Just another house update and major prayer request here.
Our real estate contract recently expired and we were faced with the option to keep the listing the same or to renew it. By renewing the contract, it gets listed as a "new listing" and goes back to "zero days on the market." Having just put in a lot of work to replace some drywall and paint the entire basement and the kids bedrooms and bath, we were advised to renew the contract, have new pictures taken with hopes of getting new buyers into our home. It's just how it works in the Midwest. But we're faced with the knowledge that selling our home now/soon will seriously delay our adoption.
If we sell the house now, before we get our LOA or even a month after we get our LOA, then we will have to delay the adoption, pay thousands to update our home study in California, get new fingerprints, wait for new approvals. All this will delay the adoption anywhere from 6-8 months, maybe even longer.
Yet we need to sell that house and get settled in CA. We need normalcy, routine, space and freedom. Oh, I need some freedom!
We struggled with the decision of what to do with the contract knowing that our decision could really mess up the adoption. We asked people to pray, we listened for God, and made the decision to renew the contract with the hopes that we'll get a buyer. Today we had a house showing and it scared me. I'm at the end of my rope living the way we are and I want that house to sell. But I'm at the end of my adoption rope too, seeing friends sneak ahead of us in their process while ours seems stalled.
I'm making a public plea to everyone out there to pray for the synchronization of the house sale and the adoption. If we could get that paperwork from China in the next few days and if we can get showings and a good, solid, fair offer on our home with a closing that DOES NOT conflict with our adoption are paramount. It's absolutely brutal having 2 major, life altering happenings hanging in the balance.
Can we count on you for prayer?
PS: Don't forget your year end tax deductible giving! Go to our Donate tab at the top of this page and be sure to send any adoption donations to LifeSong for Orphans. More on our Puzzle Progress in a future post. Thanks to those of you who have already given. We are forever grateful to each and every one of you!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Christmas Miracle
Before you get your hopes up, no we didn't get what we wished for this Christmas. We have not received our LOA yet and we still haven't sold our house. Our daughter is still in an orphanage in China and we are still living in limbo. However, something extraordinary happened this Christmas.
True confession? I'm a pastor's wife who really isn't a huge fan of Christmas. Obviously, I love the true meaning of the holiday - the birth of our Savior that changed everything. Everything else about Christmas just gets to me and I struggle every year with keeping myself centered on the awesome true meaning of what we celebrate every December 25.
This year our Christmas was bound to be a tough one. The house and the adoption are one thing, but couple that with a husband in California in his new pastoral role meant a lot of work and having no family even in the same time zone. More than ever, I miss my family during the holidays and I knew loneliness would take over my heart. Walking into our new church on Christmas Eve was bittersweet. It was fun to see the faces of new friends, enjoy some awesome music and it was downright awesome to see our new building packed full of people celebrating Jesus' birth. Yet I was humbled beyond my imagination at how many people approached me after the church service with words of understanding and compassion over our awkward, difficult Christmas this year. Tears were shed as I received hugs and blessings and prayers of many members of our new church family.
The next 18 hours or so were filled with the hustle and bustle that is an American Christmas - the excitement building in our children, the prepping of food, the last minute wrapping of gifts, the organization of gifts under the tree, the preparations for Santa's annual arrival, a couple late night games and another packed Christmas Day service at our new church with equally great music and messages. Later on Christmas day, after Jay had returned from work, after the house was cleaned and food made, we headed out to the home of some friends. What could have honestly been one of our toughest, hardest, sad Christmases ever, turned out to be nothing but a Christmas miracle to me and a clear answer to prayer of so many of our new church family.
Hugs. Smiles. Conversation. Children. Guinea pigs (and pig nail trimming - you all do this on Christmas Day, yes?). Gingerbread houses. Music. Candles. Honeybaked Ham. Chocolate peppermint cake. Games. Fun. And laughter. I mean red faced, tears rolling down your face, hyperventilation, rolling on the floor until your sides ache laughter. Oh, it was a joyous Christmas! Dare I say it was the best Christmas ever? I could say that. Nothing will ever take the place of my family, mom, my stepdad, my brothers and sisters-in-law, my nieces and nephews. But I have a new family in CA and they gave me a Christmas I will never forget and one that will quite honestly and seriously rank among my best Christmases ever.
So thank you to our new LP Church family. Thanks for your prayers for us to not only to get through a tough holiday season away from our loved ones, but also for making it a joyful, memorable holiday. Your prayers were answered. Thanks to those of you who have hosted us on Christmas Eve and invited us into your traditions. Thanks to those of you who showered us with Christmas cards, cookies and gifts for my boys. And thanks to our dear friends who shared December 25 with us. You made it awesome, outstanding, joyous! We love you guys! Thanks for being my Christmas miracle this year! Next year at my house? :)
True confession? I'm a pastor's wife who really isn't a huge fan of Christmas. Obviously, I love the true meaning of the holiday - the birth of our Savior that changed everything. Everything else about Christmas just gets to me and I struggle every year with keeping myself centered on the awesome true meaning of what we celebrate every December 25.
