If you're friends with me on Facebook, then you've heard that our first week of school with Quiet Tiger was really pretty much okay for the most part. How's that for a description? But what you may also have heard is that the weekend pretty much sucked because the girl stole food and lied about it to my face, with her sticky fingers in her mouth and then she proceeded to tear a huge hole in my own afghan, the first I ever knit, my favorite one in the house. Talk about making the attack personal. The hole was far beyond repair and I sobbed as I marched out to the garage with my beloved afghan that took me months to knit, dumping my treasure in the garbage can. I couldn't even look at her much less speak to her after that.
I really want to take a moment to thank those of you who took time to reach out to me after I posted our Sunday drama. I really try to keep my Facebook positive. I can't handle all the negativity out there and I want to be the good and post the good whenever I can. But Sunday, it just needed to be negative because I was so hurt by her actions. Those of you who reached out to me either by a comment, a private message or a text message, you need to know how meaningful it was to me to have you by my side. So many of you get it because you are living it yourselves. Thank you, precious friends. There is no way I could have made it through my Sunday without you.
That long intro leads to today's post. Below is the letter I sent to Quiet Tiger's school. I had hoped to hand out more copies to more teachers who would be in direct contact with Quiet Tiger, but we didn't meet all the teachers at that crowded, chaotic school open house. Many adoptive parents send letters like this to their schools and teachers. Jen Hatmaker, a famous blogger and adoptive mom, has written a pretty good one and I basically went off of that, but I had much more that I wanted to include. I kept it as brief as possible, not wanting to go into multiple pages (mine was 1 page, printed front and back).
August
17, 2016
Dear
Teachers and School Staff,
We
are looking forward to the 2016-2017 school year and we are excited to be a
part of [school name]! As we are new to your school, we would
like to take a brief moment of your time to introduce our family.
We
are Jay and Brooke, dad and mom to 2 wonderful biological boys and 1
darling adopted daughter. Our daughter is attending your school this
year. While we are certain that our girl is not the first adopted child
to enter your facility, we hope that listening to a bit of her story might help
you figure out the best way to help her succeed this school year.
Quiet Tiger came from an orphanage in northern China. She spent the first 22 months
of her life in an extremely harsh environment. She knew abandonment,
hunger, neglect, and abuses that would break your heart. Be assured that
even those 22 short months of time has left its scars on our beautiful
daughter. Today
she knows a loving, stable home with family and many friends in the area.
But just because she came home, doesn't mean that she's completely okay
and able to put the past behind her.
Two
years ago we tried public school for her, sending her to pre-school 5 days a
week, for half days. Her teacher was an adoptive father of 9 children, 1
of whom had attachment disorders like our daughter. We were beyond
thrilled that Quiet Tiger would be learning from a man who understood our issues and
concerns! But sending our formerly institutionalized child back to an
institution was not a good idea.
You
see, often times, these traumatized, attachment challenged children can hold it
all together during the school day. They can charm their teachers, be the
little classroom leaders, attentive little learners, sweet teachers' helpers
and model students. However, once home, these same children lose all
control because they have had to hold it together for 8 hours a day. This
was the case for Quiet Tiger. She was a model student at school and all the
teachers adored her. Once she saw me at the front of the school to pick
her up, she would lose all control. She wouldn't look me in the eye or
sit on my lap, she'd push me away or hit me, she would hardly speak to me and
when she did, she resorted to baby talk, she would begin bouncing off the
walls. Her teacher saw these behaviors and tried to help her connect with
me, using his best adoptive dad techniques, his best teacher techniques, to no
avail. Once home, our daughter would continue to unleash all types of
negative behavior including destruction of school books, ripping up carpet,
even soiling her pants, despite being toilet trained for years.
Last
year we attempted homeschooling for kindergarten. We had high hopes that
the time spent at home and with mom would solidify an unbreakable, secure bond
and a great year of learning. While we did certainly see both academic
and emotional growth, in the end, we were not certain homeschool was the right
fit for her.
That
brings us to today. We are going to give your school a fair shot and have
our girl try public school once again. Perhaps now Quiet Tiger has the
emotional capacity to handle schoolwork and being away from mom and dad
all day. But she may not. Yet we are willing to give it our best
attempt, even if that includes seeking a school counselor, if one is available,
assistance from our social worker or other local professionals.
In
addition to attachment and anxiety issues, our daughter has a physical
difference -- she was born without her right hand. We are
excited to tell you that we have found absolutely nothing this girl cannot do!
She likes to do karate, play tennis, swing from monkey bars, she will be
able to tie her shoes, with help from a wristband and some Velcro she can jump
rope! In all things, we encourage her to find a way to do things that
2-handed children can do. We do not exclude her from anything and assume
your staff will do the same. Quiet Tiger was not created to hide; she was created to shine! Of course, we hope
that you will help fellow students treat her respectfully and remind them that
unkind words cannot be unheard. We welcome questions from children
because they are curious and simply want to learn and understand! If we
can come to your classroom to talk about physical differences, we would love to
do so. We have a few age appropriate books and family friendly websites
to share with the students to better understand Quiet Tiger’s little hand.
Lastly,
we would be remiss if we didn't kindly ask for your sensitivity on any class
project regarding genealogy, family history, birth stories, et cetera.
These are topics that can be very hurtful to an adopted child. If
any such subject matter is to be planned, we would appreciate advanced notice
so that we can work with you as a team on how best to approach this subject
with our daughter.
We
ask for your gentle understanding as we parent a child from a hard place.
We are thankful that we can count on you as members of Team Quiet Tiger!
We fully hope this year is a banner year for Quiet Tiger and that you can be a
part of seeing a world of growth in our daughter this year. If you have
any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us immediately.
Here's
to a great year!
Jay
& Brooke
Links about attachment disorders & childhood trauma:
Links about attachment disorders & childhood trauma:
A quick PS to my blog readers and other families struggling with attachment disorder. I wish I would have had the link below to include in the letter. It was sent to me yesterday by one of my friends walking this road of adoption with me. I loved this link and I think you will too. It's lengthy, but it does explain things very well for teachers.
