QEEG

I realized that I never posted about our results meeting from our long awaited QEEG Brain Map earlier this month (there's a link there to learn exactly what a QEEG is).

But first, let's go back a week earlier.  We had a long meeting at a new clinic just 30 minutes from home.  The place isn't exactly what I expected, as it's run by a bunch of chiropractors and not MDs  or psychiatrists or psychologists with lots of initials behind their names (and that's not intended as a pot shot at chiropractors, but when we are dealing with the brain, I want somebody with a lot more credentials behind their names).  Their office takes a 3-pronged approach to healthcare.  And honestly, some of it sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo.  I went in solely for the QEEG and corresponding Neurofeedback which seems to actually HELP these kids debilitated by Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I did not go in for a huge medical work-up.

They did lots of "tests" like balancing, closed eye activities, sensory activities and a very small physical exam, and then finally, that QEEG.  Sadly, I truly believe our daughter played the staff.  She played them like a fiddle.  She couldn't recognize scents that I know she knows from very familiar essential oils.  She couldn't balance like she normally could.  She complained that her belly hurt when the 1 chiropractor came in and pressed on her belly (yet I did it at home less than an hour later and she said it didn't hurt).  My list could go on, but trust me, she played them.  And I know this child and personally, they may fall for it, but I will not fall for it.

So, their 3-pronged approach can be flushed down the toilet for all I'm concerned.  Just give her the bleeping QEEG.

First attempt at a QEEG

Uh oh.  That was a problem from the start.  That same day as all those other tests, they tried the QEEG.  She got the cap on and they injected all the gel into all the holes and then they began the test.  But the girl would not cooperate.  She refused to follow their directions.  She wasn't ornery or throwing a tantrum, she just wouldn't keep her eyes closed when instructed.  The gal who was completing the test insisted my daughter was "too tired after such a long appointment (2 hours) already," and that we should come back another day.  LADY, YOU WERE BEING PLAYED!  But we complied with her own ignorance because frankly, she's my least favorite staff member and wouldn't listen to me and my concerns at all.  We went home, only to come back another day that week.

That day, I had a nice long, STRONG talk with my daughter about how she had better comply or else there would be serious consequences (as if a RAD kid gives a rip about consequences).  Now, I had another run-in with that same lady as before and I almost walked out of the office without said QEEG, but that story is for another time and has since been resolved.  And this time, Quiet Tiger complied.  Within about 20+ minutes, we were done and on our way home again, to wait a week for the results.

Results are EXACTLY as expected.  But first, here's a map of the brain for those of you who might forget the biology of the brain.  It's fascinating stuff!

LEFT FRONTAL LOBE
Results showed abnormally slower brain waves.  This can result in symptoms such as:

• Depression - yep
• Difficult with planning - yep
• Difficulty with word finding - sure, sometimes
• Difficulty with focusing, concentration and being attentive - oh good gosh, yes!
• Unable to multitask - yes
• Poor language comprehension - maybe
• Poor judgement - heck, yes!
• Poor organization skills - yep
• Poor memory recall - sometimes
• Memory impairments - maybe
• Poor working memory - maybe
• Difficulty with problem solving - yep
• Unable to think logically - heck, yeah!

RIGHT FRONTAL LOBE
Results showed abnormally faster brain waves.  This can result in symptoms such as:

• Aggressive behavior - um, yes!
• Anger - holy cow, yes!
• Anxiety - constantly
• Compulsive behavior - all the time
• Overwhelming fear - she lives here
• Hyper-vigilance - her middle name
• Impulsive - all the freaking time
• Increased risk taking - yep
• Irritability - yep
• Manic behavior - oh, yeah
• Obsessive behavior - yep
• Panic attacks - maybe, hard to tell in a 7 year old; mommy has had a few in the last few years thanks to this child
• Poor behavioral inhibition - yep
• Rumination - possibly, who knows what this child thinks about
• Oppositional defiance - scream it from the rooftops, yes!

