Come into my home and take a glimpse of what it's like during the holidays with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
You'll see my daughter come home off the bus from that last day of school for the semester and she'll immediately refuse to follow daily directions. She'll dawdle on the walk home, despite me calling from the doorway to get her rear in gear because it is cold outside. She'll trudge home and dump her jacket, snowpants, boots, hats and gloves on the floor instead of typically hanging them up inside the foyer closet as she normally does. She'll refuse to use the toilet or wash her hands. She'll speak when not spoken to (something that has been a no-no in our house since attending RAD camp last spring). She'll take advantage of grandparents visiting by running her mouth, asking for anything and everything (we're still doing no choices since attending RAD camp too).
She knows her normal school routine won't be happening for 1 week and she begins acting out.
Although seemingly happy, all rules seem to go out the window. And mom's stress and anxiety start creeping up.
But the girl also has been coughing for a few weeks. No fever, no major sickness. Just a small, dry cough. And something I learned at the aforementioned RAD camp last spring, is that these RAD kids will take something like a light cough and exacerbate it dramatically. Cough medicine that knowingly always works and has been working to stop this cough, suddenly stop working. So, coughing fits ensue as the girl tries to play Grammie against mommy. And this triggers mom and the anxiety increases another notch.
On Christmas Day, my child with RAD opens a small present, a set of bright colored, cute hair barrettes from her stocking and the girl rudely says, "What is this crap?" and throws them away from herself, all the while looking at mom to see if she'll get a rise out of me. Mom, blood boiling on the inside, continues to hide any emotions, burying them down deep, knowing that any reprimand, any consequence for the incredibly rude gesture from her RAD child will not be taken to heart. There will never be an apology, never an understanding of how rude and hurtful her words and action were. She'll never learn that her pot shot at mommy was another dagger being thrust into my gut, another crank of the wheel that further divides mother and daughter.
The morning after Christmas, after the grandparents leave for their home, I find that one of my gifts was torn into. And parts were strewn all over the floor behind the couch. When questioned, the RAD child places the blame on a grandparent. The girl doesn't fool me because said grandparent would never leave a mess anywhere in my home. Then the girl proceeds to tell me that the dogs made the mess. Um, my dogs have never been able to open a sealed box before and I don't expect that they suddenly wanted to dig into a box of solar landscaping lights.
Later that night, slightly before dinner, both mom and dad lose their cool when the child walks into the kitchen with a face covered in chocolate. There was no chocolate in her stocking, but mommy was blessed by a sweet treat and the girl immediately denies touching anything or eating anything. Girl, the evidence is written all over your face. Dad sends the girl to her room while mom finds a candy wrapper hidden under a piece of furniture. Mom and dad have both reached their limit.
Yet, the next morning, while running the vacuum over furry carpets still littered with tiny bits of wrapping paper, mom finds not 1, not 2 or even 3, but FOUR more candy wrappers hidden underneath the ottoman. Again, the girl denies any wrong doing. She had indeed confiscated and eaten more of mom's Christmas gift that we originally knew that day before. She touched no one else's stockings, just mom's. Just another attack on MOM.
And although in my heart I know it's not her, its the RAD doing all this, it sure does feel like a very personal, calculated attack, directly on me.
There can be no wonder I have anxiety issues and secondary PTSD raising a child who attacks me so hurtfully.
I am thrilled that Christmas break is only 1 week and that she goes back to school in 6 days and 14 hours from now. But who's counting? The boys and I will take an additional week off after the RAD child returns to school. And we'll have FUN and bring back the JOY to the holiday season!
RAD moms, you may struggle even worse than we do. But know that you are not alone!
