Uncertainty on Our Anniversary

Six years ago, Jay and I found ourselves going through a really rough point. We were both working in Illinois, working opposite shifts so that one of us could be home with C who was an infant. Jay's job was boxing him in with no room to grow or climb the ladder. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to our son. I eventually went down to working only two days a week and that was wonderful. The best of both worlds, having most of my time at home with my baby boy and some time at work and contributing to the bills and bank account.

Jay started interviewing across the country for different ministry positions. Dozens of resumes were sent, phone interviews scheduled as well as flights to different locales. South Carolina, two churches in Southern California, and two in Illinois were all quite serious about us. The two in Illinois actually told Jay, "You're the guy!" only to tell him at the very end that he wasn't the guy. Both of those churches made other hires. One of those hurtful rejections came at the tail end of Jay performing his 34 year old brother's memorial service! I'll never forget standing in the kitchen at church, in my white chef coat, in front of the ice freezers, in tears on the phone with Jay as he told me news of the latest rejection. He was crushed and couldn't take anymore. There was nothing on the horizon, nothing bright and brilliant, no hope. We felt empty.

We're at that point now once again, not on the job front, but on the adoption front. We are so full of questions about why this had to happen, why God would put us through the loss of something He was calling us to do for Him, why we had to invest our finances only to lose them and be unable to continue with any other program. Surprisingly, I've been stronger (which isn't saying much) than Jay at this point. Sure, I'm angry, hurt and heartbroken, but I know God is doing something in us right now. And if there is a daughter for us out there, He will lead us to her. My dear husband is having a much harder time and is asking more questions and strugging to find answers. He'd be such a great dad to a little girl!

After we gave up looking for a new career for Jay, he got this email from a church in Nebraska. Nebraska. What's in Nebraska? Corn? Isn't that the horribly boring, neverending state you drive through just to get to Colorado? He sat on that email for a couple of days and didn't even mention it to me. When he did, he reluctantly asked me if he should consider it. We did and the rest is, well, history. We're here in Nebraska. God showed us the way. Jay has a great job and I'm staying home raising our two boys. Our move here has been instrumental in our decision to adopt in monumenal ways. It's not perfect here and I'd more than love to move back home someday to my home church and to my family that I ache for. But for now, we are here and I could write a whole essay on the joys of Nebraska. (Sounds like an oxymoron, right?)

So, today we celebrate 9 years of marriage during another really rough, painful season, one I'd really just rather fast foward through until, say, January and see where things are. We'll continue on this lonely path, holding onto each other until we are laughing and dancing like fools on the other side of this mountain, with a daughter in our arms.

I'm clinging to a verse that my friend Hilary uses in her email signature:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1~

Awful News

Well, here we are, visiting my mom in Illinois. Jay is attending the Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek and he just called me to tell me the news. The US has decided to pull out of Nepal.

You can read the reasons why here.

We are heartbroken as we await news from our agency. I understand that our funds we have paid towards the Nepal program will NOT transfer to any other program. So, we will have to discuss our options from here on out.

I can pretty easily say that due to the loss of a lot of finances invested, our adoption journey will come to an end. Maybe we'll try to have a biological daughter of our own. Maybe we'll try to adopt in years to come when the finances are replenished.

But either way, please pray for us. Sorry for the short, abrupt post. We just need time to discuss. But we are away on vacation and this horrible news cannot wreck our fun. There is joy and I'm choosing to find it.

Go!!!!!

Welcome back to our private (again!) blog. Sorry to make you log in each time, but we know that Nepal is watching adoption blogs. We have no intention of saying anything that could delay our adoption process, but we just want to be careful that what we do say isn't misinterpreted. We’ll go back to a public blog once we’re home with our daughter, most likely.

Things are moving forward in Nepal!!!

On June 20, our dossier was submitted to the Ministry of Women and Children in Kathmandu! We were given a queue number of 74 which means there are only 73 families ahead of us for 2010. But yes, they are still processing the 2009 families, so they need to go first.

The wonderful news is that our agency just received 6 referrals for their 2009 families! This is very exciting news for our agency as they are new to the Nepal program and these are their first referrals from Nepal. Other referrals are going out as well for other agencies. At the same time, the Prime Minister in Nepal has resigned, so there could be delays with new government reorganization.

We now just wait to be matched with our daughter and no one really knows how long this will take. When we first began our adoption process in June last year, this wait was estimated at 6 months. I have reason to believe we’ll be waiting longer than that, but I certainly hope not!

Now, we wait...
... for God to bring us our daughter.

Going Private Again!

Notice to all blog readers...

We are about to go private again soon and we'll explain why later. If you have already signed up to view our blog in the past, there is no need to re-register.

