Uncertainty on Our Anniversary

Six years ago, Jay and I found ourselves going through a really rough point. We were both working in Illinois, working opposite shifts so that one of us could be home with C who was an infant. Jay's job was boxing him in with no room to grow or climb the ladder. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to our son. I eventually went down to working only two days a week and that was wonderful. The best of both worlds, having most of my time at home with my baby boy and some time at work and contributing to the bills and bank account.

Jay started interviewing across the country for different ministry positions. Dozens of resumes were sent, phone interviews scheduled as well as flights to different locales. South Carolina, two churches in Southern California, and two in Illinois were all quite serious about us. The two in Illinois actually told Jay, "You're the guy!" only to tell him at the very end that he wasn't the guy. Both of those churches made other hires. One of those hurtful rejections came at the tail end of Jay performing his 34 year old brother's memorial service! I'll never forget standing in the kitchen at church, in my white chef coat, in front of the ice freezers, in tears on the phone with Jay as he told me news of the latest rejection. He was crushed and couldn't take anymore. There was nothing on the horizon, nothing bright and brilliant, no hope. We felt empty.

We're at that point now once again, not on the job front, but on the adoption front. We are so full of questions about why this had to happen, why God would put us through the loss of something He was calling us to do for Him, why we had to invest our finances only to lose them and be unable to continue with any other program. Surprisingly, I've been stronger (which isn't saying much) than Jay at this point. Sure, I'm angry, hurt and heartbroken, but I know God is doing something in us right now. And if there is a daughter for us out there, He will lead us to her. My dear husband is having a much harder time and is asking more questions and strugging to find answers. He'd be such a great dad to a little girl!

After we gave up looking for a new career for Jay, he got this email from a church in Nebraska. Nebraska. What's in Nebraska? Corn? Isn't that the horribly boring, neverending state you drive through just to get to Colorado? He sat on that email for a couple of days and didn't even mention it to me. When he did, he reluctantly asked me if he should consider it. We did and the rest is, well, history. We're here in Nebraska. God showed us the way. Jay has a great job and I'm staying home raising our two boys. Our move here has been instrumental in our decision to adopt in monumenal ways. It's not perfect here and I'd more than love to move back home someday to my home church and to my family that I ache for. But for now, we are here and I could write a whole essay on the joys of Nebraska. (Sounds like an oxymoron, right?)

So, today we celebrate 9 years of marriage during another really rough, painful season, one I'd really just rather fast foward through until, say, January and see where things are. We'll continue on this lonely path, holding onto each other until we are laughing and dancing like fools on the other side of this mountain, with a daughter in our arms.

I'm clinging to a verse that my friend Hilary uses in her email signature:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1~