either because of known triggers) and talked with just me.

The meeting didn't go as I had expected.  Unfortunately, I had a few pretty significant red flags...

1.  My first question to the doc (she's not a medical doc, but she is a PhD) was if she had experience with adoptees and reactive attachment disorder.  It was a simple yes or no question.  I got neither and that irked me.  It is a very fine specialty and we can't have just any person with a lengthy degree nailed onto her wall walking us through trauma counseling.

2.  She made it clear to me that she might not agree to helping us long term, that she would pass us off to another therapist, someplace else.  In 10 short minutes sitting in her office, I felt like I was inconveniencing her already.  I felt like walking out.

3.  When we discussed future meetings, I asked her what those meetings would look like.  She told me she would meet with both Quiet Tiger and I together, then with me alone, then with Quiet Tiger alone.  RED ALERT!  RED ALERT!  I had learned from other RAD moms that this is a BIG NO-NO for RAD kids because of their manipulation and triangulation.  Even therapists in one of my RAD groups has said she would NEVER ask to meet with a child alone without the parents present and she told me to "Run away fast!" from that psychologist.

So, after a few hours of unpacking my brain, we won't be returning to Psychologist #1.  We have since had an appointment with Psychologist #2 on November 1 and I will write about that meeting in another post.

In the meantime, be sure to catch my next post.  Because while it wasn't all bad at this first visit, the doc did call my own anxiety level to the table.  I wanted to be snarky with her and get in her face and say,

"Oh, you think I have anxiety issues?  Really, lady?  

After fighting like hell for 3 years just to bring a daughter home 

and then to have to fight for her heart for 4 bleeping years, 

you think I have anxiety issues?"  

I wish I could have been all defensive and snarky!  Instead I just smiled and nodded my head in complete agreement, reiterating that I wouldn't have been in her office had I not reached my share of anxiety and stress out of a desire to help my daughter.

So, I've been to my doctor and this momma is now getting help because I don't want to be a part of the problem.

I want to be a part of the solution 

for my daughter.  

I don't want my anxieties getting in the way of her healing.  Stay tuned for my next post about applying my oxygen mask before assisting my child.  I'm not too proud to share because too many others out there are bottling it all in, keeping all the plates spinning and it's eating us alive.  We needn't live like this.  It's time to reach out for help and it doesn't make us less of a human being.  Heck, trying to do this on my own has made me feel like less of a human being because I was completely numb to everything, everyone.  Getting help for me might just help me feel human again.  You think?  Stay tuned.

Medication for Your Monday

For all you adoptive mommas out there struggling as we are, maybe, just maybe this post can help you.  After our early weeks of school left our daughter spiraling out of control, we sought out medical professionals and are now medicating Quiet Tiger.

First of all, I'm not one to rush to meds.  Heck, this child has been home for 4 years and we are just now getting around to it.  But frankly, if my child falls down and skins a knee, I'm more the type of mom to say, "Rub some dirt on it.  You're fine."  Surprise, surprise, the spiritual gift of mercy does not even make my gift list, people!  I don't rush my kids to the doctor for every cough, sneeze or sniffle.  I don't even use over the counter meds often.  I'd rather the kids' immune systems do their job.  And while I'm not Miss Holistic, I do think natural remedies are worth a shot first.  I love to try good ol' vitamins and healthy foods and I enjoy trying essential oils before turning to our crazy expensive American healthcare.

Now, normally, I wouldn't share such sensitive, personal medical information out there on the inter-webs for the entire world populace to read, but I know how lonely, how agonizing, how devastating, how painful, how lonely (did I mention that before?) this road is and I have hope that our story can help at least one other family out there take a bold chance to fight for their trauma kiddo.

DO YOUR RESEARCH

I know a lot of docs out there hate their patients consulting Dr. Google for all their ailments.  But friends....

There are plenty of trauma, attachment, RAD, adoption/foster groups out there on Facebook or Yahoo where you can discuss these issues with other families also in the same boat.  Listen in on some of the conversations in those groups.  Ask your questions there.  Then take your research to the web.  For me, I put my focus on well known medical professionals such as Mayo Clinic.  I knew it was time for meds and I even knew which type we needed.  From hours and hours of research, these were our medication options:

1.  Stimulants.  These include some of the well known drugs for ADHD but also help with trauma kids.  An adoption friend of mine reported good findings with these and her beautiful China babe.  Yet I knew without a doubt that a stimulant would not be good for my daughter who continues to head bang in her bed at night.  Nope, a stimulant would not work.  I wouldn't touch those with a 10-foot pole.

2.  Benzodiazapines.  Benzos for short.  These are more of a temporary drug.  I knew that we needed something longer term.  Short term meds were not going to solve years of trauma for our Quiet Tiger.

3.  Anti-Depressants.  Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!  We have a winner.  Anti-depressants are not stimulants and they are not a short-term drug.  In fact, in my research, I learned that children on anti-depressants long enough have often been found "cured" (if you can believe it) of their anxiety issues and lead healthy adult lives, medication-free.  An anti-depressant is what I wanted, what we needed!