SENSORY MOTOR CORTEX
Results showed abnormally slower brain waves.  This can result in symptoms such as:

• Attention deficits - sure
• Difficulty calculating math - maybe, but maybe not (she plays her teacher like a fiddle too)
• Difficulty learning motor skills - maybe, but maybe not (after all, she is one-handed)
• Sleeping excessively - this I'll say no to
• Extreme sadness - hard to tell, she's angry a lot, probably not all that sad
• Loss of fine motor skills - again hard to tell with a 1-handed child
• Loss of touch and vibratory senses - very likely
• Poor auditory processing - likely
• Poor handwriting - yep

ANTERIOR TEMPORAL CORTEX
Results showed abnormally slower brain waves.  This can result in symptoms such as:

• Depression - yep
• Non-attentive - yep
• Difficulty with categorization - probably, not sure what her teacher would say
• Poor grammar - not sure; compared to her China-adoptee peers, I'd say my girl's grammar is great
• Poor language comprehension - her teacher might agree to this
• Poor word retrieval - maybe
• Slurred speech - sure, especially when she's dysregulated
• Stuttering - haven't seen too much of this
• Inability to focus and concentrate - heck, yes!
• Disinterest - sure
• Dissociative - yep
• Inability to laugh or smile - sometimes, sure, especially when I want to do a photoshoot
• Lack of motivation - yep
• Lack of creativity - not really
• Seclusive - sometimes

MEDIAL TEMPORAL CORTEX
Results showed abnormally slower brain waves.  This can result in symptoms such as:

• Difficulty processing complex sounds - not sure
• Difficulty multitasking - yep
• Inability to reason with others - heck, yes
• Long term memory loss - unsure
• Poor language and reading comprehension - her teacher might agree to the reading comp part
• Word finding difficulties - maybe sometimes
• Poor emotional processing - gosh, yes
• Poor navigational skills - likely
• Unable to recognize familiar voices - never tried this
• Unable to recognize symbols - unsure

Long story short, the only part of her brain that is functioning normally is the back of her brain that is basically keeping her alive.  From my personal notes above, I think you'd agree with me that the Frontal Cortex (both left and right) is the place of biggest concern!  That describes my daughter to a T.  [And mommy finally has scientific proof that her daughter is messed up and needs help!  Mommy is not making this stuff up!]

The course of treatment from here on out is Neurofeedback.  This new team suggests 20 sessions, plus therapies we are to do at home, which I know nothing about at this point in time.  Half way through, they will do another QEEG to check for progress.  And then at the end of all 20 sessions, they will do a final QEEG to see final results.  All in all, they'd want to see Quiet Tiger twice a week, making all of this take 10 relatively short weeks.

None of this comes cheaply.  It will be about $3000 for all of this.  Although we will most likely be able to apply this to Quiet Tiger's individual deductible and our family deductible, even $3000 doesn't fulfill even her individual portion.  So, it will be all out of pocket.  Plus, that $3000 is the reduced amount if we pay in full up front.  If we pay as we go, we'd end up paying more.

I have some friends from the Healing Hearts Camp back this spring that have done Neurofeedback with their RAD kids and they all report great things!  So, this really is the route we need to take.  Now just to figure out where that money is coming from and when to fork it all over and begin treatments, knowing that these sessions would also take her out of school for a portion of her day, at least twice a week for 10 weeks.

So, there you have it.  I'd appreciate prayers for:
(1) God to provide the funds to begin and take full advantage of every discount we get to keep costs down.

And of course,
(2) for the Neurofeedback to work; for all those brain waves in every section of her brain to be working as they should be, nothing abnormally slow or abnormally fast, so that we can once and for all meet the real Quiet Tiger and see her function as a normal 7 year old should, and see help and healing from Reactive Attachment Disorder!

