Collins Monthly -- January

Late in January I decided to leave social media on a temporary basis.  I got so sick of the negativity and everybody complaining about politics and couldn't take it anymore.  Believe me, in the past 4 months I have blocked people from my news feed, "unliked" companies and organizations and that helped clean it up quite a bit.  But after our presidential election, I just wanted it to be over.  Even the people I agree with only posted political posts and I got tired of it.

Sweet friends commented how they'd miss my posts.  Talk about feeling the love, people!  Sweet.  You made me smile.  Truly.  Thus, I decided to update the blog more often.  This is my first edition of The Collins Monthly.  And yes, I will post the link to Facebook, but I will not check the comments at all.  The comments section is open below if you should want to leave a few kind words.

January can be summed up in 1 word: chaos.

Right after Christmas, I began painting our lower level guest room to turn it into Super C's new teenage bedroom.  Paint is cheap, easy and quick, but with working 6 1/2+ hours a day at the office, coming home to make dinner, do laundry, clean house, there wasn't much time on my docket for home improvement.  Of course, once I had the ceiling painted a fresh bright white, our friend who was going to start our upper level flooring project called and announced he'd be starting that very next week.  So, I had to rush my paint job so that my whole house wasn't a construction zone.  The room isn't quite ready to reveal yet as there is more to do to give this room some personality, but here is a sneak peak at Super C's teenage bedroom.

Walls are a very light grey.  He picked the bedding out from Walmart.
The set didn't come with a bed skirt, so I'll have to do something there to make that look nicer.

He bought his own TV, just like I did when I was 13 and was allowed a TV in my bedroom.
I still have to finish the 1 cabinet door for that dresser.
Nice photobomb by Reese.

Then, our long awaited flooring project began and we finally said goodbye to an entire floor of 20-year-old carpet and hideous bathroom linoleum.  We chose a wood-looking tile from Menards and our friend who flips houses did the install for us.  It took him about 2 1/2 weeks, which was quite long.  It also took twice the budget (like house projects tend to do) so now we save to rebuild the saving account a little before saving up for the next house project.  But at least we know it was done right and oh, it was so worth it!  The floors are GORGEOUS!

But for 2 weeks, all of us were living downstairs:  Quiet Tiger slept on the floor of Super C's new lower-level room, Super C and Super E slept on air mattresses in the living room, I slept on the couch and Jay slept in Super C's new teenage bedroom/former guest room.  We each had 1 laundry basket of clothes and we all shared the 1 downstairs bathroom.  Dogs were kenneled in the basement while workers were here and during the night, so that they didn't disturb the drying tile upstairs.  The house was a HUGE dust bowl for 2 1/2 weeks.  Dust everywhere was so thick you could write your name on my tables and shelves.  I won't even discuss the floors as the workers tracked dust all over the place.  But like I said, oh so worth it!  We LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our new tile floors!!!!!!!

Close-up of our new tile floors!

Super E's Room.

Quiet Tiger's Room.

Upstairs kid's bath.

Master bedroom floor.

Master bath floor before bathmat.

Even closets were tiled!

On the school front, the boys were still doing homeschool on their own while I'd been at Jay's office.  I have 1 week left of work before Jay's assistant comes back from maternity leave.  What started out as about 5 hours in the office per day has now increased to about 7 hours a day.  It's a busy office and there's no way the job can be done on part-time hours.   I'm excited for Jay to have his BOA back and I'm excited to return to the home to teach my boys.  I've missed them so and I know they've missed me.  During my absence, Super C has finished Algebra I and Super E has finished 5th Grade Math.  They'll enjoy a few days free of math until I return home.  Quiet Tiger continues to learn in public school, but we've had some ugly issues pop up at school too.  I'm not ready to go into detail yet, but it hasn't been pretty and we're now dealing with new insurance and trying to get her the help that we need.  Prayers appreciated because the timing of all this just wasn't good, and frankly, as her mom, I'm just toast.  So more than over all this stuff.

We celebrated Chinese New Year with friends both local and 1 family from Chicago who came up to visit.  The Mall of America put on a CNY event and we spent a few hours downtown making crafts and listening to Asian music.  It was quite wonderful, but we did miss the lion dance at the end.  The next day we had our visiting friends over to our dusty, construction zone for lunch.  I made fried rice that didn't turn out half as good as it usually turns out.  But the sweet and sour chicken and beef lo mein were good.  Quiet Tiger had fun playing with her friend A and my boys had fun hanging out with A's big sister E in the basement playing Minecraft, Nerf and video games.

All dressed up for The Year of the Rooster!

We wrapped up the month taking a client and her daughter to a show at the Guthrie.  We saw The Royal Family which was quite good and lighthearted.  Just what we needed after a chaotic month.

Thanks for staying in touch and be sure to visit for the February edition of The Collins Monthly.

Merry Christmas 2016

Another year has gone by and once again, I did not send any Christmas cards.  I really wanted to this year, but budget wins again.  I promise to make a much bigger effort next year and mail cards out because I LOVE receiving your Christmas cards!

Here are some highlights from our year:

January
We rang in the New Year quietly at home, the boys enjoying staying up until Midnight.  In January, the kids were all quite involved in Awana and youth groups at a small church we were attending 1 town north of us.  Super C also attended a second youth group at his best friend's church about 25 minutes away.  Teenage activities kept me running from place to place.





