Merry Christmas 2018

Our highlights and a few low-lights (because life happens) from the year:

January
We rang in 2018 with an old friend of Jay's who had moved to Minnesota with his family.

February
We celebrated Chinese New Year and welcomed the Year of the Dog.  Sure is fitting in our house with 3 doggos!

March
March was a nice quiet month. Perhaps God knew the rest of our year would only get us busier and busier!  The biggest [pun intended] thing that happened was taking down 2 dead trees in our back woods.  There are many more that need to come down in years to come!

April
We wrapped up our 6th year of homeschool for the boys.  Super C finished his freshman year of high school and Super E said good bye to elementary school.  At the end of the month Super E turned 11 years old!  We celebrated quietly at home with a dinner of appetizers and snack food and a cookies and cream cake that the birthday boy helped to make.

May
Jay and I got away for a week of relaxation in Riviera Maya, Mexico!  We highly recommend Sandos Caracol Eco Resort for your next affordable all-inclusive vacation!  It's a great place for families too!  When we came home it was the 6th Gotcha Day anniversary for Quiet Tiger.  We didn't celebrate too much since it tends to be more of a trigger for bad behavior.

June
Quiet Tiger finished 1st grade at the local elementary school.  It would be the last time we set foot in that building.  Later that month, Jay went through some health issues that landed him in the hospital for 3 days with surgery (2 abscesses) and new diagnosis (Type 2 Diabetes).  We were grateful for the care and prayer we received at Mercy Hospital in Coon Rapids.  Sadly, because of recovery, we missed Jay's Summer Regional event for work.  We stayed home, recuperated and went to doctor's offices every 2 days for post operative care.  It was exhausting for all of us!

July
We spent the 4th of July at Jay's mom's cabin in Hayward, Wisconsin.  Later that month, we went to Chicago for a week to visit my mom and a handful of friends.  The boys both got sick on the trip and they missed out on their highlight of spending a day at Six Flags with friends.  During that week Quiet Tiger turned 8 years old and we celebrated with Grammie & Rand.

August
We enjoyed a fun barbecue with Edward Jones friends one afternoon where we had fun trap shooting once again.  On the 18th, Jay and I celebrated 17 years of marriage.  At the end of the month, the boys and I began a new small business of dog sitting through Rover.com.  Very quickly, we found ourselves with 2 regular clients that needed help with their new puppies a couple days per week.  At the end of the month, we attended an open house event at Quiet Tiger's new school, a charter school in a neighboring town.  The girl was not happy that she would be going to a new school, but we have hopes that this will be a better fit for her needs.

September
September was a whirlwind month!  It started with the beginning of the school year.  Super C began 10th grade (homeschool), Super E began 6th grade (homeschool) and Quiet Tiger began 2nd grade at the local charter school. Youth group activities began for both boys and the amount of driving mom does to and from church increased greatly!  Mid-month, Jay had a second surgery of exploratory nature, this one thankfully just out-patient.  Super C turned 15 and celebrated with his friends at an overnighter at our house, his favorite activity.  And just 1 week after his birthday, Super C's braces came off!  We were all thrilled for him and we love his new smile!

October
We attended our beloved Cranberry Festival in Stone Lake, WI again this year.  Fresh berries, kettle corn and turkey legs are always a highlight!  At the end of the month, Jay turned 46 and I turned 44 and we celebrated at Portillo's for a heavenly taste of Chicagoland.  For Halloween, we had fun with friends up the street.  Super C reused his werewolf costume from last year, Super E was Master Chief from Halo and Quiet Tiger was a unicorn.

November
The boys and I managed to balance school work with daily dog sitting duties.  We have 4 regular clients nearly every weekday and that's about all we can manage during the school year.  Super C attended his first youth group weekend retreat and had a blast.  Miss Quiet Tiger got new glasses this year with some dollars we had left in our HSA to use.  Sadly, she hasn't worn them to school yet thanks to some behaviors we are dealing with at home.  Thanksgiving was spent at home with Brooke's brother Todd, niece Emme and the family of Jay's work associate new to Minnesota.  We had much to be thankful for, particularly for the hard work Jay had done to lower his A1C to normal levels, basically sending his new Type 2 Diabetes into remission.  Jay did a lot of traveling in November too.  He spent 2 days in Indiana with a product partner and then a whole week at the Edward Jones Home Office in St. Louis as part of a team managing the Client Solutions Desk.  While he was gone, I painted the laundry room and enjoyed a week off of homeschool with the boys.