GO PREPARED

So, on a Friday afternoon, I went to the pediatrician and told her everything that happened.  I had it all typed out, dated with daily activities, including all the destructive, negative behaviors we had been enduring at home.  Document, document, document!  Think: spreadsheet, or at the very least, bullet points.  Easy to read, concise, yet detailed!  Every dirty, grimy, poopy little detail.  Every single little thing Quiet Tiger did, I had documented.

But don't forget to include all you have tried!  Every single thing we tried: essential oils, L-theanine tabs from The Vitamin Shoppe, melatonin, weighted blankets, sensory outlets like sit-n-spins/trampolines/rockers, I had it all documented and printed and handed the paper to the doctor.

My doctor got it.  She did.  She's an adoptive mom.  She understood.  And, I would be remiss if I didn't quote to you what she said to me.  Get a load of this:  She leaned in to me nose to nose, like a close-talker, and whispered to me (so that Quiet Tiger wouldn't hear too much),

"I give you China moms a lot of credit.  

You China moms see it all.  You China moms go through it all."  

Yep, I broke down in quiet sobbing, head in hands, shoulder shaking tears.  

Finally, someone understood me.  

Finally, someone heard me.  

If her words don't tell you that she knows, that she has other patients reporting the same, that I am NOT CRAZY, friends, I don't know what does.

I told her that was time for help.  

I told her this was the last straw, 

that I couldn't take it anymore, 

that my daughter couldn't take it anymore.  

Our doctor is very soft spoken and a bit wishy-washy, in all honesty, but she did agree to trying meds.  I had to agree to taking Quiet Tiger to a Child Psychologist, and I agreed and then she agreed to the meds.  She turned the computer screen towards me and showed me 2 anti-depressants -- Prozac and Zoloft -- that are FDA approved for children.  But she was clearly VERY UNCOMFORTABLE medicating a 6 year old child.  I, on the other hand, was demanding it, completely comfortable with it.  No qualms whatsoever.  She showed me the FDA specifications for Prozac, stating that it was approved for ages 7 and up.  She wasn't comfortable with prescribing it for a 6 year old, although she would if I agreed to it, if I wanted it against medical advice (I would have).   But then she showed me the specs for Zoloft and it was FDA approved for ages 6 and up.  She still hesitated, biting her lip.  Yet I nearly jumped up from the uncomfortable plastic doctor's office chair.  I tapped the computer screen a few times and stifled a shout but said solidly, "That's it.  That's the one I want.  Zoloft.  That's the one."

FIGHT FOR YOUR CHILD

Doctor Wishy-Washy continued her hesitation but I stood firm.  I wasn't angry, I didn't raise my voice.  In fact, I broke down in tears when she told me that "Love isn't enough to heal these kids."  Tears.  She gets it.  She really does.  She only agreed to give Quiet Tiger half the recommended dose of Zoloft for a 6 year old.  I could live with that.  It was better than nothing and I felt if I pushed for the full dose, she'd send me away empty handed.  After all, we could start small and only go up from there if it didn't end up helping as much as we needed.

We left the office with meds.  We left the office with help.  We left the office with renewed hope, hope that had been lost in that fast-flowing downward spiral after only 3 shorts weeks of public school.

Friends, believe me, I am documenting each and every day on this medication.  Another spreadsheet.  I call it my Quiet Tiger Zoloft Diary.  The pharmacist told me that it takes 4-6 weeks to take it's full effect, but we were only given enough for 20 days.  Dr. Wishy-Washy will want to see us before giving us a renewable prescription, so we'll have to succumb to another office appointment (and pricey bill, I'm sure).  After our first round is complete, I will be more than happy to share my findings with you, even if we find this isn't the right med for Quiet Tiger.

Please keep us in your prayers!

School Girl UPDATE

Here we are well over 1 month into school and I'm just getting around to posting our very first update.  There are a few reasons for my delay in posting.

1.  We wanted to give it a good amount of time before posting our findings.
2.  We've been busy and have had our hands more than full at home.
3.  We've been actively pursuing professional help.

Week I

The first week of school seemed to go really well for the most part.  Quiet Tiger's schedule starts at 7:15am when she gets up.  She normally gets up on her own.  We brush teeth and get her in the shower.  Then dress and have breakfast.  We head out to the bus stop at the corner at 8:30am and the bus arrives 10-15 minutes later.  I know she is one of the last kids on the bus.  School starts at 9:15am and releases at 3:45pm.  She takes the bus home and she is also one of the last kids off the bus, arriving home between 4:30 and 4:45pm.  After that, we enjoy a snack while she talks about her day.  She unwinds outside in the sandbox or with a cartoon on Netflix while I make dinner.  We eat at 6-ish, then it's bedtime at 7pm.  No time for anything else, let alone breathing, on a school night!