February
February brought much of the same running around with the kids.  We enjoyed the mild winter we had and spent much of our time outdoors at the local sledding hill in our neighborhood and on our frozen pond to the side of our house.  My kids all need quite a bit of help in the ice skating area.  And I found that it's not as easy anymore in my 40's, but it was still fun to try.

We welcomed the Year of the Monkey as we celebrated Chinese New Year with our China Beauty in February.






March

We took a long weekend to Chicago to see my mom over her birthday.  We saw Jay's best friend Mark and his family who were visiting from North Carolina too.  I also got a chance to spend time with some fellow "China families" whom I love dearly.  It is always good to be among friends!

April
April was by far the kids' favorite month for 2 reasons:

1.  We ended another year of homeschool!  Super C finished 7th grade.  Super E finished 3rd grade.  Quiet Tiger wrapped up a shaky year of homeschool kindergarten.

2.  We used our tax return and took the family to the Wisconsin Dells for a week.  Being off-season, we got a deal of a lifetime.  We played family laser tag, indoor minigolf, the boys did an indoor ropes course, and we spent every spare minute we had at one of 3 indoor waterparks.  Unfortunately, Super E's time in the water was cut short following a freak foot injury at one of the indoor playgrounds.  We spent a short while at the ER (first visit to the ER with any of our children, ever) across the street where they bandaged him up as best they could, but his time in the water came to an end.  Thankfully, his spirits were restored thanks to multiple families of Canada Geese on the resort property that he got to hand-feed, much like I had in my past.

Super E turned 9 while we were in The Dells.  He is all about Pokemon and will walk miles and miles with me Poke-hunting, no matter the time of day.  He is his father to a T, with that same sense of humor.  He is also still my constant helper, willing to lend a hand whenever asked.

May
In May, Jay started taking clients to Twins games as a business "thank you."  It was a horrible season with record losses and more rain delays this year, but being at the ballpark is enjoyable.  He took a business trip to Alabama at the end of the month with a friends from work to visit a product partner.

We made our first trip up to the cabin once Jay's mom returned from Texas and reopened her place in Hayward, Wisconsin.

We celebrated Quiet Tiger's 4th Gotcha Day at the cabin.


June

June brought more Twins games, more trips the cabin and Jay's Summer Regional work event for the whole family.  This year we were at the Grand View Lodge up near Brainerd.  We had a cabin large enough for our entire family that was literally right on the beach.  Waking up to the waves of Gull Lake and sinking my feet into the sand made me smile every morning.  The boys loved the kids activities including Human Hamster Balls and Quiet Tiger made a couple of boyfriends on the trip too!  Jay won 2 awards this year, one for making 2 new hires to the Jones Team and the other was a performance award.  It was by far our favorite Summer Regional yet.

Summer storms at the cabin were fierce and we experienced power outages and large trees down all over the property and town.  The damage was really remarkable and we are thankful that no one we knew was hurt.










July
We were home in Minnesota for fireworks this year, as Independence Day was a Monday.  We watched fireworks at our local high school, only learning later that my brother and his daughter were also there.  The show was very good.

Late in the month, I got a chance to introduce my family to my beloved town of Duluth, Minnesota for a family reunion for my mom's side of the family.  We stayed at my uncle's cabin, with record heat, yet without power thanks to another major set of storms that rocked the north again.  We spent a few days "camping" in the cabin with no running water, no power, taking baths in Big Lake at the other end of the lake from where my grandparent's cabin used to be.  The night before we left, power was finally restored, but again, the damage up north was something else with so many downed trees and power lines!  But it was fun to see my boys fall in love with Duluth!


We celebrated Quiet Tiger's 6th birthday at my uncle's cabin with family.  She has lost 3 teeth this year, not all at the same time of course.  She continues to press our buttons and keep us on our toes.  This year her one-handed abilities continue to amaze us as she has mastered the art of braiding hair!  Ten fingers are indeed overrated.

August

In August, I began going in to Jay's office 1 day a week.  His assistant announced her pregnancy earlier in the year but she had to take some medical time off and I began taking some online training modules at the office while she had weekly doctor's appointments.  The boys held down the fort at home, keeping Quiet Tiger in line for a few hours every Wednesday morning.

We were all absolutely glued to the Olympics in Rio, particularly cheering on a former co-worker's son as he won Silver in the Men's Steeplechase!  So exciting!  Way to go, Evan!

Jay and I celebrated 15 years of marriage on August 18th.  We found our favorite new sushi place right in our neighborhood and celebrated there with an amazing dinner for two!

In mid-August, I began my 5th year of homeschooling.  Super C began 8th grade and Super E began 4th.

At the end of the month, we went to a free open house at the Guthrie Theater downtown Minneapolis.  We had such fun taking a few improv classes and learning all about the theater.  Can't wait for the next Open House!  I highly recommend it to all families!











