Referral Day
Gotcha Day
Adoption Day
Homecoming Day
Birthdays (of course)
Holidays (both US and Chinese for us)
Holidays (both US and Chinese for us)
This week begins our 6 month celebration of our Quiet Tiger:
Six months ago today, L was placed in my arms -- Gotcha Day
Six months ago tomorrow, L officially became a member of our family -- Adoption Day
Next week, December 7 marks L's Homecoming Day 6 months ago
During our first 6 months at home, I read and re-read Jen Hatmaker's blog post over and over and over again because I felt like I was going crazy. Her post about the first year of adoption is nothing but 100% T-R-U-T-H. I could identify with each and every step, every phase of adoption that she outlined. But add to the stress of adoption, the stress of our overly dramatic life these past few years and I was an absolute mess after L came home. Reading Jen's blog made me feel sane again, even if just for the 15 minutes it would take me to read it.
For me, this is how it went:
Travel
When I was in China, most days were a whirlwind with places to go, papers to sign, appointments to make. It was hard to take in the fact that this little girl, this Quiet Tiger was even my daughter. Heck, she looked like a boy with that freshly shaved head! Even on our free days it really did feel like I was just babysitting her. It was so surreal that the adoption dream we had was actually happening. But it wasn't happening the way I pictured it. I really disliked China, unfortunately. I didn't like the pollution (I didn't see the sun the entire time) or the over populated crowds of Xi'an or the fear of crime which my guides told me about around my hotel (pick pockets). Thanks to our unemployment reality, L and I lived on ramen noodles in our hotel room and I felt trapped - trapped in China and all alone with a strange child. Guangzhou was much better as I finally got to see the sunshine and some American and European faces, all with beautiful Chinese babies and I enjoyed it there, but still, we just stayed in and didn't go out exploring much or spending any money other than for necessities. I couldn't justify the expenses with no income coming in back home.
Stage 1: Honeymoon - Our first 2 months home
The honeymoon phase wasn't bad once we were home and it lasted quite a nice long while. We had our good days and bad days. Jet lag was a beast and L didn't much care for Jay at all, but she really adjusted pretty quickly, it seemed. You all showered us with gifts of clothes and toys which were so much appreciated because we had so little! L smiled and laughed and learned to love her daddy. She learned to love her big brothers and her pets. Words exploded from her mouth. My mom came to visit and we celebrated L's 2nd birthday, which was probably her first birthday celebration ever. Most of the time I'd look at L and think to myself, "What was your birth-mama thinking?" The good and exciting moments outnumbered the hard moments.
Stage Two - Months 3-5
Enter phase two. Coming home, we brought her home to a mess. Friends at the airport welcomed us home and insisted that Texas really was our new home now. I searched our friend's eyes and just waited for him to say that he hired Jay while I was overseas. I got nothing. I wanted to slap him hard in the face for hugging me and welcoming me "home." I mean, we didn't have our own home, but we had my mother-in-law's condo. We didn't have an income, not even any prospects. We lost our health insurance. L's crib and her toys were in a storage unit in Lincoln, Nebraska. Her new extended family was scattered across the US. Friends who had been praying for her for 3 years never had the chance to meet her as we all had hoped. She came home to a stressed, out of work daddy and a jet lagged mommy who couldn't hold it all together. It was so unfair to her. She deserved better. After the honeymoon phase was over, time and time again, I'd look at her and think, "What have we done? Mommy isn't strong enough to make it through this disaster. How on earth can I raise a daughter through this?" I wanted a way out but none came. If I could have written a letter to my pre-adoption self, I would have said, "STOP! TURN AROUND! GO BACK! Your life is going to fall apart and it will be ugly and it will be no place for a daughter who needs stability AND a mama who can hold it all together."
As the weeks progressed, we dealt with food issues of L gorging and throwing screaming fits over food. I wondered if her antics would ever end. Would I ever be able to cook or prepare a meal without her under foot, or peering around the corner, making sure I was there with something for her to put in her distended belly? I'd cry at how many times I'd say, "Stop obsessing! There is food and mama will feed you when it's ready. Now go play with toys so I can finish cooking." I wondered when we'd hit the day that I wouldn't have to physically pick her up and plop her in front of a basket brimming with toys instead of sitting and staring at me, crying over the food I was making in the kitchen.