But that first weekend things started to twist and turn for our Quiet Tiger.  My boys and I usually camp out in the living room on weekends.  They are too old to sleep in our room, so this is the next best thing. We've tried to include Quiet Tiger, but she cannot handle it (for reasons that are much too lengthy to explain).  That Saturday morning was when it all began, when the twister that is Quiet Tiger started spinning.  I heard her come downstairs that Saturday morning and get into food that had mistakenly been left out the night before.  When confronted, she lied about stealing the food, despite being caught with her sticky fingers in her mouth and evidence of said sticky fingers in the bowl.  When confronted, she goes to that far off place and starts raging and that's exactly just what happened.  Uncontrollable RAGE.  Just an hour or so later, I was folding up blankets in the living room and found my afghan with a huge, grapefruit-sized hole in it, right next to Quiet Tiger.  I had used that afghan the very night before for our campout, so I can attest to it's being intact.  The dogs had not been playing, wrestling, or anything that morning, and I could eliminate them as the culprits.  Quiet Tiger has a history of destroying afghans (from her preschool days) and although she lied about it, we knew she did it.  (The next day she admitted it.)

I sent an email to her school social worker to document what had happened because we quickly recognized the signs of the downward spiral.

Week II

The second week of school seemed to go well.  Again, the weekdays are so jam-packed that there is hardly any time for bad behaviors to well up.  But oh, the weekends....

The weekend brought on the spiral and we dealt with more crap.  And this time I mean it.  Quite literally.  Crap.  Insert poop emoji, except it wasn't funny.  Not funny at all.  Quiet Tiger began pooping in her pants.  Just as she had when she was in preschool.  She was not sick.  She did not have a fever.  She had not gotten into dairy or juice or anything that causes her uncontrollable digestive issues.  She had to keep her wits about her, to keep control of herself, all day long, all week long at school and when the week was over, in the safety of her own home, she couldn't control herself, her thoughts, her anxieties any longer.  She decided to find that control in her world by controlling her bowels.  Oh, Jay and I were NOT HAPPY!

She did it once.

Then she did it twice.

That second time was so bad [grossness alert...], she played with it and smeared it all... over... her... room, and the mess was so bad I had to throw away her sheets.  Not only that, the carpet was so trashed from her poop painting, I was forced to rip up the carpet in her bedroom.  You can imagine my disgust.  Plywood subfloors will be just fine enough for her until we can budget for new flooring.

Week III

Week three was supposed to be so much fun at school with a field trip at the end of the week to the apple orchard.  But instead of the weekend spiraling out of control, our daughter started to spiral during the school week, pooping her her pants again.

Week IV

I learned that Quiet Tiger lied to her teacher about pooping in her pants, claiming it was a stomach ache.  And then on Wednesday, she forcefully broke her glasses on the bus ride home from school.  Keep in mind, those glasses are for school only and were supposed to stay at school.  And Walmart optical doesn't do insurance, so we'll be paying for a new pair of glasses.  That Friday, the teacher called me and told me that Quiet Tiger and a classmate argued with each other while they were in reading group.  I believe the reading teacher's words were, "This was the worst I had seen in my career."  Keep in mind that the other student was equally to blame, and I have no idea how long this reading teacher's career has been, but still deplorable behavior.  And that weekend at the cabin we had more out of control behavior, more poop, you name it.

THIS MOMMA HAD HAD IT!!!!

I called our local pediatrician who is a fellow adoptive mom.  One of her nurses called me back and told us to schedule an appointment with the doc (which I did) and also to call our insurance for a referral to a Child Psychologist who could further diagnose our daughter (which I did).

Unfortunately, the closest psychologists to us only work part-time and did not return calls or emails promptly.  We met with the pediatrician on Friday afternoon as soon as the apple orchard field trip was over following Week 3 of school.  I told the pediatrician that I didn't care if I came across as "THAT MOM," but that my husband and I had had E-N-O-U-G-H.  I gave our pediatrician my goals:

1.  Diagnosis

2.  Medication

3.  Therapy

I had to live with 1 out of 3.

I didn't get #1.  Our pediatrician is knowledgeable of attachment disorders, but told us we'd need to seek not only a Child Psychologist but also maybe a Child Psychiatrist to diagnose our daughter.  I told her I was waiting to hear back from 3 professionals in our area, but that we'd definitely get on someone's schedule for professional help as soon as humanly possible.

After some degree of pushing (and a brief breakdown complete with a few shed mommy tears) our doctor hesitantly agreed to #2 -- trying prescription meds.  I'll write about this more in my next post because there is much to tell and much to share with you fellow adoptive trauma mommas who are in the trenches with me.  It's a post I don't think you'll want to miss.

Number 3, therapy, may come with the help of that Child Psychologist.  It has been a fight after fight after fight to get information from our insurance and our EAP.  We had our first appointment today and I have to process and unpack all that is in my brain before I post about that!

