I've got to say that 12 weeks, that's 3 months of this, has honestly ruined our summer. I'm not going to apologize for sounding pathetic or overly dramatic. I haven't seen friends, I haven't been to church, I haven't been able to talk on the phone with family or friends because the girl will react and try to control. And after 7pm when she goes to bed is the only family time or me time I'd get before I'd hit the sack at 10:30pm. I'm so, so, so D - O - N - E!
Here is what our last 6 weeks have looked like:
Talking changed slightly as we began Phase 2. We were able to talk "to" her again, but only using simple phrases like, "Good! Well done! Good job!" We were able to give her simple directions as she re-learned tasks and we said things like, "Stay on.... don't get off."
Quiet Tiger received a tiny bit more freedom from being in the front carrier. I still had to carry her 6 hours a day these last 6 weeks. But her time out of the carrier was spent doing various exercises. What was most interesting to me was the addition of crawling games. Many of these RAD kids missed their crawling stages due to neglect. We know Quiet Tiger was tied to a crib during her toddlerhood and she likely missed out on this developmental milestone of crawling. So, we pulled up the pop-up tunnels we had kept since the boys were toddlers and my home became a messy network of tubes and tunnels and obstacle courses of crawling activity. Super E particularly liked making up crawling challenges for his little sister (most of the time)!
In addition to crawling activities, and continued exercise time on the trampoline and walks around the neighborhood, each week of Phase 2 added something new.
PHASE 2 -- WEEK 1
The first exercise we were to accomplish involved limit setting. Miss Quiet Tiger had to learn how to sit on a beach towel with a bunch of Duplo Lego blocks (the toddler kind) and play for 5-10 minutes. During this time, no blocks or body parts could leave the towel. Even one tiny little pinky toe over the edge of the towel and she was whisked back to the baby carrier. Once she could learn this limit setting activity, we moved onto the second step. Although on Day 1 she seemed to stay within limits, we practiced this activity for 1 week.
During week 1, we had Jay's Summer Regional for a long weekend up north and we tried as best as possible to keep up with the therapy as prescribed, but in all honesty, it didn't really happen. Quiet Tiger went to child care when I was in required meetings. I brought the carrier with me, but she never used it. I brought the beach towel and blocks with me but she only used those when we were in the room, which was very rare. I still hand fed her at every meal. I allowed her swimming time in the pool while I rested my weary mind, body and soul poolside, talking with fellow FA wives. As much as I knew I shouldn't have done it, I needed it. I truly did. Quiet Tiger still threw her fits that made me want to pack up and leave early, forcing Jay to mooch a ride home from a colleague, but I toughed it out as I have been forced to do this summer and we made it through.
PHASE 2 - WEEK 2
When we got back from Regional, we jumped into Week 2. This second step was all about body control. Quiet Tiger had to learn how to sit in a chair and be still for 30 seconds. She could talk, but not rage. She had to sit relatively nicely, but we were not to give too much instruction as long as she wasn't hanging over the sides of the chair. We practiced this activity for week 2. And much like learning to sit on the towel, she accomplished this task very quickly. We kept up the practice for a whole week, extending the time in the chair.
But something else happened in Week 2 that made us switch up the program, by suggestion of one of our trusted therapists. We had an evening outing with clients on our calendar. That meant Miss Quiet Tiger staying home with her brothers. I fed her dinner before we left, had her in her pajamas too. All she needed was to wait 30 minutes until bedtime. After midnight when we came home, I realized quickly that the girl did not sleep. Instead, she went into the master bathroom (again, she had been sleeping in our master bedroom for weeks at this point) and went through drawers, opening make-up remover pads, playing in some kiddie make-up I was saving for her for a much later date (that was hidden way back in a cabinet, so she definitely had to search for them). And next to my nightstand I found that she had twisted and damaged my 1 and only good charger for my tablet and phone into a rats nest that was nearly beyond recognition. I was livid! She did nothing to Jay's stuff. It's all an attack on me. Is there any wonder why we RAD moms have PTSD ourselves? Good gosh, y'all! What a nightmare! I emailed one of our therapists after midnight. She told me that we could immediately send the girl back to her room for bedtime so that her destruction of my stuff wouldn't happen during bedtime hours again! She remained on the crib mattress on the floor, close to her bedroom door, at the suggestion of the therapist. I also ran to the resale shop and found a used video baby monitor. These were suggested by the therapists at camp. I set it up on a dresser in QT's room temporarily until I could actually hook it up onto the wall when she returned to her twin bed in the coming weeks. But HIP HIP HURRAY!!!! I was finally getting my bedroom back! More on bedtime in a bit.