September

Life took a big change for Quiet Tiger -- she entered public school as a kindergartener.  After our rough year of homeschooling, we realized that homeschool wasn't working for her as a student or for me as her teacher.  We had no choice but to try the local public school and we reluctantly decided to have her try kindergarten once again.  The first few months of school were pretty much a living hell for us here at home as Quiet Tiger unleashed all the typical RAD behavior on us due to the stress of being away from us for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  It wasn't long before we sought more professional help for her including medication and psychologists.  We are still working on getting her the help she needs.  It is a long process and we'd appreciate your continued prayers for healing.

Super C became a teenager on September 16.  Friends far and wide helped me surprise him with a shower of greeting cards and letters from around the world.  He chose to have friends and neighbors over for pizza, cake, Nerf and video games.  Everyone slept over (they actually did get a few hours of sleep) and Super C still says that his 13th birthday was absolutely awesome!  Last year he passed me in height and this year I find myself looking up at him quite a bit!  Very soon, Super C will be moving into his own room in our home -- our current guest room.  He is excited to have his own space after 6 or 7 years of sharing a room with his little brother.  The room renovation will be fun to reveal in early 2017.  So, stay tuned.  And I would be remiss if I didn't mention that your kids might enjoy his YouTube Channel at Tepig916.






October
I officially began work in mid-October, filling in for Jay's assistant who began her glorious 16-week maternity leave.  Introduced into my vocabulary include SWPS, ADOT, DOL, and dozens more.  The first 3 weeks of work were really quite tough, as there is very little training for Branch Office Administrators, but after those initial weeks, I became much more comfortable.  Although it is a struggle to do someone's full-time job on part-time hours, I am doing the best I can and I am enjoying it most days.  But I miss my boys and teaching them tremendously.

For school, the boys began a new chapter with mom working. After starting the school year with me, Super C is now doing 16-weeks of independent study.  He is also student teaching his little brother.  Super C has a lot on his shoulders during this time, but he is handling it well.  I am one proud momma!


Jay turned 44 on October 21 and I turned 42 on October 27.  Celebrations were quiet at home.

The kids enjoyed their Halloween here at home.  Thanks to resale shop bargains, Super C was a gorilla, Super E was a skeleton, and Quiet Tiger was a clown.









November
We exercised our right to vote in November, but hated our choices.  We cringed to watch the aftermath of hate spewing across our nation on the news and on social media in the weeks that followed.  We are certain that our God is still on His throne, no matter who holds our presidential office.

But oh my gosh, how we cried tears of joy when our beloved Chicago Cubs won the World Series!  What an exciting series!  Fly the W!

Thanksgiving was a bit different this year.  Sadly, Jay's Aunt Patti passed away after a battle with cancer the Saturday before the holiday.  So, Jay flew down to the Dallas area to be with his family and to pay respect to his aunt. The kids and I stayed in Minnesota so I could hold down the office for a few days.  We celebrated the holiday with my mom and stepdad who drove up from Chicagoland, and my brother and niece who came over from the next town over.

During Jay's absence, we had our first snowfall of the year and the kids enjoyed playing outside. They sure do love the snow!


December
Things at the office continued to be busy thanks to new fiduciary changes and RMD season.  The holiday season added to the madness.  We enjoyed a nice Regional Christmas party in the nearby town of Big Lake.  I put on the Open House for Jay's office single-handedly.  We had a really good turnout of more than 30 clients and their families.

We've had our taste of true Minnesota winter with more snow and even -23F temps!  Wow!

Our plans for Christmas will be quiet here at home, likely spending time with my brother and niece.  We welcome visitors, so friends and neighbors, be sure to stop by and enjoy some holiday cheer.

We wish all of our family and friends a blessed Christmas season from all of us in Minnesota!

Jay and Brooke

Super C, Super E & Quiet Tiger

Juneau, Reese & Mack

Morning Psychology 101

My Quiet Tiger and I spent a crisp, colorful morning downtown Minneapolis next to the Mighty Mississippi,  spending an hour with Child Psychologist #1.

Having never been to such an office before, I had no idea what to expect, but....

I went prepared.

• I had my spreadsheet of ALL of Quiet Tiger's behaviors, from the day we brought her home, up through the very first month of school.

• I had my list of everything we have possibly tried, from Karen Purvis techniques, essential oils, sensory processing tools, yada yada yada.

• I had my Zoloft Diary of everything that had been going on since starting on a VERY LOW dose of anti-depressants to ease Quiet Tiger's anxiety.

She asked me what brought me to the office.  I explained that Quiet Tiger was adopted overseas and is a classic case of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  The psychologist talked to me.  The psychologist talked to Quiet Tiger.  At one point, she sent Quiet Tiger to wait in the waiting room (um, I didn't like that, but then again, I don't like discussing some things in front of Quiet Tiger either because of known triggers) and talked with just me.

The meeting didn't go as I had expected.  Unfortunately, I had a few pretty significant red flags...

1.  My first question to the doc (she's not a medical doc, but she is a PhD) was if she had experience with adoptees and reactive attachment disorder.  It was a simple yes or no question.  I got neither and that irked me.  It is a very fine specialty and we can't have just any person with a lengthy degree nailed onto her wall walking us through trauma counseling.

2.  She made it clear to me that she might not agree to helping us long term, that she would pass us off to another therapist, someplace else.  In 10 short minutes sitting in her office, I felt like I was inconveniencing her already.  I felt like walking out.