Yep, we've been spiraling out of control around here.  I'd classify this as an F5 Quiet Tiger Twister.  As much as I couldn't believe it, it didn't take me by surprise, if that makes any sense at all.  It definitely put us at the end of our ropes with numb fingers and no net underneath us.  Left me feeling completely empty with nothing left to give a single soul.  A fellow RAD mom said exactly how I feel:  "I feel like a failure all the time."  It's not a fun way to live, people.  But this is the life of attachment disorder.  I had hoped beyond hope that this year would go smoothly.  I just don't think it's going to happen without some professional help.

Keep praying friends!

And stay tuned for my next post about medicating.  Maybe what we are experiencing can help others.

School Letter

If you're friends with me on Facebook, then you've heard that our first week of school with Quiet Tiger was really pretty much okay for the most part.  How's that for a description?  But what you may also have heard is that the weekend pretty much sucked because the girl stole food and lied about it to my face, with her sticky fingers in her mouth and then she proceeded to tear a huge hole in my own afghan, the first I ever knit, my favorite one in the house.  Talk about making the attack personal.  The hole was far beyond repair and I sobbed as I marched out to the garage with my beloved afghan that took me months to knit, dumping my treasure in the garbage can.  I couldn't even look at her much less speak to her after that.  

I really want to take a moment to thank those of you who took time to reach out to me after I posted our Sunday drama.  I really try to keep my Facebook positive.  I can't handle all the negativity out there and I want to be the good and post the good whenever I can.  But Sunday, it just needed to be negative because I was so hurt by her actions.  Those of you who reached out to me either by a comment, a private message or a text message, you need to know how meaningful it was to me to have you by my side.  So many of you get it because you are living it yourselves.  Thank you, precious friends.  There is no way I could have made it through my Sunday without you.

That long intro leads to today's post.  Below is the letter I sent to Quiet Tiger's school.  I had hoped to hand out more copies to more teachers who would be in direct contact with Quiet Tiger, but we didn't meet all the teachers at that crowded, chaotic school open house.  Many adoptive parents send letters  like this to their schools and teachers.  Jen Hatmaker, a famous blogger and adoptive mom, has written a pretty good one and I basically went off of that, but I had much more that I wanted to include.  I kept it as brief as possible, not wanting to go into multiple pages (mine was 1 page, printed front and back).

August 17, 2016

Dear Teachers and School Staff,

We are looking forward to the 2016-2017 school year and we are excited to be a part of [school name]!  As we are new to your school, we would like to take a brief moment of your time to introduce our family.

We are Jay and Brooke, dad and mom to 2 wonderful biological boys and 1 darling adopted daughter.  Our daughter is attending your school this year.  While we are certain that our girl is not the first adopted child to enter your facility, we hope that listening to a bit of her story might help you figure out the best way to help her succeed this school year.

Quiet Tiger came from an orphanage in northern China.  She spent the first 22 months of her life in an extremely harsh environment.  She knew abandonment, hunger, neglect, and abuses that would break your heart.  Be assured that even those 22 short months of time has left its scars on our beautiful daughter.  Today she knows a loving, stable home with family and many friends in the area.  But just because she came home, doesn't mean that she's completely okay and able to put the past behind her.

Two years ago we tried public school for her, sending her to pre-school 5 days a week, for half days.  Her teacher was an adoptive father of 9 children, 1 of whom had attachment disorders like our daughter.  We were beyond thrilled that Quiet Tiger would be learning from a man who understood our issues and concerns!  But sending our formerly institutionalized child back to an institution was not a good idea.

You see, often times, these traumatized, attachment challenged children can hold it all together during the school day.  They can charm their teachers, be the little classroom leaders, attentive little learners, sweet teachers' helpers and model students.  However, once home, these same children lose all control because they have had to hold it together for 8 hours a day.  This was the case for Quiet Tiger.  She was a model student at school and all the teachers adored her.  Once she saw me at the front of the school to pick her up, she would lose all control.  She wouldn't look me in the eye or sit on my lap, she'd push me away or hit me, she would hardly speak to me and when she did, she resorted to baby talk, she would begin bouncing off the walls.  Her teacher saw these behaviors and tried to help her connect with me, using his best adoptive dad techniques, his best teacher techniques, to no avail.  Once home, our daughter would continue to unleash all types of negative behavior including destruction of school books, ripping up carpet, even soiling her pants, despite being toilet trained for years.

Last year we attempted homeschooling for kindergarten.  We had high hopes that the time spent at home and with mom would solidify an unbreakable, secure bond and a great year of learning.  While we did certainly see both academic and emotional growth, in the end, we were not certain homeschool was the right fit for her.

That brings us to today.  We are going to give your school a fair shot and have our girl try public school once again.  Perhaps now Quiet Tiger has the emotional capacity to handle schoolwork and being away from mom and dad all day.  But she may not.  Yet we are willing to give it our best attempt, even if that includes seeking a school counselor, if one is available, assistance from our social worker or other local professionals.  

