2 Years

We’ve hit the 2 year mark in our adoption epic (thanks RM for that term – “epic” is way more fitting than “journey” at this point).  Two years ago today we started travelling this road. Two years, dreams of Nepal, one country shutdown, thousands of dollars lost, a 3-inch pink binder filled with countless pieces of paper, dozens of notarizations, and now repeat all of that all over again in a second large binder and add new dreams of China and I still haven’t seen the face of my daughter yet.

Adoptive families, friends and bloggers have told me that it will all be worth it when I hold my daughter in my arms on the other side of the globe. While I believe that to be true, I can’t quite wrap my head around that statement because that reality is just so very far, far away!

In all honesty, I really want to write about all the feelings I have today, the desperation, the desire to give up, the feeling of being at the end of my rope, let down, because that is how I’ve been feeling for months with the countless delays and chaos. While I’m quick to tell myself not to throw a pity party, an old friend of mine who is an amazing writer and speaker recently taught me that this is all a part of the grieving process. The last two years have brought us a lot of grief – the loss of a Nepali daughter, the loss of a major chunk of our savings, the loss of some good friends and even the loss of our local church. Painful to the very core of who we are and the hurts still keep coming even when I don’t think I can possibly take any more.  I'm still grieving.

I want to think positive, to press on towards something I think God has called me to, to follow Him wherever He may lead. If the month of April taught me anything, it taught me how strong I am. Does that sound braggadocios? I don’t mean it that way at all. I think all of us have hidden strength that God has given us, particularly in these times of trouble, and we need to acknowledge it and use it. So, I’ll try. Some days will be better than others. But with the tiniest shred of energy I have left inside me, I will be strong and endure the wait for my daughter. She is worth it. If God went to the ends of the earth for me, I’ll go to the ends of the earth for my little girl.

So in response to my previous post (Decisions – May 25), we are still adopting and not giving up. Our social worker has sent in her addendum and once again we continue the wait for our final form from USCIS. Once we are officially out on the West Coast we will update our home study and dossier with all that new information. If any of you bloggers know a good social worker in the Sacramento area, I’d love a reference!

Hang in there, Sweet Girl. Mommy loves you! Mommy is STILL dreaming of you. And I WILL come to get you and bring you HOME!