3.  When we discussed future meetings, I asked her what those meetings would look like.  She told me she would meet with both Quiet Tiger and I together, then with me alone, then with Quiet Tiger alone.  RED ALERT!  RED ALERT!  I had learned from other RAD moms that this is a BIG NO-NO for RAD kids because of their manipulation and triangulation.  Even therapists in one of my RAD groups has said she would NEVER ask to meet with a child alone without the parents present and she told me to "Run away fast!" from that psychologist.

So, after a few hours of unpacking my brain, we won't be returning to Psychologist #1.  We have since had an appointment with Psychologist #2 on November 1 and I will write about that meeting in another post.

In the meantime, be sure to catch my next post.  Because while it wasn't all bad at this first visit, the doc did call my own anxiety level to the table.  I wanted to be snarky with her and get in her face and say,

"Oh, you think I have anxiety issues?  Really, lady?  

After fighting like hell for 3 years just to bring a daughter home 

and then to have to fight for her heart for 4 bleeping years, 

you think I have anxiety issues?"  

I wish I could have been all defensive and snarky!  Instead I just smiled and nodded my head in complete agreement, reiterating that I wouldn't have been in her office had I not reached my share of anxiety and stress out of a desire to help my daughter.

So, I've been to my doctor and this momma is now getting help because I don't want to be a part of the problem.

I want to be a part of the solution 

for my daughter.  

I don't want my anxieties getting in the way of her healing.  Stay tuned for my next post about applying my oxygen mask before assisting my child.  I'm not too proud to share because too many others out there are bottling it all in, keeping all the plates spinning and it's eating us alive.  We needn't live like this.  It's time to reach out for help and it doesn't make us less of a human being.  Heck, trying to do this on my own has made me feel like less of a human being because I was completely numb to everything, everyone.  Getting help for me might just help me feel human again.  You think?  Stay tuned.

Medication for Your Monday

For all you adoptive mommas out there struggling as we are, maybe, just maybe this post can help you.  After our early weeks of school left our daughter spiraling out of control, we sought out medical professionals and are now medicating Quiet Tiger.

First of all, I'm not one to rush to meds.  Heck, this child has been home for 4 years and we are just now getting around to it.  But frankly, if my child falls down and skins a knee, I'm more the type of mom to say, "Rub some dirt on it.  You're fine."  Surprise, surprise, the spiritual gift of mercy does not even make my gift list, people!  I don't rush my kids to the doctor for every cough, sneeze or sniffle.  I don't even use over the counter meds often.  I'd rather the kids' immune systems do their job.  And while I'm not Miss Holistic, I do think natural remedies are worth a shot first.  I love to try good ol' vitamins and healthy foods and I enjoy trying essential oils before turning to our crazy expensive American healthcare.

Now, normally, I wouldn't share such sensitive, personal medical information out there on the inter-webs for the entire world populace to read, but I know how lonely, how agonizing, how devastating, how painful, how lonely (did I mention that before?) this road is and I have hope that our story can help at least one other family out there take a bold chance to fight for their trauma kiddo.

DO YOUR RESEARCH

I know a lot of docs out there hate their patients consulting Dr. Google for all their ailments.  But friends....

There are plenty of trauma, attachment, RAD, adoption/foster groups out there on Facebook or Yahoo where you can discuss these issues with other families also in the same boat.  Listen in on some of the conversations in those groups.  Ask your questions there.  Then take your research to the web.  For me, I put my focus on well known medical professionals such as Mayo Clinic.  I knew it was time for meds and I even knew which type we needed.  From hours and hours of research, these were our medication options:

1.  Stimulants.  These include some of the well known drugs for ADHD but also help with trauma kids.  An adoption friend of mine reported good findings with these and her beautiful China babe.  Yet I knew without a doubt that a stimulant would not be good for my daughter who continues to head bang in her bed at night.  Nope, a stimulant would not work.  I wouldn't touch those with a 10-foot pole.

2.  Benzodiazapines.  Benzos for short.  These are more of a temporary drug.  I knew that we needed something longer term.  Short term meds were not going to solve years of trauma for our Quiet Tiger.

3.  Anti-Depressants.  Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!  We have a winner.  Anti-depressants are not stimulants and they are not a short-term drug.  In fact, in my research, I learned that children on anti-depressants long enough have often been found "cured" (if you can believe it) of their anxiety issues and lead healthy adult lives, medication-free.  An anti-depressant is what I wanted, what we needed!

GO PREPARED

So, on a Friday afternoon, I went to the pediatrician and told her everything that happened.  I had it all typed out, dated with daily activities, including all the destructive, negative behaviors we had been enduring at home.  Document, document, document!  Think: spreadsheet, or at the very least, bullet points.  Easy to read, concise, yet detailed!  Every dirty, grimy, poopy little detail.  Every single little thing Quiet Tiger did, I had documented.

But don't forget to include all you have tried!  Every single thing we tried: essential oils, L-theanine tabs from The Vitamin Shoppe, melatonin, weighted blankets, sensory outlets like sit-n-spins/trampolines/rockers, I had it all documented and printed and handed the paper to the doctor.