In addition to attachment and anxiety issues, our daughter has a physical difference -- she was born without her right hand.  We are excited to tell you that we have found absolutely nothing this girl cannot do!  She likes to do karate, play tennis, swing from monkey bars, she will be able to tie her shoes, with help from a wristband and some Velcro she can jump rope!  In all things, we encourage her to find a way to do things that 2-handed children can do.  We do not exclude her from anything and assume your staff will do the same.  Quiet Tiger was not created to hide; she was created to shine!  Of course, we hope that you will help fellow students treat her respectfully and remind them that unkind words cannot be unheard.  We welcome questions from children because they are curious and simply want to learn and understand!  If we can come to your classroom to talk about physical differences, we would love to do so.  We have a few age appropriate books and family friendly websites to share with the students to better understand Quiet Tiger’s little hand.

Lastly, we would be remiss if we didn't kindly ask for your sensitivity on any class project regarding genealogy, family history, birth stories, et cetera.  These are topics that can be very hurtful to an adopted child.  If any such subject matter is to be planned, we would appreciate advanced notice so that we can work with you as a team on how best to approach this subject with our daughter.

We ask for your gentle understanding as we parent a child from a hard place.  We are thankful that we can count on you as members of Team Quiet Tiger!  We fully hope this year is a banner year for Quiet Tiger and that you can be a part of seeing a world of growth in our daughter this year.  If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us immediately.

Here's to a great year!

Jay & Brooke


Links about attachment disorders & childhood trauma:

·       http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder/basics/definition/con-20032126

·       http://www.attachment.org/reactive-attachment-disorder/

·       http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpteachrad.htm

·       http://empoweredtoconnect.org

      A quick PS to my blog readers and other families struggling with attachment disorder.  I wish I would have had the link below to include in the letter.  It was sent to me yesterday by one of my friends walking this road of adoption with me.  I loved this link and I think you will too.  It's lengthy, but it does explain things very well for teachers.

http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2016/09/parenting-our-children-with-reactive.html?m=1

School Girl

Today is the first day of public school here in Minnesota and it is Quiet Tiger's first day of kindergarten at our local elementary school.

A year of homeschool kindergarten nearly killed me.  Homeschooling my boys had always filled me up in ways I never knew existed.  It works for them and I would never in a million years ever think of sending them back to public school.  But sadly, homeschooling isn't right for Quiet Tiger and today she boarded that big yellow bus and went off to public school.

AND I HATE IT!

I HATE EVERY BIT OF IT!

This momma is one giant bag of mixed emotions today.  Bear with me as I unpack this chaos that is my brain.

Today I feel sad.

My baby is going off to kindergarten.   She has grown up so much and now she enters a big world out there without me.  No matter how hard we struggle with each other, I'm sad to let her go.

Today I feel anxious.

What you may or may not remember is that this very week, 6 years ago, Quiet Tiger's birth family abandoned her.  [And that noise you just heard was the collective sound of the crashing hearts of all those adoptive mommas out there who understand just exactly what that means.]  From all I have researched and written about here, we know that trauma doesn't tell time.  Quiet Tiger's brain does remember that day.  And what am I doing?  Here I am, abandoning her all over again... to the public school system... so very near of that dreaded 'trauma-versary.'  I know she will be cared for and we have told her time and again that she will come home every afternoon, but the timing of this couldn't be worse.  My heart aches that school has to start so late here in Minnesota, all thanks to our dumb State Fair.

Today I feel like a complete failure.

I worked my @$$ off last year to teach kindergarten to my daughter.  And she did learn.  She did!    Jay would come home at the end of the night and she'd be quick and excited to rattle off all she learned for him.  But she fought me.  She'd insist that 1+1 does not equal 2 despite using blocks and manipulatives.  She'd 'forget' how to count.  She never learned to read, not even to pre-read.  She seemed to 'check out' about 6-8 weeks before our 36 weeks of school was complete.  It felt like I had watched her hit a physical wall.  She couldn't do it anymore.  And yet we pushed onward.  I gave it my all and I feel like I failed her.  I deal with that a lot -- feeling like I have failed her in almost every realm of her daily life.  No matter how hard I try, I feel like I fail over and over again.

Today I feel angry.

Let's be completely honest here.  I'm not happy with our public school system.  Sure, there are great districts out there.  I was part of one when I was a kid and I'm thankful for the education I was blessed with!  And ours here may even be one of those great districts too.  And yes, there are awesome teachers and school administrators out there.  Some of my dearest friends are among those people.  This is not meant to slam them at all, please know that!  But I'm angry at how chaotic our school's open house was, particularly for those of us brand new to the school, it's staff and it's facility.  I'm angry that the teacher gave us less than 60 seconds of her time and seemed wildly overwhelmed.  I'm angry that we got sent home with a mountain of paperwork to go through, complete with papers to sign, initial and send back over a holiday weekend.  I'm angry that we were handed a homework project before school even began, to be completed on a holiday weekend.  I'm angry that she'll have homework through the school year.  I've been a homeschool mom long enough to read the studies that homework does not increase a child's knowledge, only piles on the stress and exhaustion after an already long day [for a 6 year old].  I'm angry that we have to be tied down to a rigid school schedule, dumb school rules and basically be at the mercy of teachers and school staff.  I'm angry that from this point on forward in the school year, I don't get any say about my daughter's education.