December
Once again, I coordinated the Edward Jones Region 303 Christmas party for all the local offices.  Following that successful event, Jay had another (and hopefully final) out-patient surgery and weekend recovery.  No time to spare during the holidays, we dove right into Jay's office's Holiday Open House.  It was another wonderful evening.  Mid-month, we celebrated with Jay's BOA (Branch Office Administrator) and her husband with a night out to celebrate Jay reaching Level 6, and his first partnership offering with Edward Jones!  We appreciate Amy's hard work to support Jay and and to run that office as smoothly as she does, especially as Jay had been out so much with health issues!  Incredible job!  And I am immensely proud of my husband for building the business and providing for our family!  Surprisingly, Super E found himself picking out a pair of glasses just this week.  The big reveal will come in January.  Christmas will find us enjoying a quiet holiday at home and thinking of the adventures that await us in 2019.

We wish you a blessed Christmas!  This season may all of us draw closer to our Savior!

Confessions of a RAD Mom

I read a ton about Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Most nights, after dinner, I'm on my laptop while "watching" a TV show with my husband, reading some article, blog, social media page, or book about RAD.  Many nights I chat with others living this same nightmare.  I live with RAD daily and I have yet to find some therapy, some parenting technique, some help in any way shape or form, so I'm constantly searching for something, anything to help.

From some of my latest reading, I tried something kind of new this school year week.  In the past, when separated from my daughter in a new place to her, I've let her wear something of mine.  It's always been something cheap like a bracelet or something that I can wrap around her skinny wrists.  Giving her something of mine "keeps me alive" in her brain while she's separated from me.  If she gets anxious or scared, she can remember me with the help of the thing of mine that she's wearing.  I've done it at Edward Jones meetings during our Summer Regional conferences when she goes off to childcare during our meetings or awards ceremony.

This school year week I tried giving Miss Quiet Tiger a necklace to wear at school.  My mom had given me this cute silver mother/daughter charm on a black leather cord.  I've had it so long, I have no idea when she gave it to me.  It's nothing expensive at all and I knew the big risk I was taking in letting my RAD daughter wear it for 8 hours a day when she's away from me at school.

Oh, was she EXCITED to wear it!  She loved it and it seemed to make her so happy!  The second day of school she asked for it (we take it off at night).  The third day of school she asked for it.  She showed it off to all her friends and the kids she met at the bus stop.  But that's all it lasted -- three days.

Today on day 3 of school, she came home wearing it but very quickly broke it forcefully while having her after school snack while I was wrapping up 5 minutes of homeschool reading for Super E.  She came to me when I was done reading and showed it to me.  Of course, she said it just "fell off her neck."  I could easily see where the break was and that the metal on the clasp was forcefully pulled.  Furthermore, she tied knots in the black leather cord in 2 locations.

This means one thing...

As excited as she was about having something to wear that was mom's, she fought the attachment it created.  She broke it because she doesn't want to attach to me.

Friends, I am so more than done.  This wasn't an expensive heirloom that she broke.  It was a cute, super casual necklace and I knew the risk of it breaking, getting lost or being destroyed.  I'm not lamenting the broken necklace (I think I can even fix it).  But knowing that she doesn't want to attach, she cannot attach, that she wants to destroy attachment and push me away has broken me.

This is a battle I will not win.  I'm convinced.  This mama is so done trying.

One in Senior High, One in Junior High, One in Elementary

I want to write, but after the day that was yesterday, words are few.  For the sake of our family diary of sorts here, I'll just leave you with bullet points.  If you're coming across my blog as a regular, this may not be a post you want to read.

• Yesterday... First Day of School for Quiet Tiger.
• New school... A local charter school, hoping this will be a better fit for her emotional/behavioral needs
• Warm but rainy at the bus stop
• Buses ran 20 minutes late
• I run to a day at the office
• Boys start homeschool loosely, doing what they can without me.
• Office is quiet all morning but picks up slightly in the afternoon.
• I leave at 3:15 to see if I can meet the bus home. 
• Pouring rain
• Bus is 30 minutes late.
• Quiet Tiger comes home looking like a drowned rat because of waiting outside for buses
• The girl changes clothes and we learn that she did take control and wet her pants a small amount on the bus ride home.
• We find something sticky on our massage chair in the living room and no one takes responsibility
• Super E later coughs up that he lied and got Silly Putty on the chair.
• Jay and I run out for his Diabetes Education Class, giving the kids instructions for dinner and bedtime
• Class runs 2 hours, which we weren't expecting.
• Came home to a house that smells like gas.  911 called and PD and FD arrive.
• Stood outside in the rain for 30 minutes until the all-clear was given.
• Came back in at 9:00pm to a smelly house apparently with sewer back-up.
• Running faucets and pouring water down our basement drain
• Mama wants to cry

After our summer was horrid enough, this is how our school year starts?  Seriously, God?  I'm so exhausted.  Starting school completely burned out can't be good for anyone.

My high schooler.

My junior higher.

My 2nd grader.

