You remember that first day when she wouldn't connect, when the life was sucked from her from the moment we got up, got dressed, ate breakfast and walked into the classroom?
Well, things got better very quickly, or so I had thought.
I picked her up and she was happy, content, even pleased but she still wouldn't connect with me. No eye contact, eyes and brain still in that "far away place." The teacher may have reported that she was a delight, a little leader, good, sweet and attentive and very smart. He was happy with her performance. It was exactly that.
It was an act.
You see, kids with attachment disorders go into survival mode and they can put on a good show, to go through the motions, to seemingly behave and do what people want them to do and even seem content in new, different situations. They are good little actors, believe me! But it's not real. It's a falsehood. It's merely coping and not connecting like you and I do. It's how they lived in an orphanage, tied down to cribs, not held, not fed enough, not making eye contact and personal connections with fellow human beings, child or adult. And it's a problem.
Coping. Not connecting.
The problem reared it's ugly head with crazy hyper activity when L would be back in our presence, away from the school building and back in familiar surroundings (even familiar surroundings such as Walmart, believe it or not). You have never seen a child this hyper! She was out of control. Unable to control her body, her arms, her legs, her head, her mouth, anything. Later in the afternoon she would find control and put that control in a bad place -- she would poop in her pants. Daily. Every afternoon. Deliberately. In front of me. Or in secret. She also destroyed items in our home, eating paper from her school backpack, destroying carpet, unraveling afghans, etc. Total destruction. Items thrown in the trash. She was exerting her control in bad ways. In the world of adoption, the world of raising a child from a hard place:
Control = Fear
Thankfully, the pooping in her underpants stopped in just 1 week with much "potty training revisited" at home; however, that fear she had quickly turned into "naughty" behavior. When I'd pick her up from school she would be uncontrollable, off the wall bonkers, still refusing to connect, speaking baby talk, bouncing around, refusing to sit with me or listen to me. Her teacher would be shocked by her behavior in the office when I'd pick her up. He'd try to help by talking to her, but she wouldn't connect with him or with me. He noticed that she could hold it in long enough in the classroom but once with me and her brothers, with her safe people, she would act out. Temper tantrums at home and rage were a daily event. Even on weekends our girl would just be a terror. What on earth was going on with this child?
Coping. Not connecting.
The problem started right away when school began and continued to get worse the deeper we got into school. We looked for help from the teacher who is an adoptive dad of 7 and knows well the stresses of adopted children, from fellow Adoptive Parents, our new pediatrician, my church adoption group and ETC trained leader, and our social worker whose own older China daughter has been having similar issues as of late. We gave it as long as we possibly could. Everyone agreed it best to get her out of there. Today was her last day of school.
So she's back home. And hopefully soon we will see…
Less coping. More connecting.
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| Last Day of Pre-School 09/26/2014 |