Today I feel fearful.

Do you remember what happened when we tried sending Quiet Tiger to preschool in Texas?  Because of that, I'm so scared of who will be coming home off that bus this afternoon.  I'm so scared that she'll be disregulated and off the wall and unable to connect with me.  I'm scared that she's going to resort to all kinds of negative behaviors.  I'm scared that we may have to relive that all over again and try hard to overcome.

Today I feel happy.

Wait, what?  After everything I just wrote above, I feel happy?  I told you I was a mixed bag of emotions.  I'm happy to be getting a break from this child.  I'm happy someone else gets to deal with her for 8 hours a day.  I'm happy that I will get to give my boys my best when it comes to their education.  And I'm happy that my boys will get a break from their sister too.  I'm happy that our school social worker has already called me to discuss some of our concerns about attachment disorder.  I'm happy that our principal is a relatively new adoptive dad who sees attachment disorder in his own daughter.  I'm happy that our school has current, fresh experience with a child with a limb difference.

Today I feel hopeful.

With all these wild emotions, I cling to hope.  I hope with all my heart that Quiet Tiger will learn this year.  I hope that she'll have a leg up on her peers academically, thanks to a year of homeschool under her belt.  I have hope that she'll learn to read.  I have hope that she will enjoy spending time with children her own age.  I hope that she will continue to grow emotionally and catch up to her peers on an emotional level.  I hope that she will be able to handle the time away from mom and brothers.  I have hope that maybe, just maybe, only 1 year of public school will be all she needs and that next year we can bring her home to give her the education that I strongly desire for her.  I have hope that this year will be an amazing year for Quiet Tiger.

Testing... Testing...

Homeschool may have ended back in early May, but I gave the boys a couple weeks to relax before doing our first ever round of Iowa Tests.  We never tested in Texas, but in Minnesota, standardized tests are a requirement, even though no one will from the local school districts will ever see our results.

I tested here in early June.  I gave each boy about a week to do the testing, only working a couple of hours each day.  Super E went first, followed by Super C; the girl did not need to be tested after kindergarten.  Both my boys were nervous as they had never been tested before (aside from Super C's STAR testing in public school years ago).  I was nervous for them and I was nervous for me too.  After all, we had been homeschooling for 4 years.  If those test results came back with horrid scores, my husband would call a quits to homeschool and send our boys back to public school, no matter how passionate his wife has become about homeschooling.

Test results are in and frankly, I'm wowed!

We always knew Super C was a bright kid.  He was reading at age 3 and it was a challenge to keep him engaged in public school.  He blew the test out of the park.

Super E worried me a bit as his reading didn't come until much later than his big brother.  He has his areas that he needs to work on, but even those areas he scored in the top 10% of all 3rd graders.  He amazed me.

I'm so very proud of my boys.  And to be completely boastful, I'm proud of myself too.  I love homeschooling but it is not all sunshine and roses.  I receive grunts and groans from my students and we have our days when nothing seems to click.  We have those subject areas that we all hate but trudge through (See Also: The Trojan War).  Those days are few, but they happen.  But to see that all my effort as their teacher has paid off so tremendously makes me just about want to burst.

WE did it!  All 3 of us.  WE did it!

Congratulations boys!

Wednesday Weigh In - Week 3

I gained this last week.

No surprise there.

We had Jay's Summer Regional for work and while we both tried to be good that entire long weekend, it just wasn't possible.  The company handed us huge gift bags filled with chips, pretzels, chocolate, candies, mints, etc. upon check in.  Breakfast was included at the resort and I was sure to eat eggs, meat and fruit, but I know I ate way too much of it.  Lunches were on our own every day and we'd head into town for pizza or something.  Dinners were provided by the company and the food was quite good, but it was nearly impossible to keep away from the tasty carbs.

Workouts didn't happen either.

And we came home on Father's Day.  I had planned a nice dinner of ribs, baked beans, corn on the cob, corn bread and peach cobbler.  After 3 days away, we enjoyed one more big dinner.  And then there were leftovers...

So, I put on 3-4 pounds.

Now that we're back home and back to eliminating bad carbs and back to exercising more regularly, I know those added pounds will come off.

I'm hoping for 10 pounds this month because we have my family reunion coming up at the end of July.

Oh, I need to mention that the rash I had on my arm is gone!  Eating carbs eliminated the rash.  My skin is still a little dark and discolored in that area and it does itch occasionally, but add carbs and the Keto rash goes away.  So annoying!

Here's to a successful week, even though all I want to do is eat all the yummy stuff we ate over the Regional weekend.

Makeover Monday -- Master Bedroom

Looking back, my May posts weren't too uplifting.  Ugh.  Heavy, ugly stuff.  Not pretty.  Now it's time for some fun.