Master Bedroom Final Reveal + Something Unexpected + Something Learned

The long title should prepare you for a long blog post.  Granted, there are a lot of pictures, which is what you really came for, but.....  :)

The honey oak has left another room upstairs!  I was able to stick to schedule and cover all that nasty honey oak during the month of August.  As a matter of fact, it only took me 3 weeks of August.

Here's what the room looked like when we put an offer on the house.  

The picture shows the previous owner's furniture.

Pictures I took the day we put an offer in.

2nd view of the room from the day we put an offer in that shows all that honey oak trim work.

Then I painted the walls and we pulled up the 20 year old carpet and had tile installed.  

We were good with that for a while.  

Update 1 was grey paint on the walls.  The carpet wasn't changed out until later.

Another view of Update 1. 
My bed is a king and really makes this room look tiny compared to the previous owner's photo. 
But I don't want a smaller bed!
Can't see any honey oak in this picture.  Just more to show the wall color.

But now the honey oak is gone!  TA DAAAAAAA!!!!

Gah!  In certain light (like overcast skies outside), my room looks light blue.
It's grey.  But man, greys are hard to choose.

Another view you haven't seen before. 
Bathroom door on left, closet door in middle, main door on the side wall on the right.

The window gave me 1 extra step .  Mr. & Mrs. Previous Owner had blinds in most windows and the nimrod (sorry, not sorry) stripped many of the screws when he/she installed them, making it nearly impossible for me to get them out.  For most, I had to break the head off the screw and then use a pliers to rotate the screws out, often scratching the woodwork making the hole worse.  Sigh.  So, wood filler and a sanding block were the first steps to new white window trim.  Easy enough since it dried in hours allowing me to sand and get 1 coat of primer done the same day.

Something Learned
I experimented this time and I found that plain old masking tape is just as good to tape off my tile floors while painting the baseboards.  And it's way cheaper!  I still used the blue painter's tape on the walls when I needed to protect those.  But for protecting the tile edge, cheap masking tape was a much better choice on the budget!  

Something Unexpected

After my master bathroom reveal in my last post, I realized that I wasn't quite done with the bathroom after all.  See, I took the final photos as the paint was still curing and I hadn't replaced the window screen.  The window screen frames were an ugly greyish-goldish, nasty color.  Technically, so are the window locks and cranks.  The original screen didn't look good on fresh white windows.  Eyesore is a more appropriate adjective.  So after messaging a friend who has become quite the professional painter herself, and sharing my thoughts, I decided rather than replacing the screens and buying new ones, I removed the screens and spray painted the screen frames with simple spray paint.  I had a half a can left from an Easter project, so I thought I'd give it a try.  I was even able to reuse the screen and the rubber tubing and I already had the roller tool.  Time will tell how spray painted metal screen frames hold up.  I'm guessing they won't hold up long and will surely scratch like crazy, but we'll see.   Even if this is just a temporary fix to get us by for a while, I'm totally fine with that!  And the original locks and cranks will do for now too.  They are small and not as much of an eyesore.


Another Something Learned
Oh, and 1 more thing.  When painting the inset part of the window frame where your screens slide into, only go with 1 coat of primer and 1 coat of paint.  I did 2 of each, plus 2 coats of spray paint on the screen and I could barely get the screen back in.  YIKES!  Even just those few coats of paint made it a much tighter space.  Doing 1 coat of each on the bedroom window and it was much easier to get those screens back in!  And again, that's just on the screen inset part; the rest of the window trim got 2 coats of primer and 2 coats of paint.  Phew!  That was a close one!

Before.  A gold-ish, grey-ish ugly screen frame.
 Looked fine with honey oak, but would be gross with white trim.

After.  Spray painted white.
This will look so much better!

Believe it or not, I got the window, baseboards and all door trim all done in 1 quick week.  It was work (window and door frames take time, but baseboards are super easy and super fast), but I didn't want my husband annoyed that our room was torn up for too long.  All our furniture was literally in the middle of the room so I could crawl around and get all the baseboards done.  

What took the most time were the doors:  bathroom door, closet door and bedroom door.  It was a lot of hauling and heavy lifting to get those solid 6-panel doors down to the basement, but my garage is still full with Jay's car in stall 3, the camper in stall 2 and the wave runner in stall 1 (it just went to the cabin this weekend finally!).  I will say, that predicament allowed me to find a good sized plumbing leak in my basement, so I'm secretly grateful that I had to paint those doors in the basement, even if it took a lot of muscle to get those down 2 sets of stairs!  I don't go down to the basement more than once a month (if that) to add salt to my water softener, so going downstairs to paint made me see an ugly leak.  $450 plumber later......  :(

By the time I was ready for the doors, I also had to strain my paint through old pantyhose.  Too many clumps of debris in the paint can.   Old hose worked like a charm!