My doctor got it.  She did.  She's an adoptive mom.  She understood.  And, I would be remiss if I didn't quote to you what she said to me.  Get a load of this:  She leaned in to me nose to nose, like a close-talker, and whispered to me (so that Quiet Tiger wouldn't hear too much),

"I give you China moms a lot of credit.  

You China moms see it all.  You China moms go through it all."  

Yep, I broke down in quiet sobbing, head in hands, shoulder shaking tears.  

Finally, someone understood me.  

Finally, someone heard me.  

If her words don't tell you that she knows, that she has other patients reporting the same, that I am NOT CRAZY, friends, I don't know what does.

I told her that was time for help.  

I told her this was the last straw, 

that I couldn't take it anymore, 

that my daughter couldn't take it anymore.  

Our doctor is very soft spoken and a bit wishy-washy, in all honesty, but she did agree to trying meds.  I had to agree to taking Quiet Tiger to a Child Psychologist, and I agreed and then she agreed to the meds.  She turned the computer screen towards me and showed me 2 anti-depressants -- Prozac and Zoloft -- that are FDA approved for children.  But she was clearly VERY UNCOMFORTABLE medicating a 6 year old child.  I, on the other hand, was demanding it, completely comfortable with it.  No qualms whatsoever.  She showed me the FDA specifications for Prozac, stating that it was approved for ages 7 and up.  She wasn't comfortable with prescribing it for a 6 year old, although she would if I agreed to it, if I wanted it against medical advice (I would have).   But then she showed me the specs for Zoloft and it was FDA approved for ages 6 and up.  She still hesitated, biting her lip.  Yet I nearly jumped up from the uncomfortable plastic doctor's office chair.  I tapped the computer screen a few times and stifled a shout but said solidly, "That's it.  That's the one I want.  Zoloft.  That's the one."

FIGHT FOR YOUR CHILD

Doctor Wishy-Washy continued her hesitation but I stood firm.  I wasn't angry, I didn't raise my voice.  In fact, I broke down in tears when she told me that "Love isn't enough to heal these kids."  Tears.  She gets it.  She really does.  She only agreed to give Quiet Tiger half the recommended dose of Zoloft for a 6 year old.  I could live with that.  It was better than nothing and I felt if I pushed for the full dose, she'd send me away empty handed.  After all, we could start small and only go up from there if it didn't end up helping as much as we needed.

We left the office with meds.  We left the office with help.  We left the office with renewed hope, hope that had been lost in that fast-flowing downward spiral after only 3 shorts weeks of public school.

Friends, believe me, I am documenting each and every day on this medication.  Another spreadsheet.  I call it my Quiet Tiger Zoloft Diary.  The pharmacist told me that it takes 4-6 weeks to take it's full effect, but we were only given enough for 20 days.  Dr. Wishy-Washy will want to see us before giving us a renewable prescription, so we'll have to succumb to another office appointment (and pricey bill, I'm sure).  After our first round is complete, I will be more than happy to share my findings with you, even if we find this isn't the right med for Quiet Tiger.

Please keep us in your prayers!

School Girl UPDATE

Here we are well over 1 month into school and I'm just getting around to posting our very first update.  There are a few reasons for my delay in posting.

1.  We wanted to give it a good amount of time before posting our findings.
2.  We've been busy and have had our hands more than full at home.
3.  We've been actively pursuing professional help.

Week I

The first week of school seemed to go really well for the most part.  Quiet Tiger's schedule starts at 7:15am when she gets up.  She normally gets up on her own.  We brush teeth and get her in the shower.  Then dress and have breakfast.  We head out to the bus stop at the corner at 8:30am and the bus arrives 10-15 minutes later.  I know she is one of the last kids on the bus.  School starts at 9:15am and releases at 3:45pm.  She takes the bus home and she is also one of the last kids off the bus, arriving home between 4:30 and 4:45pm.  After that, we enjoy a snack while she talks about her day.  She unwinds outside in the sandbox or with a cartoon on Netflix while I make dinner.  We eat at 6-ish, then it's bedtime at 7pm.  No time for anything else, let alone breathing, on a school night!

But that first weekend things started to twist and turn for our Quiet Tiger.  My boys and I usually camp out in the living room on weekends.  They are too old to sleep in our room, so this is the next best thing. We've tried to include Quiet Tiger, but she cannot handle it (for reasons that are much too lengthy to explain).  That Saturday morning was when it all began, when the twister that is Quiet Tiger started spinning.  I heard her come downstairs that Saturday morning and get into food that had mistakenly been left out the night before.  When confronted, she lied about stealing the food, despite being caught with her sticky fingers in her mouth and evidence of said sticky fingers in the bowl.  When confronted, she goes to that far off place and starts raging and that's exactly just what happened.  Uncontrollable RAGE.  Just an hour or so later, I was folding up blankets in the living room and found my afghan with a huge, grapefruit-sized hole in it, right next to Quiet Tiger.  I had used that afghan the very night before for our campout, so I can attest to it's being intact.  The dogs had not been playing, wrestling, or anything that morning, and I could eliminate them as the culprits.  Quiet Tiger has a history of destroying afghans (from her preschool days) and although she lied about it, we knew she did it.  (The next day she admitted it.)

I sent an email to her school social worker to document what had happened because we quickly recognized the signs of the downward spiral.