Here's something else we learned at camp and it's a bit of a rabbit trail, so bear with me. We needed to eliminate everything from her bedroom. No toys, no books, no lamps, no dressers (if that can be avoided), no pictures on the walls. NOTHING! So, in Week 2 when we put Quiet Tiger back in her room to sleep, I emptied out all her drawers (leaving the dressers there, but eliminating the objects inside that she could choose to destroy at her will) and put all her clothes in the closet. All pictures came off the walls, the dress-up area was removed, even decorative items on top of the dressers were removed. The closet was locked with child locks at the very top where she could never reach them. It's sad and depressing to have to remove such cute, fun things from her room. But we have to do this in order to protect those items and to keep her brain from being tempted to destroy everything in her path.
But something else happened in Week 2 that made us switch up the program, by suggestion of one of our trusted therapists. We had an evening outing with clients on our calendar. That meant Miss Quiet Tiger staying home with her brothers. I fed her dinner before we left, had her in her pajamas too. All she needed was to wait 30 minutes until bedtime. After midnight when we came home, I realized quickly that the girl did not sleep. Instead, she went into the master bathroom (again, she had been sleeping in our master bedroom for weeks at this point) and went through drawers, opening make-up remover pads, playing in some kiddie make-up I was saving for her for a much later date (that was hidden way back in a cabinet, so she definitely had to search for them). And next to my nightstand I found that she had twisted and damaged my 1 and only good charger for my tablet and phone into a rats nest that was nearly beyond recognition. I was livid! She did nothing to Jay's stuff. It's all an attack on me. Is there any wonder why we RAD moms have PTSD ourselves? Good gosh, y'all! What a nightmare! I emailed one of our therapists after midnight. She told me that we could immediately send the girl back to her room for bedtime so that her destruction of my stuff wouldn't happen during bedtime hours again! She remained on the crib mattress on the floor, close to her bedroom door, at the suggestion of the therapist. I also ran to the resale shop and found a used video baby monitor. These were suggested by the therapists at camp. I set it up on a dresser in QT's room temporarily until I could actually hook it up onto the wall when she returned to her twin bed in the coming weeks. But HIP HIP HURRAY!!!! I was finally getting my bedroom back! More on bedtime in a bit.
Here's something else we learned at camp and it's a bit of a rabbit trail, so bear with me. We needed to eliminate everything from her bedroom. No toys, no books, no lamps, no dressers (if that can be avoided), no pictures on the walls. NOTHING! So, in Week 2 when we put Quiet Tiger back in her room to sleep, I emptied out all her drawers (leaving the dressers there, but eliminating the objects inside that she could choose to destroy at her will) and put all her clothes in the closet. All pictures came off the walls, the dress-up area was removed, even decorative items on top of the dressers were removed. The closet was locked with child locks at the very top where she could never reach them. It's sad and depressing to have to remove such cute, fun things from her room. But we have to do this in order to protect those items and to keep her brain from being tempted to destroy everything in her path.
PHASE 2 - WEEK 3
The third week, our daughter was invited to dress herself again. One thing we learned at camp is that kids with attachment disorder get absolutely zero choices until they are healed! They don't even get to pick out their socks or underwear for the day! Zero choices! Mom and dad make the decisions, all the decisions, every single day. The child gets zero say in matters! It really makes sense when you live with a RAD child and their controlling ways. So, in week 3, Quiet Tiger was able to dress herself again, but we still chose her clothes. And so you can see how she personally digs into my heart to hurt me, one day I picked for her the shirt from our family reunion last summer. My boys love their shirts. They were super cute. But the minute I grabbed that shirt for Quiet Tiger, she had to make some audible, little comment about hating that shirt and how she never, ever wanted to wear it. She makes no other comments whatsoever about other clothes. But the one from the family reunion makes her comment such hateful things with respect to family. [Shaking my head at the absurdity, but it hurts me, it really does and I have to try not to show it or else the girl wins!]
Weeks 4 and 5 were switched for us. As we wrapped up Phase 1 of this therapy, we realized that much of Quiet Tiger's rage revolves around food. I've said before how this child can eat me under the table, which says a lot seeing how overweight I am! One thing I noticed in Phase 1 was that sometimes, many times, Quiet Tiger would swallow food whole like a snake! No chewing, just swallow. Good grief! She didn't have any dental problems or pain, just massive food insecurities. Sigh. So, week 4 of Phase 2 was supposed to be Quiet Tiger eating by herself again, like a toddler with food cut up into pieces. But we decided food would be the thing we needed to keep under control until the last minute. So, we swapped weeks 5 and 4 at the suggestion of the therapist. Then again....