I give my oil painted items LOTS of curing time, thus the extended amount of time to get these doors done.  Even though dry to the touch within 48 hours, it is still VERY easily scratched up to a week or more depending on the humidity level, so you have to give ample drying time before you can flip the door and prime/paint the reverse side.  I did side 1 in 4 days, waited through the weekend to flip, then did side 2 in another 4 days, waited through that next weekend to dry and cure, then installed them again on week 3.  That's a long time without doors.

Thank God I had the paint and primer already to complete this room,so no expense spared other than a roll of masking tape for a whopping $2.00.  Next time, I'll have both primer and paint to buy because I have used it all now.  

My hopeful schedule remains:

July:  Master bathroom trim, window & door
August:  Master bedroom trim, windows & doors

September:  Kids' bathroom trim, cabinets and door

October:  Super E's bedroom trim, windows and doors

November:  Quiet Tiger's bedroom trim, windows and doors

Master Bath Final Update

With the insanity of life this summer (my closest friends know the craziness as of late), I just needed another project that I could tackle, start to finish, and see beautiful, nearly instant results.

Remember my master bathroom?  The 2 pictures below are from the day we won the offer on the home 3 years ago.

Beige walls, linoleum floors, honey oak woodwork EVERYWHERE!

Another angle emphasizing the hideous honey oak cabinets.

And then I painted the walls, we had tile floors installed and I painted the cabinets white.  Ah, it was looking so much better!  But the honey oak trim, window, baseboards, and door were still an eyesore.  Ick!

So much better with grey walls, tile floors and freshly painted cabinets!

Having never painted baseboards, door trim, doors or windows, I put those things off.  Good thing I did too because when we got new windows with our insurance claim, I had them specifically paint the new window sashes white so that it eliminated 1 thing I had to paint!  Poor installers freaked out when they came to my house and saw honey oak everywhere.  They thought a major mistake had been made and were relieved when I told them the white sashes were just what I ordered!!!  Yet they were surprised when I said I'd be painting all the window trim myself!  Well, this week, I did it.  Like I said, I needed a quick project with near immediate results.  Besides, I had the primer and the paint, so why the heck not, right?  It cost me nothing but my own precious time - about half a day for 4 days.

Oh my gosh, the bathroom is complete now! [Well, I'll want to update that light fixture at some point, but for now that doesn't bother me nearly as much as the nasty honey oak!]

[Girly squeal!!!!!]  It's so bright and pretty now!!!!

No more honey oak trim in this bathroom!

Next up, I'll move into the master bedroom and tackle all the baseboards, door frames, windows and doors.  It will be a MUCH bigger job, of course.  So don't hold your breath or anything for any updates any time soon.  I'm hoping I can take the month of August and get it done. We still have a wave runner in my garage stall too, so I really need that out in order to paint the doors in the garage, as I want to keep the oil-based paint fumes to a minimum inside my house.  My goals are as follows for the elimination of honey oak upstairs:

August:  Master bedroom trim & doors

September:  Kids bathroom trim & cabinets & doors

October:  Super E's bedroom trim & doors

November:  Quiet Tiger's bedroom trim & doors

It will be quite the feat!  Who knows if this will actually happen according to my schedule.  I'll start homeschool in August with the boys and Quiet Tiger will go back to public school in September.  But my goal is that before 2018 is up, the honey oak will be gone upstairs.  Ah, Brooke!  Lofty goals, girl!  Lofty goals!

But for now, I love knowing I'm 1 step closer to having the upstairs completely updated!

The Big Prosthesis Debate

I had a distant family member, someone I only talk to only about once a year, ask recently about a prosthetic for Quiet Tiger.  I was pelted with questions.

"Have you gotten her a prosthetic yet?"

"Why won't you get her one?"

"When will you get her a prosthetic?"

"Don't you think she'll be better off with a prosthetic?"

"They're doing amazing things with prosthesis these days, you know."

People, enough.  

Just stop.

Please!

We are well aware of the advancement in technology in the world of prosthetic devices!  We've even been cornered at a Twins game last year, or was it the year before, from a man sitting behind us who was a Shriner here in the Twin Cities and said he could do something for my daughter.  My response is this:

If we found that our daughter was 

struggling physically with everyday tasks, 

then we'd consider prosthesis 

or even surgery 

to give her more movement in her hand.  

But I haven't found 1 thing that my daughter cannot do.  

I know you think I'm seeing that through a parent's eyes, but its true!  I've found NOTHING!  She can cut her food (sure, steak is tough, but that can be tough for any kid!), she can flip cartwheels better than any 7 year old I've met, and she can tie her shoes beautifully without difficulty. 