Week II

The second week of school seemed to go well.  Again, the weekdays are so jam-packed that there is hardly any time for bad behaviors to well up.  But oh, the weekends....

The weekend brought on the spiral and we dealt with more crap.  And this time I mean it.  Quite literally.  Crap.  Insert poop emoji, except it wasn't funny.  Not funny at all.  Quiet Tiger began pooping in her pants.  Just as she had when she was in preschool.  She was not sick.  She did not have a fever.  She had not gotten into dairy or juice or anything that causes her uncontrollable digestive issues.  She had to keep her wits about her, to keep control of herself, all day long, all week long at school and when the week was over, in the safety of her own home, she couldn't control herself, her thoughts, her anxieties any longer.  She decided to find that control in her world by controlling her bowels.  Oh, Jay and I were NOT HAPPY!

She did it once.

Then she did it twice.

That second time was so bad [grossness alert...], she played with it and smeared it all... over... her... room, and the mess was so bad I had to throw away her sheets.  Not only that, the carpet was so trashed from her poop painting, I was forced to rip up the carpet in her bedroom.  You can imagine my disgust.  Plywood subfloors will be just fine enough for her until we can budget for new flooring.

Week III

Week three was supposed to be so much fun at school with a field trip at the end of the week to the apple orchard.  But instead of the weekend spiraling out of control, our daughter started to spiral during the school week, pooping her her pants again.

Week IV

I learned that Quiet Tiger lied to her teacher about pooping in her pants, claiming it was a stomach ache.  And then on Wednesday, she forcefully broke her glasses on the bus ride home from school.  Keep in mind, those glasses are for school only and were supposed to stay at school.  And Walmart optical doesn't do insurance, so we'll be paying for a new pair of glasses.  That Friday, the teacher called me and told me that Quiet Tiger and a classmate argued with each other while they were in reading group.  I believe the reading teacher's words were, "This was the worst I had seen in my career."  Keep in mind that the other student was equally to blame, and I have no idea how long this reading teacher's career has been, but still deplorable behavior.  And that weekend at the cabin we had more out of control behavior, more poop, you name it.

THIS MOMMA HAD HAD IT!!!!

I called our local pediatrician who is a fellow adoptive mom.  One of her nurses called me back and told us to schedule an appointment with the doc (which I did) and also to call our insurance for a referral to a Child Psychologist who could further diagnose our daughter (which I did).

Unfortunately, the closest psychologists to us only work part-time and did not return calls or emails promptly.  We met with the pediatrician on Friday afternoon as soon as the apple orchard field trip was over following Week 3 of school.  I told the pediatrician that I didn't care if I came across as "THAT MOM," but that my husband and I had had E-N-O-U-G-H.  I gave our pediatrician my goals:

1.  Diagnosis

2.  Medication

3.  Therapy

I had to live with 1 out of 3.

I didn't get #1.  Our pediatrician is knowledgeable of attachment disorders, but told us we'd need to seek not only a Child Psychologist but also maybe a Child Psychiatrist to diagnose our daughter.  I told her I was waiting to hear back from 3 professionals in our area, but that we'd definitely get on someone's schedule for professional help as soon as humanly possible.

After some degree of pushing (and a brief breakdown complete with a few shed mommy tears) our doctor hesitantly agreed to #2 -- trying prescription meds.  I'll write about this more in my next post because there is much to tell and much to share with you fellow adoptive trauma mommas who are in the trenches with me.  It's a post I don't think you'll want to miss.

Number 3, therapy, may come with the help of that Child Psychologist.  It has been a fight after fight after fight to get information from our insurance and our EAP.  We had our first appointment today and I have to process and unpack all that is in my brain before I post about that!

Yep, we've been spiraling out of control around here.  I'd classify this as an F5 Quiet Tiger Twister.  As much as I couldn't believe it, it didn't take me by surprise, if that makes any sense at all.  It definitely put us at the end of our ropes with numb fingers and no net underneath us.  Left me feeling completely empty with nothing left to give a single soul.  A fellow RAD mom said exactly how I feel:  "I feel like a failure all the time."  It's not a fun way to live, people.  But this is the life of attachment disorder.  I had hoped beyond hope that this year would go smoothly.  I just don't think it's going to happen without some professional help.

Keep praying friends!

And stay tuned for my next post about medicating.  Maybe what we are experiencing can help others.

School Letter

If you're friends with me on Facebook, then you've heard that our first week of school with Quiet Tiger was really pretty much okay for the most part.  How's that for a description?  But what you may also have heard is that the weekend pretty much sucked because the girl stole food and lied about it to my face, with her sticky fingers in her mouth and then she proceeded to tear a huge hole in my own afghan, the first I ever knit, my favorite one in the house.  Talk about making the attack personal.  The hole was far beyond repair and I sobbed as I marched out to the garage with my beloved afghan that took me months to knit, dumping my treasure in the garbage can.  I couldn't even look at her much less speak to her after that.  

I really want to take a moment to thank those of you who took time to reach out to me after I posted our Sunday drama.  I really try to keep my Facebook positive.  I can't handle all the negativity out there and I want to be the good and post the good whenever I can.  But Sunday, it just needed to be negative because I was so hurt by her actions.  Those of you who reached out to me either by a comment, a private message or a text message, you need to know how meaningful it was to me to have you by my side.  So many of you get it because you are living it yourselves.  Thank you, precious friends.  There is no way I could have made it through my Sunday without you.