Christmas with RAD

Come into my home and take a glimpse of what it's like during the holidays with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

You'll see my daughter come home off the bus from that last day of school for the semester and she'll immediately refuse to follow daily directions.  She'll dawdle on the walk home, despite me calling from the doorway to get her rear in gear because it is cold outside.  She'll trudge home and dump her jacket, snowpants, boots, hats and gloves on the floor instead of typically hanging them up inside the foyer closet as she normally does.  She'll refuse to use the toilet or wash her hands.  She'll speak when not spoken to (something that has been a no-no in our house since attending RAD camp last spring).  She'll take advantage of grandparents visiting by running her mouth, asking for anything and everything (we're still doing no choices since attending RAD camp too). 

She knows her normal school routine won't be happening for 1 week and she begins acting out. 

Although seemingly happy, all rules seem to go out the window.  And mom's stress and anxiety start creeping up.

But the girl also has been coughing for a few weeks.  No fever, no major sickness.  Just a small, dry cough.  And something I learned at the aforementioned RAD camp last spring, is that these RAD kids will take something like a light cough and exacerbate it dramatically.  Cough medicine that knowingly always works and has been working to stop this cough, suddenly stop working.  So, coughing fits ensue as the girl tries to play Grammie against mommy.  And this triggers mom and the anxiety increases another notch. 

On Christmas Day, my child with RAD opens a small present, a set of bright colored, cute hair barrettes from her stocking and the girl rudely says, "What is this crap?" and throws them away from herself, all the while looking at mom to see if she'll get a rise out of me.  Mom, blood boiling on the inside, continues to hide any emotions, burying them down deep, knowing that any reprimand, any consequence for the incredibly rude gesture from her RAD child will not be taken to heart.  There will never be an apology, never an understanding of how rude and hurtful her words and action were.  She'll never learn that her pot shot at mommy was another dagger being thrust into my gut, another crank of the wheel that further divides mother and daughter. 

The morning after Christmas, after the grandparents leave for their home, I find that one of my gifts was torn into.  And parts were strewn all over the floor behind the couch.  When questioned, the RAD child places the blame on a grandparent.  The girl doesn't fool me because said grandparent would never leave a mess anywhere in my home.  Then the girl proceeds to tell me that the dogs made the mess.  Um, my dogs have never been able to open a sealed box before and I don't expect that they suddenly wanted to dig into a box of solar landscaping lights.

Later that night, slightly before dinner, both mom and dad lose their cool when the child walks into the kitchen with a face covered in chocolate.  There was no chocolate in her stocking, but mommy was blessed by a sweet treat and the girl immediately denies touching anything or eating anything.  Girl, the evidence is written all over your face.  Dad sends the girl to her room while mom finds a candy wrapper hidden under a piece of furniture.  Mom and dad have both reached their limit.

Yet, the next morning, while running the vacuum over furry carpets still littered with tiny bits of wrapping paper, mom finds not 1, not 2 or even 3, but FOUR more candy wrappers hidden underneath the ottoman.  Again, the girl denies any wrong doing.  She had indeed confiscated and eaten more of mom's Christmas gift that we originally knew that day before.  She touched no one else's stockings, just mom's.  Just another attack on MOM.

And although in my heart I know it's not her, its the RAD doing all this, it sure does feel like a very personal, calculated attack, directly on me.

There can be no wonder I have anxiety issues and secondary PTSD raising a child who attacks me so hurtfully. 

I am thrilled that Christmas break is only 1 week and that she goes back to school in 6 days and 14 hours from now.  But who's counting?  The boys and I will take an additional week off after the RAD child returns to school.  And we'll have FUN and bring back the JOY to the holiday season!

RAD moms, you may struggle even worse than we do.  But know that you are not alone!

Merry Christmas 2017

Christmas Greetings from all of us in Minnesota!

Jay continues building his business with Edward Jones in Zimmerman.  This is his 5th year with the firm.  His amazing work efforts earned us a trip to the Mediterranean this summer!  Our favorite spot was the beach at Villefranche, France where we swam in the Sea.  He is a trainer for Level New FAs just entering their career with EJ.  He is Chamber of Commerce President.  He continues to root for all his favorite Chicago sports teams.