We fought mysterious hives for about 2 months, wondering if she had a food allergy and kept her away from all the foods she loved in China - anything containing wheat, thinking that was the cause of the huge itchy hives.
We dealt with RMD (Rhythmic Movement Disorder) in her sleeping as she'd bang her head and legs during the night, waking us up multiple times and often times keeping us from falling back to sleep.
We dealt with jealousy issues over her big brother E. She couldn't stand it when he was close to me or if I was paying him any due one-on-one attention.
We dealt with a little girl who was absolutely defiant at every turn, refusing to listen to us or learn that "no always means no." She spent most of her 3rd month home in a permanent state of timeout. I was at my wits end and I'd have a hard time looking her in the eye and I'd only touch her if it were absolutely necessary. Post Adoption Depression is real and I had it!
Remember my 4 Month blog post saying how well she was doing? In complete honesty, within a couple of days following that post, Miss L decided to regress. She became a child I didn't even know. She cried HUGE tears and threw fits over me leaving the house for 2 minutes to take the trash outside, something she had been used to for months prior. The same behavior ensued when I went upstairs to her room without her in order to put laundry away, but she had always done that and had never learned to get over it. And get this, she even woke up one morning with a huge nasty hive on her leg! While I'm still convinced she's allergic to the pool at the condo, I'm not ruling out stress either. It took her a good few weeks to ease out of the regression and come back to herself, the girl I knew her to be.
I write this to any new adoptive parents out there who may be experiencing all of the above and then some because I am happy to report that we have progress.
At about the 4 month mark, L started to ever so slowly turn a corner with food. She slowly stopped her obsession of watching me like a hawk in the kitchen. She stopped crying screaming if I didn't share food with her. She wouldn't walk around after a full meal like a stray dog looking for scraps on the floor or underneath the padding of her high chair (one of the grossest places ever, by the way). I could see in her eyes that she was still thinking about food, but she didn't act out as much. She was learning to trust that I would always feed her.
We found out the cause of the hives after weeks of trial and error. Turns out it was the chemicals they use in the pool at Grandma's condo. She doesn't seem to react at any other pool than that particular one.
She still bangs her head and kicks her legs in the crib at nap time and bed time. I'm praying she'll stop that one day soon.
Let's face it, she's still 2 years old and she still hates hearing the word "no" from us, but she handles it so much better now at the 6 month mark. She's learned that outlets and cords are dangerous and no longer plays with them. She has learned that the computer and iPad are off limits to her and she doesn't touch them incessantly with the, "What? I didn't know I wasn't supposed to touch these, you've never told me before," lie in her eyes. I still say "no"quite a bit, but it's not over and over again for the same thing after the same thing after the same blessed thing! Hallelujah! And when she hears "no," it's typically not followed by overly dramatic, protruding lip, crocodile tears, pouting, crying and overly loud carrying on. It's a "no" and she's on her way.
I think she's learning that she is not the princess she thinks she is, that she isn't the center of the universe, that we aren't here to be at her beck and call for any little thing her heart fancies. She is learning boundaries and limits and that she is not going to get away with anything. She is learning that we are in control and she is not.
Those first few months were insanely hard and my friends in the adoption community used to say, "Fake it until you make it," or "All you have to do is just show up," and things will get easier over time. Let's be honest, there were days that I couldn't even muster up the energy to fake it and there were days when I didn't even want to show up. Period. I do have to say that for me, it took a solid 6 months to really get beyond the tough stuff, to find the energy and will to push through, to feel a genuine, true, real love building inside my heart for my daughter. We do still have hard days, but for the most part, I do believe we are now entering Stage 3.
I'm happy to have our Quiet Tiger here in our family. I have come to love her. I enjoy her presence here in our home and I'm excited to see all that God has in store for her. I'm thrilled that she is my daughter!
 |
| Our Quiet Tiger then - Gotcha Day May 2012 |
 | ||
1 Month after Gotcha - June 2012
|
 |
| 3 Months after Gotcha - August 2012 |
 | ||||
4 Months after Gotcha - September 2012
|