I will absolutely not put my traumatized, attachment-challenged daughter through any unnecessary surgeries just to give her more mobility (because she doesn't need it) or to give her a different cosmetic appearance.  I cringe at the idea of taking one of her toes and moving it to where a finger should be.  Then that gives her 2 odd limbs instead of just one.  That's not right, for us.

Her lack of a hand is not an issue.

Yes, we have a 504 written for her limb difference.  Frankly friends, that is more for the teachers than it is for her.  We have had some awkward circumstances happen in music class that make us shake our heads at how teachers handled musical instruments that would typically require 2 hands.  They made an assumption that Quiet Tiger wouldn't be able to do something and didn't even let her find her own way.  It made me cringe.  The 504 ensures that teachers treat her fairly and give her a chance to try things her way, not necessarily the teacher's way. 

And I will say that we had a 3D printed hand back in Texas.  It was given to us by a friend of my husband's who was studying at UTSA.  He took measurements, made one prototype just her size, then made a second, larger one.  But for us, for Quiet Tiger, they were almost non-working.  She couldn't grasp anything and hold anything with the hand.  Sure, the fingers had some movement, but these hands were not functional.  And then we moved.  When we moved, we lost our connection to help to make the hands more functional.  Lastly, I'll mention that with the rate kids grow, they'll outgrow a 3D printed hand very fast, thus our need for 2 of them in Texas.  And getting replacements would be time consuming not only for us, but for the developer.

Let me be clear: I have no issues with families who put their kids through surgeries or who go the route of a prosthetic device.  If that's your family, then kudos to you.  I've cheered friends on for the very same decisions!  I "like" and "follow" many prosthesis companies and non-profits online and on Social Media like Facebook and Instagram.  But what's right for 1 family isn't right for another.  These limb different kids aren't made from cookie cutters.  When and if we ever find that our daughter is struggling physically with tasks, then sure we'll consider trying something that would provide a solution to her difficulties.  Absolutely we will!

But for now, we're all set, we're good, we're thrilled with all she can do and we're excited to see all she will do with 1 hand!  She's "limbitless!"

Our School System Sucks

Our school system is completely whacked.  And that's the most eloquent word to use at this point.

This month, after more school issues came to my attention via school note, I filed an official, written complaint to the Minnesota Board of Education.

I filled out their form stating the school is neglecting my daughter's physical and mental special needs.  The neglect may be willful or completely unintentional, but neglect is neglect.  I wrote a long letter with the description of what had happened this spring at school.

I wrote about 2 instances of pants wetting and soiling while my child sat in her own filth all day long, no one seeming to notice the stench and wetness surrounding her.  Really, school staff?  You couldn't smell the reek of urine?  You believed her lie that she fell into a puddle?  And you really couldn't smell the stench of feces, front to back in both her underpants and leggings, after you told her she couldn't use the restroom in the morning?  That isn't neglect?  Really???? 

I wrote about the 2 instances of my daughter going through the cafeteria line, where her account has been flagged as "No food purchases," due to her food issues (stealing/hording/gorging) and intolerances that will give her some pretty nasty GI issues.  I explained in detail the words the kitchen staff lady told me, "that she is too busy to read all the notes in the computer system and gives food to anyone who lines up for food."  That isn't neglect?  Seriously???? 

Our broken school system, our wonderful Minnesota Department of Education sides with the school that the neglect isn't willful and they had "no knowledge" of these problems.  Liars.  They know!  They've known since the day we entered the elementary school 2 years ago. 

Maybe I should go to the media.  How would they like to see this on the 6 o'clock news?

Reflections on 6 Years

No one really reads blogs anymore.  I get that.  But writing is an outlet for me and I don't do enough of it for my own sanity.

This week, today actually, we celebrate (but that's not the right word) 6 years of having Quiet Tiger in our family.

A few years ago, I did an experiment with her Gotcha Day.  I didn't celebrate it.  Not a mention, not an extra hug, not a special cupcake, not a gift.  Nada.  Anyone who has followed my blog long enough knows that trauma doesn't tell time.  QT's brain does remember that traumatic day when she was ripped from the orphanage, the only home she ever knew, and was placed in my arms.  For her first few years home, she'd start acting out days before her Gotcha Day.  So, a few years ago I decided not to celebrate it and see what happened.  Same old, same old.  She acted out.  Her brain remembered.  It did then and it still does today.  She has been going from rage to manic as I write this [draft started about 1 week to go before her actual Gotcha Day].

I don't plan to celebrate today either.  We're still dealing with way too much RAD to think about celebrating this day.

#@$%@#^@*&%#^*

This is not the life I pictured for us.

Instead, I'm reading through all my old blog posts from China.  You can go to the list on the right and search for this date on May 2012 to follow along.