Beautiful Villefranche

Brooke continues to homeschool both boys, keeping her busy all week long.  The house is never clean, but at least the kids are getting an education!  She occasionally fills in for Jay's assistant when needed at the office.  She coordinated the local Edward Jones Christmas party this year for the amazing Region 303.  She enjoyed an early winter photo shoot, taking pictures of the kids for this year's holiday blog.

And now for the kids in photo form:

Quiet Tiger
Age 7
First Grade
Reading like a champ
Loves anything artsy
Starting therapies for RAD in the New Year

Super E -- aka "Pika"
Age 10
5th Grade
Still loves animals and zoology and still wants to be a vet
Amazing cook and baker

Super C -- aka "Tepig"
High school freshman
Enjoying learning Spanish this year
Spends free time at 2 youth groups, having Nerf wars and making videos for his YouTube channel

Quiet Tiger
with Juneau -- 8 year old American Eskimo

Super E
with Reese -- 3 year old Pit mix
Reese still struggles with her herniated disc but loves her chiropractor

Super C
with Mack -- 5 year old Great Pyrenees/Chow Chow mix
Mack is the most laid back giant who sings for his meals

Merry Christmas 2017
from all of us in Minnesota!

Thank God That's Over

November is National Adoption Month.

And for so many people, they take that time to push hard, advocating for kids in need of families.  They share stories of how adoption has changed their lives for the better.  They say how blessed their families are with their adopted child.  They say things like they feel like they gave birth to their adopted child.  They exude joy and pride over their adopted kids.  Awesomeness!  That's how it should be.  But....

National Adoption Month is a trigger, after trigger, after trigger for me.

Because our story comes from the flip-side of the record.

Our adoption journey was a nightmare from day one.  And if you've been around my blog, our adoption diary, long enough, you've read nearly all the gory details.

And just because you bring them home, doesn't mean they are suddenly okay.

We're living a life of Reactive Attachment Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The daughter we fought like mad for cannot and will not accept our love.  She pushes us away daily.  She lives in a constant state of hyper-vigilance over every aspect of her life from food, to noises, to objects, to the daily schedule, you name it.

I once advocated for children in need of families.  I once even thought perhaps we'd adopt again, even if it were from US foster care.  Our adoption story has only brought us more stress and more pain, including secondary PTSD for me and stressed out boys.  Blessings from adoption are few in our household.  I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, even though it means putting our girl on the bus to school and getting a nice, long 8 hour break from her.  And then the anxiety revs back up come 4:30pm when her bus arrives home and I have no clue who will be coming off of that big yellow school bus.  I long to go back to the time when we were a happy, comfortable, family of four.

Finding help for a 7 year old child is nearly impossible where we are.  Many therapists would take on a new client, if only she were 13.  Those who treat kids younger than 13 are nearly impossible to find, and once found, I learn they aren't taking on new clients.  If we can find someone, therapies will cost us thousands of dollars in 2018, won't be covered by insurance and will force us to drive all over the Twin Cities just to find some relief, some help, some hope of moving forward instead of being stuck in RAD & PTSD.  And much like a cancer, there is not cure for RAD, only treatments that help.

So, National Adoption Month isn't all sunshine and roses for everyone.  National Adoption Month makes me want to sink deeper under the covers and bury myself alive, never to see the light of day every again.  The guilt, the regrets, the grief, the stress, the anxiety, torture me nearly every minute of every day. 

Before anyone thinks this is one giant solo pity party, I can give you dozens of names of people in the trenches with me, fighting the battle of trauma, attachment and anxiety that comes with adoption.  We speak private, true words to each other because there are so few who honestly understand.  We are a tight knit family.  They may keep their voices quiet, but I will not any longer.  Our voices need to be heard because we need change and we need help, our kids need help.  We cannot let the kids' stories end like this!  So, we press on.

National Adoption Month is not for everyone.