I know many have been anxious for a post about how things went at the Healing Hearts Camp that we were invited to at the end of April. While I still promise a good review of camp, I simply haven't had time. Instead, this is an update from our 6 weeks of prescribed in-home, intense therapy that we were asked to try at camp.
Miss Quiet Tiger did not respond as well as hoped at camp. Anytime she needed to go to the intervention room, she'd come back to us and be able to explain what happened, but her lack of eye contact was bothersome. Her eyes darted anywhere around the room, anywhere except our eyes. That quickly showed her lack of bond with any of us, even after 5 years home. Welcome to Reactive Attachment Disorder Land.
The team prayed over our family and asked us a bold question. Would we be willing to "wear her" for 6 weeks at home, to hand feed her like a baby, to play baby games, to speak baby talk, to basically regress her back to infancy to release her trauma in the safe arms of her mom and dad? We were told she'd respond better to the techniques we learned at camp if she could release that baby trauma and turn to us in her time of need.
Reluctantly, I agreed.
For 6 weeks at home, I carried her in a borrowed front-carrier. For 6 weeks we hand fed her. For 6 weeks we talked "over/across" her, not "to" her, if that makes any sense. For 6 weeks I rocked her in Jay's recliner in the living room. For 6 weeks she was either carried or swaddled and cradled in our arms. For 6 weeks, she received 2 daily sessions of 30-minute exercise time where she got to jump vigorously on a trampoline or take a nice long walk around the neighborhood. That was her only time out from our arms during waking hours. For 6 weeks she slept in our bedroom on a crib mattress on the floor next to my side of the bed. For 6 weeks she was a baby again.
She grieved. We heard those baby cries that went unanswered in China.
She raged. She dished out whatever she could muster to hurt me, to push me away, fighting the bond we were trying to build. She kicked me. She hit me. She head-butted me, skull to skull, hard. She spat in my face. She blew snot on me. She pinched me. She dug that sharp little "lucky fin" into my ribs. She thrashed like a child possessed (honest to God, I have Googled the word "exorcist"), sometimes for hours straight (10:30am-4:30pm one day alone). She called me names, told me I was a bitch about 30 times straight the very day we came home from camp (and she meant it!), she said I smelled like poo, she said I was the worst mom ever, she said she hated me, told me she didn't need a mommy, didn't care that she had a strong mommy who loved her. And yes, she dished out similar stuff to Jay too when he was home from work.
Reactive Attachment Disorder SUCKS!!!!!
All I could do was hold her. I was reminded that no matter what, I am an adult and I am stronger than her. I held her head to my shoulder with all my might so she couldn't head-butt me. I held her legs with everything I had so that she couldn't kick me. I used a folded towel to block her blows. We held her arms around me, so that she couldn't hit me. My arms ached after 6 weeks of physically restraining her from her massive attempts to control me.
Oh, there is so much more to it.
I couldn't get a thing done around the house. Despite being in a carrier, it's so different when you are carrying an almost 7 year old with you, versus carrying a newborn. I couldn't do dishes. I couldn't do laundry. I attempted to vacuum, but even that was impossible. I could hardly walk to the mailbox at the end of my short driveway with a 43 pound child attached to me. And it had nothing to do with being out of shape. It had everything to do with the fact that she'd thrash at any moment to try and tick me off. My yard became more dandelion than green grass. My beautiful tulips sat in a flowerbed without mulch. My house became one giant white fur ball. Remarkably, bills somehow got paid on time, but barely. That's the only thing I got right. I had to miss a dear friend's wedding because there was no way I could travel to another state with her strapped to me. My entire calendar had to be cleared for 6 long weeks. My life was about nothing other than the girl, the girl who physically, verbally and emotionally abused me. Hardly time to shower or brush my teeth or put on a bra each day! Talk about losing your sense of self! I was exhausted.
It was so physically and emotionally painful. I wanted to give up multiple times, but I knew if I did, we'd be forced to make a decision that wouldn't be in Quiet Tiger's best interests. I cried. I retreated to the basement and punched the crap out of the boys' punching bag, despite my burning, aching muscles. After her strict 7pm bedtime, I'd run to the store for a few quick things, then sit in the car in the store parking lot, not wanting to come home ever again. I wanted to run away and hide -- forever.
My boys?
My boys have been a huge help to me. They have had to cancel summer plans that they had really hoped for. Super C was considering taking diving lessons at the local junior high and Super E was hoping for more tennis lessons. Super E got to go to the wedding with Jay, a guys trip to South Dakota. But I couldn't handle the girl by myself and Super C stayed home with me. My boys have cooked many meals, cleaned the kitchen, ran the vacuum and taken care of their still-ailing puppy dog for 6 long weeks. They have decided to run and hide when their sister is out of control, but jump to my aid when I need help restraining her. They hate what I've had to go through.
We were told weeks 2 and 3 would be the worst. We were told rages would become shorter and fewer and farther between. We were told meaningful eye contact would be established and increased. We were told her desire to constantly control would become less and less. We were told she would become more and more relaxed as her brain changed from trying to escape the closeness, to accepting the closeness.
We didn't see that until week 5 and even then, progress was really hard to see. Perhaps another week of "infancy" would have done her some good, but I tell you, at Week 5 I hit... the... wall. I couldn't do it one day, one hour, one minute longer.
Suck it up, Brooke.
I had to. I had to press on for that 6th and final week of Phase 1.
Starting tomorrow, we are officially on Phase 2 of the program. For the next 6 weeks we are slowly helping her return to her proper age, all the while keeping her in the carrier and playing more toddler appropriate games. I still talk "across/over" her and not "to" her, but that will slowly change. She will soon move back into her bedroom, staying on the crib mattress on the floor, but eventually sleeping in her twin bed again. Right now I am still hand feeding her, but that will slowly change to her feeding herself again. Control over food is still a HUGE cause of her rages these days and it's so big I don't know if she'll ever get over being hungry in China. We'll see what happens over the course of another 6 weeks.
During this Phase 2, we have 2 work trips planned, work trips that cannot be missed. Next weekend is Jay's Summer Regional for the whole family. I will press on with Phase 2 of this therapy as best I can up North at the Regional, but she will go off with provided sitters when we need to be in scheduled meetings. Then in July, Jay, Super C and I will be gone about 10 days on a trip Jay earned through work. Super E and Quiet Tiger will stay home and my mom and stepdad will watch the kids. I desperately seek your prayers for that time because we don't want Quiet Tiger taking a step back in her progress. My mom will Skype with one of the camp's trusted therapists on how to handle our girl during our absence. And that is a huge blessing!
Keep us in your prayers during these next 6 weeks as we muddle through Phase 2. Phase 2 will be easier, but not really by much. This work is agonizingly tough! We just so desperately need to see our girl making more progress!
Before I leave you, I want to thank those who have helped us tangibly through meals, treats, gift cards, texts, email, Facebook messages, phone calls and prayer. These last 6 weeks have been so very lonely. This isn't the toughest thing we've been through in our lives, but it ranks right up there! There is no way I could have made it through these weeks without you! So, I thank you with all my heart.
Before I leave you, I want to thank those who have helped us tangibly through meals, treats, gift cards, texts, email, Facebook messages, phone calls and prayer. These last 6 weeks have been so very lonely. This isn't the toughest thing we've been through in our lives, but it ranks right up there! There is no way I could have made it through these weeks without you! So, I thank you with all my heart.
Please keep us in your prayers these next 6 weeks!