Oh, Brooke!  You were so naive!  Naive and stupid!  I regret those writings now.  Almost every word.

Wow.  The signs of RAD were there the very minute I met my girl in the hallway waiting for the Civil Affairs Office in Xi'An, Shaanxi to open for us.  The then quiet, but maniacal laughing.  Then the complete disinterest in any person, including the nanny whom she knew.  Ambivalence.  No eye contact with anyone at all.  The rocking in a chair while staring blankly out the window while I signed mountains of paperwork.  The rocking and banging her back and then her head, hitting her skull HARD on the door to the office.  All at 22 months of age.

I remember each and every minute of my 10 days in China and the RAD signs were everywhere like flashing neon lights burning directly into my retina.  I knew it then; I just dismissed it as grief at her life taking a drastic turn.  I had hoped and prayed that things would get better with time and with love.

Nope.  If love healed, it would have healed the moment I first held her hand in that hallway.

Sigh.

We're still doing the program that we learned at the Healing Hearts Camp last year.  The progress we've seen is minimal at best.  We've officially decided to fork over a check with a lot of zeroes this August for Neurofeedback Therapy.  Our hope is that starting just before school starts, then continuing on into her 2nd grade year, will help those brain waves even out at a time when her stress is at an all time high -- the start of the school year.  Right now, those brain waves are just all over the place and nothing we are doing is working to get her regulated.

On this 6th Gotcha Day, May 28, 2018, I seek your prayers for a summer that we can all enjoy (as vague as that may be because even I don't know what that actually means for us anymore), and that the Neurofeedback we begin in August will be a permanent help to her, not a waste of our resources and efforts, and that it does the trick to get her moving forward in her healing. 

I Want Off the Roller Coaster

For RAD kids, it's very typical for them to have a few good days here and there.  Some of my RAD mom friends even report good weeks on end.  Weeks.  That, I cannot fathom.  It makes me shake my head.  I doubt we'll ever get there.

Two weeks ago was Spring Break.  We didn't do anything.  We didn't go anywhere.  We just stayed home.  I kept up with homeschool for the boys while my daughter played with toys in the room with us.  Every day, any time I tried to read anything to my oldest, my daughter would start being obnoxiously loud with her toys.  Banging, crashing, pounding.  That was the least of her behaviors, but when redirected to a strong-sit or something, she'd rage.  Day after day.  How dare I have the audacity to expect my 7.5 year old to be quiet for 20 minutes while I read something for school?  And then to have to deal with her raging self, holding her down so she won't hurt herself or hurt me.  She tried and tried.  I wanted to put her into her room, but that's exactly what she wants.  She wants to be alone, to not have to interact with people, more importantly, not to have to be subject to a parent, her mom, in charge of her whole entire day.  So, she was next to me raging.  Day after day.  Interrupting our schoolwork.  Making us have to skip subjects and just call it a day because none of us could think straight. 

When she went back to school, I was relieved.  I practically danced the whole way down the street to our house after the bus picked her up and whisked her off to school for 8 glorious hours!  My smile returned.  To my surprise, she came back relatively happy and well behaved.  Not perfect by any means, but no raging, that's for sure.  She was almost pleasant each day of the week.  She commented how she enjoys being a happy 7 year old.

It never lasts.  It never, ever lasts. 

One week of decent behavior led to a weekend of wetting her pants and raging and maniacal behavior for her brothers while we were out at a business meeting. 

RAD moms, help a girl out.  How do you find, and more importantly, hold onto hope when it's a constant roller coaster like this?  I know the Biblical answer to my own question.  I do.  And that should be enough.  Period.  But I am so done.  I want off the roller coaster!

I am the Parent of a Child with a Mental Health Disorder

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

These shootings are hideous acts that leave me stunned because I think to myself, in another time, my daughter could be the one inflicting harm on her peers.  I pray to God that it would never, ever happen!

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

We have documented diagnoses.  Help is hard to find.  Qualified help is nearly impossible to find.  We have seen a handful of experts.  Her doctors past and present, psychologists, psychiatrists and a team of attachment therapists.  We have tried medications.  We have tried therapies.  We have changed parenting techniques. We have had her brain scanned.  We have spent thousands on her mental health care.  And to date, nothing has worked to cure her, to right her damaged brain.  We continue to see her spiral downward.

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

I have reached out to our county for assistance.  I ask what they can provide, what services are there to help our family.  They only point me to a weekly support group of other parents led by zero professionals.  They send me leaflets defining the disorder.  I do not need further definition.  I’m living it.  Every single day, I’m living it.  Our county is of no help.