That long intro leads to today's post.  Below is the letter I sent to Quiet Tiger's school.  I had hoped to hand out more copies to more teachers who would be in direct contact with Quiet Tiger, but we didn't meet all the teachers at that crowded, chaotic school open house.  Many adoptive parents send letters  like this to their schools and teachers.  Jen Hatmaker, a famous blogger and adoptive mom, has written a pretty good one and I basically went off of that, but I had much more that I wanted to include.  I kept it as brief as possible, not wanting to go into multiple pages (mine was 1 page, printed front and back).

August 17, 2016

Dear Teachers and School Staff,

We are looking forward to the 2016-2017 school year and we are excited to be a part of [school name]!  As we are new to your school, we would like to take a brief moment of your time to introduce our family.

We are Jay and Brooke, dad and mom to 2 wonderful biological boys and 1 darling adopted daughter.  Our daughter is attending your school this year.  While we are certain that our girl is not the first adopted child to enter your facility, we hope that listening to a bit of her story might help you figure out the best way to help her succeed this school year.

Quiet Tiger came from an orphanage in northern China.  She spent the first 22 months of her life in an extremely harsh environment.  She knew abandonment, hunger, neglect, and abuses that would break your heart.  Be assured that even those 22 short months of time has left its scars on our beautiful daughter.  Today she knows a loving, stable home with family and many friends in the area.  But just because she came home, doesn't mean that she's completely okay and able to put the past behind her.

Two years ago we tried public school for her, sending her to pre-school 5 days a week, for half days.  Her teacher was an adoptive father of 9 children, 1 of whom had attachment disorders like our daughter.  We were beyond thrilled that Quiet Tiger would be learning from a man who understood our issues and concerns!  But sending our formerly institutionalized child back to an institution was not a good idea.

You see, often times, these traumatized, attachment challenged children can hold it all together during the school day.  They can charm their teachers, be the little classroom leaders, attentive little learners, sweet teachers' helpers and model students.  However, once home, these same children lose all control because they have had to hold it together for 8 hours a day.  This was the case for Quiet Tiger.  She was a model student at school and all the teachers adored her.  Once she saw me at the front of the school to pick her up, she would lose all control.  She wouldn't look me in the eye or sit on my lap, she'd push me away or hit me, she would hardly speak to me and when she did, she resorted to baby talk, she would begin bouncing off the walls.  Her teacher saw these behaviors and tried to help her connect with me, using his best adoptive dad techniques, his best teacher techniques, to no avail.  Once home, our daughter would continue to unleash all types of negative behavior including destruction of school books, ripping up carpet, even soiling her pants, despite being toilet trained for years.

Last year we attempted homeschooling for kindergarten.  We had high hopes that the time spent at home and with mom would solidify an unbreakable, secure bond and a great year of learning.  While we did certainly see both academic and emotional growth, in the end, we were not certain homeschool was the right fit for her.

That brings us to today.  We are going to give your school a fair shot and have our girl try public school once again.  Perhaps now Quiet Tiger has the emotional capacity to handle schoolwork and being away from mom and dad all day.  But she may not.  Yet we are willing to give it our best attempt, even if that includes seeking a school counselor, if one is available, assistance from our social worker or other local professionals.  

In addition to attachment and anxiety issues, our daughter has a physical difference -- she was born without her right hand.  We are excited to tell you that we have found absolutely nothing this girl cannot do!  She likes to do karate, play tennis, swing from monkey bars, she will be able to tie her shoes, with help from a wristband and some Velcro she can jump rope!  In all things, we encourage her to find a way to do things that 2-handed children can do.  We do not exclude her from anything and assume your staff will do the same.  Quiet Tiger was not created to hide; she was created to shine!  Of course, we hope that you will help fellow students treat her respectfully and remind them that unkind words cannot be unheard.  We welcome questions from children because they are curious and simply want to learn and understand!  If we can come to your classroom to talk about physical differences, we would love to do so.  We have a few age appropriate books and family friendly websites to share with the students to better understand Quiet Tiger’s little hand.

Lastly, we would be remiss if we didn't kindly ask for your sensitivity on any class project regarding genealogy, family history, birth stories, et cetera.  These are topics that can be very hurtful to an adopted child.  If any such subject matter is to be planned, we would appreciate advanced notice so that we can work with you as a team on how best to approach this subject with our daughter.

We ask for your gentle understanding as we parent a child from a hard place.  We are thankful that we can count on you as members of Team Quiet Tiger!  We fully hope this year is a banner year for Quiet Tiger and that you can be a part of seeing a world of growth in our daughter this year.  If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us immediately.

Here's to a great year!