If you are new to our blog, leave a comment with your email address and I'll add you to our reader list. I will not post your comment for your privacy, but I need your address to add you. Check all email folders, including spam/junk folders for an email from Blogger that indicates you've been invited to view our site.

Thanks everyone!

An Anniversary Rainbow

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of the day we started our paperwork. We never thought we’d be here, still waiting for our dossier to be submitted to the Ministry of Women & Children! We thought we’d at least be close to getting a referral by now. It’s been a journey.

First, the paper chase (8 months to complete our dossier – longer than most for those of you considering international adoption).

Then the completion (finally receiving our I-171H from Homeland Security)!

Then the wondering and nail biting (will the US pull out of Nepal?).

Then the confusion (is our agency telling us to drop out of Nepal?).

Now the “real” waiting (waiting to be matched to our little girl).

Has it been worth it? Absolutely! How are we dealing with it? We have the faith to believe that He who began a good work in us will see it to completion. There was a beautiful, bright rainbow to the west this morning and I am reminded that God keeps His promises. Are we anxious? Sure! How can you help us? Pray!

We can’t move the mountains of finances and time. But God can! Add us to your prayer lists. Tell your children about our journey and involve them in praying for a little girl who needs hope and a future. Ask the prayer teams at your church to pray for us (WCCC and LBC are already doing so)!

What can you pray for? Pray that our wait won’t be another whole calendar year like it has been for so many waiting families (our dear friends among them)! Pray for our daughter, that she is safe, healthy and lovingly cared for in Nepal. Pray for the government of Nepal to work quickly and diligently to match our daughter to us. Pray for Jay and I to enjoy and relish the time we have with our boys here at home while we long to travel across the world and bring home our daughter.

Find ways to help financially if you can. Tell others about our cause and see if they can lend a hand. Ask us questions! We love to talk about this journey and want to share it with you. Share your stories of adoption. Reading blogs and hearing stories of God’s faithfulness to other adoptive families keeps us going along this long, long, winding road.

And I can't end without thanking our parents for supporting us as we try to live out Psalms 82:3. Your granddaughter is already so blessed to have you praying for her and trying to help bring her home. And to our friends and family for writing dozens of letters of reference, praying countless prayers, sharing verses that we need at just that exact moment, and walking through this with us, we are honored by you. And to new friends through blogland, thanks for allowing us to follow your adoption stories. What a journey we share! Thank you, everyone! Thank you!

Hoping and praying it won’t be another year!

Set...

Our dossier is on its way to Nepal!

It will be reviewed by our agency's representative and they will be issued a Guarantee Letter from the US Embassy in Kathmandu. The Letter verifies that the immigration approval and fingerprint information have been forwarded from the US to Nepal. That letter must accompany our dossier. Once it's received, our dossier will be submitted to the Ministry of Women and Children.

I have no clue how long the wait will be for the Letter. Anyone? I know the letter is there because I received a notice from Homeland Security after our fingerprints were processed and we received our I-171H. And I have no idea how long our wait will be for our daughter. Anyone? I'm thinking 6-12 months for a referral. Depends on the new government.

We'll update again when our dossier is submitted to the Ministry and our "official" wait begins.

For those of you praying for my husband and our current medical situation, he gets his injection tomorrow at the local pain clinic. We'll see if this helps his back so that he can enjoy the summer with the family. They say the shot takes up to a week to take full effect. No medical bills are coming in yet, but I'm sure they'll start rolling in soon. Still praying God will provide a way for us to manage it all.

Grant # 2 Denied…

I’m not surprised by this one. This particular agency we applied to (Help Us Adopt) stated that they gave preference to childless families. I’m still happy I tried and I’m glad that there will be money going to other deserving families. God is just asking me to trust Him a little more.

Admittedly, I’m finding it hard to trust right now. Really hard!!! Jay just had a MRI this week for his 20-year long battle with back problems. We now have a diagnosis and it is most certainly not muscular. He has a bulging disc between L5 & S1 and he also has stenosis (narrowing of the spinal column). So, the MRI itself will be pricey to pay. Our maximum out-of-pocket is still in the thousands, including the deductible. But now we’re looking at 1 round of steroid injections to see if that will help Jay get through the summer. Then we’ll face back surgery this fall or winter. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not made of money.

I know God has a plan for us, but I’m really feeling clobbered right now (did I mention our lawn mower also died and we’ll need to get a new one?). How are we going to get through this larger than life financial mountain in the midst of an international adoption? I have absolutely no stinking clue.

I’m going to be really selfish and beg for your prayers for me right now! It’s really hard for me to find faith with all these goings on. I just want to be on the other side of this, laughing at my lack of faith and in awe of how God conquered it all for us. I know He will.

Psalms 46:1