PHASE 2 - WEEK 4
Week 4 was supposed to be all about sleeping in her own room again. I'm not going to apologize, Jay and I like sleeping with our TV on at night until we fall asleep and it turns off automatically. We like the quiet background noise, listening to Friends, The Office or some other funny sitcom at night to lighten the mood in our household after long, trying days of this therapy. With our daughter in our room, the world's lightest sleeper, TV in bed wasn't an option. In fact, TV is never an option ever with a RAD child. No TV on at all (until she goes to bed at 7pm when we watch something or play video games with the boys) until the child is healed. But I digress. Quiet Tiger moved back into her bedroom during week 2. What we did back then was to move the crib mattress back to the floor in her bedroom. She did not get to sleep in her twin bed. So, since week 2, she had been on the crib mattress on her floor. We also installed a cheap door alarm on her bedroom door. This was suggested at camp because in their previous lives, nighttime might have been a very scary time for a traumatized child. Now, we don't think anything bad happened in that orphanage overnight, other than our daughter's cries going unanswered until she just gave up trying. But the alarm on the door serves 2 purposes, it tells the child when someone is entering their room at night and it also alerts the parents should the child try and escape their room after lights out. I happened to have an extra door alarm from the 2-pack that I bought for Jay's office, so I installed the spare on Quiet Tiger's door.
PHASE 2 - WEEK 5
That brings us to Week 5. For Week 5, well, we were gone. Jay earned a trip through work and he, Super C and I were off for a week on a Mediterranean cruise while Super E and Quiet Tiger stayed home! More on our awesome, much needed work vacation later. For Week 5 my mom and stepdad were here. We had them keep the status quo and not change anything up for Miss Quiet Tiger. Now, my mom couldn't carry the girl in a front carrier, but with help from a web conference with one of the camp's therapists, Quiet Tiger was given strict boundaries and could not be spoiled by her loving Grammie! I know many will want a post outlining how that week looked, along with some do's and don'ts for grandparents. And I will post that, I promise! It is good information, no, it's CRITICAL information, directly from one of our most trusted, experienced, loving and encouraging therapists! If you have a RAD child who sees grandparents or even close family and friends often, it will be a post you don't want to miss!
PHASE 2 - WEEK 6
Once we were home, we began carrying Quiet Tiger in the front carrier again after being out for the week we were gone. Yeah, she bucked -- physically. She had a week of "freedom" and here she was "trapped" again in our arms with no control anymore. Taking away her control scares the bleep out of her, so she reacts like a caged animal. Talk about a welcome home. Sigh. After a couple of days of being held again, I moved Quiet Tiger back to her twin bed, all the while keeping her on that video baby monitor at bedtime. Her bed is right by her window and I can easily foresee her trying to destroy her curtains in there one day. Yet she knows she is being watched in her room, so she hasn't tried anything as of yet.
In addition to all the steps and activities I've already listed, we began to allow Quiet Tiger to feed herself again. No food choices are allowed! Not even suggestions! In fact, if she said something like, "Peanut butter and jelly sounds good for lunch," I'd make sure to make a turkey sandwich, or heat up leftovers from dinner. No choices! Mom and dad set the meal plan, mom and dad fill her plate, we cut everything into toddler sized pieces, and the girl was allowed to hand-feed again (not even utensils unless it's something like soup or something, which then we still hand feed her ourselves). She is not allowed to take one single bite until mom or dad take a bite at the meal table! Mom and dad decided if seconds were allowed, only after mom and dad were done with firsts. These are all important steps to take with food for attachment challenged kids! And food is a HUGE issue for our girl. All these steps make sense to me, yet I truly wonder if she'll ever be able to get over being hungry in her infancy. Makes me so mad I could kick kittens! Come on, China! Look what you did to this poor child! Curse you!
So, that wraps up our 6 weeks of Phase 2. It happened to end on Quiet Tiger's 7th birthday. I truly hope these last 12 weeks were life changing for her and that we truly can have a re-birth of sorts for my big 7 year old! I have hope, but the change is so hard to see when we are living in the trenches day by day. Former camp-goers say the first year post camp is the toughest, so we may have a long journey ahead of us yet, but the camp track record is pretty huge and these kids can heal with this program! So we need your continued prayers for healing!
This post is long enough, so I'll write about what we do from here on out in another post, because from here on out, we officially begin all the steps and processes we learned at the Healing Hearts Camp. Thank you for your continued prayers! Please keep them coming as we venture into all the techniques we learned at camp back in April! Wow, that seems like a lifetime ago! I hope I remember it all!