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

Over the last 2 years I have tried with all my might to educate our school about my daughter’s issues, as her behavioral issues rise and rise in the classroom.  I have fought for help via a 504 Plan, which offers little help.  I fought for an IEP evaluation to show that my daughter qualifies for help with her documented diagnoses.  The school insists that her behaviors are on par with her peers, that “all kids do that,” and that she is "just fine academically, so there is no need to worry about her behaviorally."  They insist that my daughter’s behaviors are all at home and they are completely blind to the behaviors she dishes out at school.  And yet she continues to spiral downward.  My concerns have never been heard, my concerns are swept under the rug.  The school district is of no help.

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

The road I walk is lonely.  I have to fight to be seen.  I have to fight to be heard.  Yet I am invisible to most.  I am exhausted from fighting to be seen.  I am exhausted from fighting to be heard.  I am exhausted.

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

Today’s issues are multifaceted!  It’s not all about guns.  It’s not all about politics and our political leaders.  It’s not all about proper parenting.  It's not all about loving more.  It’s not all about just one thing.  Mental health disorders are at the core of the issue.   I can attest to it.  Because I am living it.  And I pray one day we can cure it because these shootings have to stop.  

I am the parent of a child with a mental health disorder.

IEP Fail

I'm officially throwing in the towel.  I'm waving that white flag.  I'm throwing the fight.

Because I just don't have it in me anymore.

Today we had another meeting with the school and district professionals (I use that term loosely).  In short, they don't see any need to provide additional services for Quiet Tiger because she is performing well "academically."  And I am giving up trying to get them to understand.  I am giving up trying to get them to offer us help within the school walls.  I am giving up hope in our school and their understanding of behavioral special needs.

Wait, I thought you had a 504 Plan for that.  

Yes we do.  

But a 504 Plan does not include any unique, specific help or benchmarks or goals for a student to attain.  Our 504 just offers some accommodations the school can offer and it only gets reviewed once a year. 

So, what are you asking the school for?

Frankly, friends, all I want is a para educator to sit next to my daughter all day long at school to keep her on task and to make sure her behavior, her interactions with others are respectful.  That is only provided with an IEP.  And as we know now, according to the district, she doesn't qualify for an IEP.

As with every year, Quiet Tiger's RAD behaviors rear their ugly heads during the school year.  In addition to all the crap we deal with at home that isn't school related...

In pre-school she:

• Wet & soiled her pants at home
• Damaged school books at home
• Destroyed carpet at home
• Put holes in drywall in her bedroom at home

In kindergarten she:

• Wet & soiled her pants at home
• Broke her glasses (which were to stay at school) on the bus ride home
• Went into 3 other kids' cubbies and stole items from their backpacks at school
• Lied about not having breakfast at home so she could eat a hot breakfast from the school cafeteria (which we do not pay for)
• Stole food at school
• Checked out a library book and "lost it" somewhere (never came home, never found at bus company)
• Claimed illness so she could go to the nurse's office instead of doing school work

In first grade she:

• Wet & soiled her pants in public and at home and at grandma's cabin
• Wet her pants in the classroom
• Stole food at school
• Stole items from classmates at school
• Bullied/controlled younger student on playground
• Went to another area of the school to threaten an older student and demanded her to give her a toy from her backpack

RAD.  RAD.  More RAD.

Only the school, the district doesn't see it.  They look at me and treat me like I'm crazy.  I've never claimed to be sane (right, Connie-chan?) and the Lord knows raising a RAD child has destroyed me.  All of me.  But if we don't get help now, these behaviors will only get worse and our daughter's future looks very, very scary. 

And I don't want that for her.  Her story can't end like that.

Our advocate didn't like the IEP and advised us not to sign it, which we didn't.  If we wanted to fight, we could ask for an outside evaluation from someone who understands RAD, at the expense of the district.  But I'm tired.  I'm done.  I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning.  I've no fight left in me.

For now, I'll just keep documenting all the happenings that I know about, but that's just the tip of the iceberg for sure.  Our advocate thinks that as we continue to document, the school will eventually begin seeing the pattern of RAD behavior and realize that she's not going to "outgrow" it.  But for how many years must I document for them to open their eyes to see?

Oh, it's beyond exhausting.

I'm so saddened by the public school system.  I never used to be.  My husband and I are products of public school.  I'm very proud of my education.  My oldest went to public school K-3 and we only switched to homeschool because of Jay's job change, a pending move during the school year, and all the rigmarole with a school 16 miles away from our temporary living situation.  I had very little against the public school system.  Until now.

People my age like to blame parenting on today's millennials and all their "issues," but I can attest with my own experience these last 2 years that the schools are equally to blame, if not moreso.  Our school speaks of Respect for Community. Respect for Others. Respect for Property.  And Respect for Self.  Sadly, they do not practice what they preach.  There are no consequences for behaviors, no respect for authority, and no help for families in need of help for kids with behavioral diagnoses.

