Year 4

Last Friday marked the 4 year anniversary of Quiet Tiger.

We were at the cabin, so this post couldn't go live until today,
because Wifi doesn't come easy in the woods.

We didn't celebrate the day.  We didn't even mention the words "Gotcha Day."  
No gifts, no special Chinese food meals, no cupcakes or fun desserts.  
Sometimes the reminder of trauma just brings the ugly.  And this year, we didn't want to bring it up.
Trust me, her brain remembered anyway.  
Her behavior was all over the place all week long.  

I realized that I never even posted a blog entry last year for her 3-Year-Gotcha-Day.  I know I had one written, but we were moving and life was chaotic, and I must have deleted the draft.  I also think I deleted it because it was a hard reality to swallow.  It was a good post, a very clear look at our life with a child from a hard place.  I wish I would have posted it.  So.....Today I'm posting about the hard reality that was last year -- Year Three -- and the hope I have for Year Four that we just entered into.

This is going to be a very harsh look at adoption.  My adoption friends might not like it.  They might prefer I shut my mouth as to not spread bad words.   But our story needs to be told, because it is our reality.  My reality.  And it is somebody else's reality too (in fact, many have it far worse) and that person needs to know that they are not alone.

Gotcha Day
May 28, 2012
Xi'an, Shaanxi China

I struggle with this child.

I struggled to get her home for way too long.  We struggled with our own family trauma during the adoption process that left its scars on me.  Its safe to say the scars haven't healed.

I struggled to help her adjust for way too long.  She struggled with the trauma of 22 months in an orphanage, all the scars that brings, and the difference of having a loving family.  Her scars haven't healed either.

I struggled with having a 5 year old who acted like a 3 year old.  Nearly every single day I cried real tears over this child, behind closed, locked bathroom doors.  I could almost audibly hear my prayers bouncing off the ceilings and ricocheting around the bathroom.

Gotcha Anniversary # 1
1 Year Home
May 28, 2013
San Antonio, Texas

The more I try to love her,
the more she pushes me away.

The more I try to teach her what is right,
the more she goes to do what is wrong.

The more I try to teach her that 1+1=2,
the more she fights and insists it's not.

The more fun we try to have,
the more out of control she gets.

The more I smile and dance and keep my calm,
the more she insists on being angry and screaming mad.

Raising a child from a hard place is tough.  Way tougher than I ever imagined.  And I suck at it.  I really, truly do.  Adoption is TOUGH!!!!!

And sometimes love isn't enough.
If love were enough, we wouldn't face the junk we face.

Somedays, I get yelled at by the girl I fought like hell to bring home.  She has been known to yell at me to my face, "I don't want you to love me!!!"

Yes, she has said those words this year.  To my face.  Multiple times.  And I turn around and cry someplace quiet, alone.

Yeah, it's that hard.

Gotcha Anniversary # 2
Two Years Home
May 28, 2014
San Antonio, Texas

I had hoped that last year was just tough because she was Family-Age-Three.

Family-Age-Three?  

That is how psychologists, social workers and adoption experts describe the development of a child from a hard place.  All adopted kids will be delayed in some way or another.  It's just a fact.  Every adoptive parent needs to expect delays even from a healthy child.  Here's what we mean by Family Age:

Simply put, Family Age is the length of time the adopted child has been with a family.  An adopted child will very often behave according to their Family Age instead of acting their chronological (birth) age.

Example:  A 7-year-old child home for 2 years will act like a 2 year old, despite being a 7 year old child according to their birthday.  A 3-year-old child home for 1 year will act like a 1 year old despite being 3 years old.  And so forth.

Do you see it?

For Us:  This past year, Quiet Tiger was 5 years old according to her birthday, but home with our forever family for 3 years.  So, despite being 5, she behaved like a 3 year old.  We called her our 3 year old in a 5 year old body.

And I despise all three-year-olds.  

Even my own sons, I hated at age three.  They were living terrors.  Case in point, when Super E was 3 and we were living in Nebraska, when we'd need to discipline him, he'd grunt in a very staccato way, "You... hate.... me."  We now laugh at it.  But back then, it drove us INSANE!  He knew we didn't hate him.  But my sweet, laid back, loving boy was gone for 1 year, the year he was 3.  Well, Quiet Tiger does the same thing, she only says those words, "You hate me," very nasally, not annunciating her words, very slurred, a sure sign of disconnecting.  I knew this age could be tough for my daughter, and that coupled with her adoption issues, that this past year might be the end of me.  It nearly was.

Gotcha Anniversary # 3
Three Years Home
May 28, 2015
San Antonio, Texas

To be honest, she has changed, she has grown, she has improved.  People who see her only a couple times a year have noticed how she has changed and matured and grown, physically and emotionally.  Just this weekend, my mother-in-law mentioned to me that Quiet Tiger's attention span has improved.  So, it is happening.  But the change comes slowly.  Too slowly even for me to see most days.  Too slowly for my liking.  So slowly that I get impatient and expect her to act her age, her real, chronological age, not her family age.

I have hope of my girl turning into a sweet Fabulous Four Year Old - a 4 year old in a 6 year old body this year (she'll be 6 in July).  I have hope that this will be the year that our family turns a corner, that the girl starts embracing our family, that she matures emotionally and begins to exit her state of family-age-toddlerhood.  But experts, psychologists and social workers say that it could be more like 5-7 years in the home before adopted kids "catch up," to their peers emotionally.  That statistic makes me sad because it is hard to hold on.  It makes it hard to be in the present when all I can do is hold on and hope and dream for some unknown future point when everything will be alright.  And maybe it will never be alright.  I have to accept that possibility too.

When I look at this face, this face, the face of the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in the whole wide world, I have hope and reason to hold on.  And I want it so badly that I ache.  But it is so hard!

And I'm just a broken, messed up mom 

raising a broken, messed up kid.

Gotcha Anniversary # 4
Four Years Home
May 28, 2016
At Grandma Collins' cabin
Hayward, Wisconsin

Please, PLEASE pray that this year, year four, would be a banner year for Quiet Tiger and our family.  That the bad toddler behaviors would diminish, that our daughter would continue to grow and catch up to her peers emotionally and that she would lessen the grip on her desire to control her world.  Please pray that we see the Fabulous Fours from our Quiet Tiger.

With all my heart, 
I truly wish my daughter a 
Happy 4th Gotcha Day!