Jay & Brooke


Links about attachment disorders & childhood trauma:

·       http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder/basics/definition/con-20032126

·       http://www.attachment.org/reactive-attachment-disorder/

·       http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpteachrad.htm

·       http://empoweredtoconnect.org

      A quick PS to my blog readers and other families struggling with attachment disorder.  I wish I would have had the link below to include in the letter.  It was sent to me yesterday by one of my friends walking this road of adoption with me.  I loved this link and I think you will too.  It's lengthy, but it does explain things very well for teachers.

http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2016/09/parenting-our-children-with-reactive.html?m=1

School Girl

Today is the first day of public school here in Minnesota and it is Quiet Tiger's first day of kindergarten at our local elementary school.

A year of homeschool kindergarten nearly killed me.  Homeschooling my boys had always filled me up in ways I never knew existed.  It works for them and I would never in a million years ever think of sending them back to public school.  But sadly, homeschooling isn't right for Quiet Tiger and today she boarded that big yellow bus and went off to public school.

AND I HATE IT!

I HATE EVERY BIT OF IT!

This momma is one giant bag of mixed emotions today.  Bear with me as I unpack this chaos that is my brain.

Today I feel sad.

My baby is going off to kindergarten.   She has grown up so much and now she enters a big world out there without me.  No matter how hard we struggle with each other, I'm sad to let her go.

Today I feel anxious.

What you may or may not remember is that this very week, 6 years ago, Quiet Tiger's birth family abandoned her.  [And that noise you just heard was the collective sound of the crashing hearts of all those adoptive mommas out there who understand just exactly what that means.]  From all I have researched and written about here, we know that trauma doesn't tell time.  Quiet Tiger's brain does remember that day.  And what am I doing?  Here I am, abandoning her all over again... to the public school system... so very near of that dreaded 'trauma-versary.'  I know she will be cared for and we have told her time and again that she will come home every afternoon, but the timing of this couldn't be worse.  My heart aches that school has to start so late here in Minnesota, all thanks to our dumb State Fair.

Today I feel like a complete failure.

I worked my @$$ off last year to teach kindergarten to my daughter.  And she did learn.  She did!    Jay would come home at the end of the night and she'd be quick and excited to rattle off all she learned for him.  But she fought me.  She'd insist that 1+1 does not equal 2 despite using blocks and manipulatives.  She'd 'forget' how to count.  She never learned to read, not even to pre-read.  She seemed to 'check out' about 6-8 weeks before our 36 weeks of school was complete.  It felt like I had watched her hit a physical wall.  She couldn't do it anymore.  And yet we pushed onward.  I gave it my all and I feel like I failed her.  I deal with that a lot -- feeling like I have failed her in almost every realm of her daily life.  No matter how hard I try, I feel like I fail over and over again.

Today I feel angry.

Let's be completely honest here.  I'm not happy with our public school system.  Sure, there are great districts out there.  I was part of one when I was a kid and I'm thankful for the education I was blessed with!  And ours here may even be one of those great districts too.  And yes, there are awesome teachers and school administrators out there.  Some of my dearest friends are among those people.  This is not meant to slam them at all, please know that!  But I'm angry at how chaotic our school's open house was, particularly for those of us brand new to the school, it's staff and it's facility.  I'm angry that the teacher gave us less than 60 seconds of her time and seemed wildly overwhelmed.  I'm angry that we got sent home with a mountain of paperwork to go through, complete with papers to sign, initial and send back over a holiday weekend.  I'm angry that we were handed a homework project before school even began, to be completed on a holiday weekend.  I'm angry that she'll have homework through the school year.  I've been a homeschool mom long enough to read the studies that homework does not increase a child's knowledge, only piles on the stress and exhaustion after an already long day [for a 6 year old].  I'm angry that we have to be tied down to a rigid school schedule, dumb school rules and basically be at the mercy of teachers and school staff.  I'm angry that from this point on forward in the school year, I don't get any say about my daughter's education.

Today I feel fearful.

Do you remember what happened when we tried sending Quiet Tiger to preschool in Texas?  Because of that, I'm so scared of who will be coming home off that bus this afternoon.  I'm so scared that she'll be disregulated and off the wall and unable to connect with me.  I'm scared that she's going to resort to all kinds of negative behaviors.  I'm scared that we may have to relive that all over again and try hard to overcome.

Today I feel happy.

Wait, what?  After everything I just wrote above, I feel happy?  I told you I was a mixed bag of emotions.  I'm happy to be getting a break from this child.  I'm happy someone else gets to deal with her for 8 hours a day.  I'm happy that I will get to give my boys my best when it comes to their education.  And I'm happy that my boys will get a break from their sister too.  I'm happy that our school social worker has already called me to discuss some of our concerns about attachment disorder.  I'm happy that our principal is a relatively new adoptive dad who sees attachment disorder in his own daughter.  I'm happy that our school has current, fresh experience with a child with a limb difference.

Today I feel hopeful.

With all these wild emotions, I cling to hope.  I hope with all my heart that Quiet Tiger will learn this year.  I hope that she'll have a leg up on her peers academically, thanks to a year of homeschool under her belt.  I have hope that she'll learn to read.  I have hope that she will enjoy spending time with children her own age.  I hope that she will continue to grow emotionally and catch up to her peers on an emotional level.  I hope that she will be able to handle the time away from mom and brothers.  I have hope that maybe, just maybe, only 1 year of public school will be all she needs and that next year we can bring her home to give her the education that I strongly desire for her.  I have hope that this year will be an amazing year for Quiet Tiger.