I've completed our personalization of our master bedroom.  I didn't include this in my "Fixer Upper series," because so far, this is just paint on the walls and ceiling and dressers.  I haven't tackled the honey oak in this room yet.

I intended to use our Spring Break to get this done, but we took a long weekend to get away to Chicago and I came home with a miserable sinus cold that knocked me down for the remainder of the week. So, my goal was to get the bedroom painted during the month of April.

We chose Benjamin Moore's Silver Lining color, using Behr paints and a color match at Home Depot.  The ceiling is the same Behr Ceiling White that I did in the kids' rooms.

This is not our furniture.
I realized that the only BEFORE picture I had was from when we were looking at the house
while the owners were still living here (or at least in the process of moving).
But still gives you an idea of the boring beige walls.
And heck, even they had honey oak furniture!

More photos from the previous owner.
Just another angle of the room.
Notice those crazy hooks on each wall by the bed?
I still laugh at those and love that we could re-purpose them elsewhere.

Benjamin Moore Silver Lining

But I couldn't stop there.  You see, I had furniture -- honey oak furniture -- to paint too.  Ugh.

In May, I started with my nightstand.  That was easy to move to the deck for sanding, priming and painting.  Jay's nightstand didn't come with the set and it was already painted black, so that was one thing I didn't need to worry about even though it really could use some touch-ups.  Phew!  I will admit though, I'm such a huge fan of Fixer Upper that I second guessed painting the furniture black.  Joanna typically likes light or white furniture.  I feared black dressers would be overwhelming in a small bedroom, but our Ikea bed was already black, so I felt it was the direction we had to go.

My nightstand freshly painted
against my freshly painted walls.

After painting the nightstand, we had a week full of rain.  Every single day it rained.  So, no chance of moving my dresser outside to paint.  So, I lost a week and waited as patiently as I could.  Can I say that I HATE living with piles of clothes not in their rightful place while dressers are being painted?!?!  What a mess!  And our bedrooms are NOT big in this house.  No room for junk on the floors.  Everything went to the guest room.

My completed dresser.
I need to buy a pair of new metal runners for the drawers
because movers bent them and
2 drawers don't slide easily anymore.

While Jay was on a short business trip, I was able to get his dresser done.  That way he didn't have to be frustrated with all his clothes downstairs on our guest room bed during his regularly scheduled workweek.  But it meant that I was desperate for good weather.  Of course, we didn't get it.  Rain for 2 days.  So, I moved everything into the garage and parked my van in the driveway.  And the finished dresser was way too heavy for the boys and I to move upstairs, so Jay and I did that together on Friday afternoon when he was back home.

Jay's completed dresser.

A few resale shop finds, some decor from cheap ol' Walmart, and a mirror from Big Lots (seriously cheap mirrors there, people) and here we are today.  Our room is put back together and looking better.

Done!
Except for all the honey oak.

So relaxing now that it's done and
feels more like us.

The wall color is much more blue than we expected.  The paint card looked much more grey.  It all depends on the lighting.  But we like it.  And it will look better once I tackle all that honey oak trim and doors to a bright white like my fireplace downstairs.  I am itching to pull up the disgusting 20-year old carpet in our 3 upstairs bedrooms and have laminate installed!  Both the master bathroom and kids' bathroom need paint too.  I think I have the kids' bathroom color picked out but need to decide on the master bath color.  Someone seriously please help me pick out a color there!

Now that we can have windows open more often, I'll likely get to all that honey oak and my Fixer Upper blog series.  What will be first?  Maybe a bathroom, maybe the kitchen.  Not sure.  Stay tuned. And send help!  All this honey oak is bleeping overwhelming!

Year 4

Last Friday marked the 4 year anniversary of Quiet Tiger.

We were at the cabin, so this post couldn't go live until today,
because Wifi doesn't come easy in the woods.

We didn't celebrate the day.  We didn't even mention the words "Gotcha Day."  
No gifts, no special Chinese food meals, no cupcakes or fun desserts.  
Sometimes the reminder of trauma just brings the ugly.  And this year, we didn't want to bring it up.
Trust me, her brain remembered anyway.  
Her behavior was all over the place all week long.  

I realized that I never even posted a blog entry last year for her 3-Year-Gotcha-Day.  I know I had one written, but we were moving and life was chaotic, and I must have deleted the draft.  I also think I deleted it because it was a hard reality to swallow.  It was a good post, a very clear look at our life with a child from a hard place.  I wish I would have posted it.  So.....Today I'm posting about the hard reality that was last year -- Year Three -- and the hope I have for Year Four that we just entered into.

This is going to be a very harsh look at adoption.  My adoption friends might not like it.  They might prefer I shut my mouth as to not spread bad words.   But our story needs to be told, because it is our reality.  My reality.  And it is somebody else's reality too (in fact, many have it far worse) and that person needs to know that they are not alone.

Gotcha Day
May 28, 2012
Xi'an, Shaanxi China

I struggle with this child.

I struggled to get her home for way too long.  We struggled with our own family trauma during the adoption process that left its scars on me.  Its safe to say the scars haven't healed.

