It's been a bad week. A very bad week. You know friends, I'm really sick of drama. Ever since we started our adoption process our life has turned into a soap opera. Friends who have met me only in the last year or so would never know that life was once happy, easy, comfortable, the most boring reality show you'd ever see. Then we decided to adopt and all hell broke loose. The last 3 years I have hoped and prayed that when our adoption came to an end, that our drama would come to an end. I fully expected it.
On Monday Jay was in a car accident. It was just a fender bender. Two cars at a complete stop, the front car starts to move, Jay checks his blind spot and in that instant the car ahead of him hit the brake for no apparent reason and Jay rear ended him. The guy's truck didn't have a scratch but our Escape wasn't so lucky. Although drivable, the slight tap made the airbags deploy, the passenger airbag cracked the windshield and the grill came off. Thankfully Jay is alright, just an airbag burn on his wrist that looks nasty but is feeling better day by day.
The other driver said there was no need to call the police since his truck was fine, so there was no ticket issued. And when I signed up for new insurance when we moved to Texas, I knew that our new insurance does not offer "accident forgiveness" and they said our rates (the quote they gave was great!) would definitely go up if we had an accident. So, we are going to get the repairs done on our own and not go through insurance unless the friends looking at the vehicle find more wrong with it than we know. Our neighbor across the street is in auto sales and has connections to parts at wholesale prices and his dad or father-in-law (can't recall which) can do some of the work for us.
There have been blessings in the accident too though. Jay's officemate offered a gift to help cover some of the repairs. And Jay even got a new client that morning because he went right to the office instead of running an errand that morning and a new client just happened to walk in looking to roll over an old account. It wasn't a huge account by any means, but it's an account!
However the accident really left me in a heap. Life for the last 3 years has been ugly and I really just don't understand why God would allow it all to happen. And the fact that it keeps happening is just gut wrenching. I told Jay in tears that I'm just scared and am just really tired of life. I told him how mad I am at God and how I've yelled at Him since the accident. And of course, I said, "I just don't know how much more I can take."
Enter something more.
On Saturday night one of our dogs died. He was only 4 years old and very healthy, up to date on all shots and in very good spirits. Late last week I heard him gagging on something, trying to cough something up. The episode lasted an hour or so and he was back to his normal self, wrestling with his brother from the same litter, eating, drinking, barking and keeping watch over the house. Then in the middle of the night a few nights later I heard him whining to go out. But it was a night when I felt terrible from the cold that my daughter gave me that settled into my chest. I knew I would be walking into a filthy kitchen the next morning, but I couldn't get out of bed. Sure enough, Jay called me down the next morning on his way out the door for work and I scrubbed the kitchen floor to clean up the dog mess. I did notice 2 pieces of tiny legos on the floor, so I guessed that he had eaten them earlier in the week, but they were the tiny ones, so they passed right through him.
But after that he has been just fine. I watched him closely and he had been completely normal, eating, running, barking, jumping, mooching, snuggling, etc. Normal, happy, young American Eskimo. Even on Saturday night, the boys fed both dogs and they ate and wrestled and seemed fine. We had had a great day outside in the backyard enjoying the beautiful weather.
At 9:30 he started shaking his head violently and rubbing his muzzle on the floor. That seemed odd. I gave him a good scratch and he seemed fine and curled up on the floor. Maybe 20 or 30 minutes later he got up and started heading to the kitchen and his back legs wouldn't work. He was walking like he was drunk, back legs going everywhere except straight. But he got to the kitchen and laid down on his side. I knew something was desperately wrong.
I held him and watched his stomach twitch. I guessed that he had probably ingested more than those 2 tiny lego pieces and something was lodged in his digestive system. I carried him into the other room where Jay was and the boys crowded around. It was after 10pm and I hadn't put them to bed yet. I told them that Kenai was very sick and maybe we should sleep in the living room to be near him. The kids grabbed their sleeping bags and pillows and I took Kenai to the kitchen where he could lay on the cool floor. At one point he got up and wanted to go outside and did so under his own power so I had hopes that maybe he was just trying to pass something. I brought him inside and cleaned up his backside and laid him down again.
I got on the laptop to find an emergency vet. I wasn't on long before I heard Kenai crying in pain. Again I went to him to comfort him and rushed back to the computer. I couldn't find a vet that was open on Sundays or that late at night on a Saturday. I kept searching and finally found one right near Jay's office. As I was reading their hours, I heard Kenai's breathing change in the other room. I set down the laptop and went to him and he died in my arms within seconds.
I know it's just a car and I know it's just a dog.
Friends, I've been a Christian my whole life, raised in a Christian home. I know that God is good and that all things happen in His timing for His purposes. I know I'm supposed to trust Him and not live in fear of whats going to happen next. I know He can take my yelling and my anger, even when it's pointed directly at Him. But what on earth am I supposed to do with all of this? I feel like He's hitting me over the head with a crowbar saying, "McFly... Hello McFly..." trying to get my attention, but I just don't get what He wants from me.
Please pray for me.
Kenai, I love you.
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