It's sad.

In the meantime, we'll bite the bullet and fork over a big check to get her the Neurofeedback Therapy that can work quite well for RAD kids.  Maybe that will help her behaviors at school and at home.  Maybe then we can she heal and we can meet the real Quiet Tiger.

Dear Lord, may it be so.

HUGE Blessings in the Midst

Very early this spring, way back before we went to RAD camp, back before Reese injured her back, we got a knock on the door.  Salesmen.  We all hate them, but when your husband has had to door-knock as part of building his business, you learn to appreciate the hard work!  [Be nice to door-knockers, please!]

Anyway, we got door-knocked by a building contractor.  He asked us if we ever had an insurance claim on our home.  Um, no.  Not after only living here for 2 short years.  He said he could see evidence of storm damage to our windows from the street.  Storm chaser?  Maybe.  But he asked if we'd be interested in getting our insurance adjuster out here to survey any damage, at no cost to us.  Well, at no cost?  Sure.  Why the heck not?  After all, we bought a 20 year old house with 20 year old windows, 20 year old siding and a roof that we had no record of (neighbors say this house has had multiple roofs over the years but the sellers didn't provide us with any dates).  Not great.  Actually, I knew 2 windows to be completely broken and unusable (thanks, lousy home inspector).  

So, we scheduled the free, no-obligation visit.

Oh, but then Reese injured her back. Our poor pup was completely paralyzed in the hind legs after a freak slip and fall injury.  We had been to the vet, had a surgeon look over her x-rays, we decided $6500 was too steep a price for surgery and opted for far less invasive procedures to help our ailing pup.  I found a doggie chiropractor.  Yep.  You read that right, a doggie chiropractor.  I took our pup for a first visit the very day we had scheduled the insurance adjuster.  

Our builder said he'd be there at our home to meet the adjuster and since everything to be seen was on the exterior of the home, I needn't be home.  Well, I arrived home from said doggie chiropractor at the same time the adjuster and the contractor were up on my roof inspecting things.

I lugged my 37 pound, paralyzed, diapered mutt out of the car and laid her on the grass on my front yard.  The builder and the adjuster immediately asked what happened to my pup and they heard my story.  The adjuster had a dog of her own with back issues, came off the roof to talk to me and wanted info on the doggie chiropractor, so I shared that info.  She was a sweetheart.  And my builder, well, I knew from the moment I met him that he was a good, honest, Minnesota-nice man.  He offered his genuine condolences to me and my pained pooch.

Well, about a week later, I learned that not only did the insurance adjuster grant us a new roof, but new window sashes as well!  If my pained pooch earned us any points by laying helpless, paralyzed and in agony on my front lawn, well, I'm not sure.  Of course, I'd rather have her healthy and free of pain, so I'm not saying I'm glad she hurt herself at all!!!!

But the story doesn't stop there.  Our new roof went on the very first weekday we were back from RAD camp with Quiet Tiger.  I was holding a screaming, thrashing, hitting, yelling, spitting, kicking, swearing, animal of a child all the while my old roof was being torn off and a beautiful new black roof was installed.  Talk about noise levels!  I'm sure my roofers thought I was beating the child, while in reality, I was the one taking the physical beating.  In 1 day the roof was done and I couldn't have been happier.  Or could I?

The builder called back the next day to see how everything went.  He stopped by to look things over and to collect some small hand tools that were left in the dark of night after the roof was done.  Then he told me something else.  Our 20 year old windows had been discontinued.  To find new sashes for all my windows was proving to be near impossible.  He was in contact with my insurance company to get them to increase their payment to get me ALL.... NEW.... WINDOWS!

Weeks later, the builder sent 2 of his associates to measure inside my house for brand spanking new windows.  What a blessing!  We then had to wait all summer long, all autumn long, and through the holidays while my windows were made and painted to my specifications (despite all the honey oak, I want all my windows white and I'll have 1 less thing to paint).

The windows went in today.  They color matched to the white color to that which I'll be painting all the trim at some point in the future.  We only have to pay our deductible and the insurance company covered the rest.  And because the damage was all storm related, an act of God, we've been promised that our insurance rates will not go up.

I was slightly bummed that I didn't get new siding out of the deal because we have so many cracks and damaged pieces, but they couldn't link that to storm damage per se.  But all new windows are very hard to come by from insurance adjusters, so I'm so thankful that we received what we did!

So, if I could go back and prevent Reese's back injury (it has lead to permanent nerve damage), I certainly would.  But I do think that in the midst of a horrible life storm of horribly injured dog and hideous therapy for my RAD daughter, God provided unexpected blessings.  I'm thankful for my new roof and new windows!  Now, to just figure out how to get the siding replaced without having to pay for it!  Wishful thinking, I know!