I struggled to help her adjust for way too long.  She struggled with the trauma of 22 months in an orphanage, all the scars that brings, and the difference of having a loving family.  Her scars haven't healed either.

I struggled with having a 5 year old who acted like a 3 year old.  Nearly every single day I cried real tears over this child, behind closed, locked bathroom doors.  I could almost audibly hear my prayers bouncing off the ceilings and ricocheting around the bathroom.

Gotcha Anniversary # 1
1 Year Home
May 28, 2013
San Antonio, Texas

The more I try to love her,
the more she pushes me away.

The more I try to teach her what is right,
the more she goes to do what is wrong.

The more I try to teach her that 1+1=2,
the more she fights and insists it's not.

The more fun we try to have,
the more out of control she gets.

The more I smile and dance and keep my calm,
the more she insists on being angry and screaming mad.

Raising a child from a hard place is tough.  Way tougher than I ever imagined.  And I suck at it.  I really, truly do.  Adoption is TOUGH!!!!!

And sometimes love isn't enough.
If love were enough, we wouldn't face the junk we face.

Somedays, I get yelled at by the girl I fought like hell to bring home.  She has been known to yell at me to my face, "I don't want you to love me!!!"

Yes, she has said those words this year.  To my face.  Multiple times.  And I turn around and cry someplace quiet, alone.

Yeah, it's that hard.

Gotcha Anniversary # 2
Two Years Home
May 28, 2014
San Antonio, Texas

I had hoped that last year was just tough because she was Family-Age-Three.

Family-Age-Three?  

That is how psychologists, social workers and adoption experts describe the development of a child from a hard place.  All adopted kids will be delayed in some way or another.  It's just a fact.  Every adoptive parent needs to expect delays even from a healthy child.  Here's what we mean by Family Age:

Simply put, Family Age is the length of time the adopted child has been with a family.  An adopted child will very often behave according to their Family Age instead of acting their chronological (birth) age.

Example:  A 7-year-old child home for 2 years will act like a 2 year old, despite being a 7 year old child according to their birthday.  A 3-year-old child home for 1 year will act like a 1 year old despite being 3 years old.  And so forth.

Do you see it?

For Us:  This past year, Quiet Tiger was 5 years old according to her birthday, but home with our forever family for 3 years.  So, despite being 5, she behaved like a 3 year old.  We called her our 3 year old in a 5 year old body.

And I despise all three-year-olds.  

Even my own sons, I hated at age three.  They were living terrors.  Case in point, when Super E was 3 and we were living in Nebraska, when we'd need to discipline him, he'd grunt in a very staccato way, "You... hate.... me."  We now laugh at it.  But back then, it drove us INSANE!  He knew we didn't hate him.  But my sweet, laid back, loving boy was gone for 1 year, the year he was 3.  Well, Quiet Tiger does the same thing, she only says those words, "You hate me," very nasally, not annunciating her words, very slurred, a sure sign of disconnecting.  I knew this age could be tough for my daughter, and that coupled with her adoption issues, that this past year might be the end of me.  It nearly was.

Gotcha Anniversary # 3
Three Years Home
May 28, 2015
San Antonio, Texas

To be honest, she has changed, she has grown, she has improved.  People who see her only a couple times a year have noticed how she has changed and matured and grown, physically and emotionally.  Just this weekend, my mother-in-law mentioned to me that Quiet Tiger's attention span has improved.  So, it is happening.  But the change comes slowly.  Too slowly even for me to see most days.  Too slowly for my liking.  So slowly that I get impatient and expect her to act her age, her real, chronological age, not her family age.

I have hope of my girl turning into a sweet Fabulous Four Year Old - a 4 year old in a 6 year old body this year (she'll be 6 in July).  I have hope that this will be the year that our family turns a corner, that the girl starts embracing our family, that she matures emotionally and begins to exit her state of family-age-toddlerhood.  But experts, psychologists and social workers say that it could be more like 5-7 years in the home before adopted kids "catch up," to their peers emotionally.  That statistic makes me sad because it is hard to hold on.  It makes it hard to be in the present when all I can do is hold on and hope and dream for some unknown future point when everything will be alright.  And maybe it will never be alright.  I have to accept that possibility too.

When I look at this face, this face, the face of the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in the whole wide world, I have hope and reason to hold on.  And I want it so badly that I ache.  But it is so hard!

And I'm just a broken, messed up mom 

raising a broken, messed up kid.

Gotcha Anniversary # 4
Four Years Home
May 28, 2016
At Grandma Collins' cabin
Hayward, Wisconsin

Please, PLEASE pray that this year, year four, would be a banner year for Quiet Tiger and our family.  That the bad toddler behaviors would diminish, that our daughter would continue to grow and catch up to her peers emotionally and that she would lessen the grip on her desire to control her world.  Please pray that we see the Fabulous Fours from our Quiet Tiger.

With all my heart, 
I truly wish my daughter a 
Happy 4th Gotcha Day!