This year our Christmas was bound to be a tough one. The house and the adoption are one thing, but couple that with a husband in California in his new pastoral role meant a lot of work and having no family even in the same time zone. More than ever, I miss my family during the holidays and I knew loneliness would take over my heart. Walking into our new church on Christmas Eve was bittersweet. It was fun to see the faces of new friends, enjoy some awesome music and it was downright awesome to see our new building packed full of people celebrating Jesus' birth. Yet I was humbled beyond my imagination at how many people approached me after the church service with words of understanding and compassion over our awkward, difficult Christmas this year. Tears were shed as I received hugs and blessings and prayers of many members of our new church family.
The next 18 hours or so were filled with the hustle and bustle that is an American Christmas - the excitement building in our children, the prepping of food, the last minute wrapping of gifts, the organization of gifts under the tree, the preparations for Santa's annual arrival, a couple late night games and another packed Christmas Day service at our new church with equally great music and messages. Later on Christmas day, after Jay had returned from work, after the house was cleaned and food made, we headed out to the home of some friends. What could have honestly been one of our toughest, hardest, sad Christmases ever, turned out to be nothing but a Christmas miracle to me and a clear answer to prayer of so many of our new church family.
Hugs. Smiles. Conversation. Children. Guinea pigs (and pig nail trimming - you all do this on Christmas Day, yes?). Gingerbread houses. Music. Candles. Honeybaked Ham. Chocolate peppermint cake. Games. Fun. And laughter. I mean red faced, tears rolling down your face, hyperventilation, rolling on the floor until your sides ache laughter. Oh, it was a joyous Christmas! Dare I say it was the best Christmas ever? I could say that. Nothing will ever take the place of my family, mom, my stepdad, my brothers and sisters-in-law, my nieces and nephews. But I have a new family in CA and they gave me a Christmas I will never forget and one that will quite honestly and seriously rank among my best Christmases ever.
So thank you to our new LP Church family. Thanks for your prayers for us to not only to get through a tough holiday season away from our loved ones, but also for making it a joyful, memorable holiday. Your prayers were answered. Thanks to those of you who have hosted us on Christmas Eve and invited us into your traditions. Thanks to those of you who showered us with Christmas cards, cookies and gifts for my boys. And thanks to our dear friends who shared December 25 with us. You made it awesome, outstanding, joyous! We love you guys! Thanks for being my Christmas miracle this year! Next year at my house? :)
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Christmas Card
Merry Christmas!
Sorry, folks. No Christmas card this year. I remember toying with the idea of eliminating our card last year, realizing that it would save us quite a bit of cash if we didn’t do one. But I love receiving your cards so much that I just decided to bite the bullet and continue the card last year. This year is a bit different. Life is in limbo for us and with an impending trip to China, every dollar saved is a dollar towards our final adoption and travel fees. So, enjoy our Christmas card/letter/blog here and hopefully next year we’ll be able to send out cards again!
2011 in Review
In January we rang in the New Year with my (Brooke’s) mom and stepdad in Barrington, IL. It was somewhat of a last minute trip, so it was fun and exciting. But we came back to Lincoln in full job search mode. Jay began interviewing across the country for his next career opportunity. Thankfully God provided that opportunity during Spring Break. We were flown out to Northern California for a final round of interviews with LifePointe Christian Church. The boys loved staying in the hotel even though the swimming pool was outdoors and too cold for a dip. We left CA with a job offer in hand. Even though it meant moving across the country, farther away from family and friends, it was a solid job offer during tough economic times. We would have been foolish to decline.
We came home and put our house up for sale by owner and enjoyed lots of showings, great feedback but no offers. Jay packed up the Corolla in April and made the long drive out to CA alone while I stayed home with the boys allowing C to finish 2nd grade in Lincoln. Jay settled into his new role as Associate Pastor and I began the task of packing up the house. Sounds like our Christmas letter from 5 years ago when we left IL for NE, doesn't it?
Jay came home every month or so and after school was out for the summer we listed our home with a realtor thinking it might just go quicker if we get more exposure. We had lots of showings and good feedback, but as you know, we still haven’t sold that home. So, we continue to wait. Ugh!
But not all the drama has been bad. After 2 years of trying to adopt internationally, at the end of August we received our referral from China! We were matched with a darling little girl with special needs. What excitement she has brought to our lives! I immediately called a good friend in Minnesota because I couldn’t keep the news to myself. I’ll never forget when she said, “Brooke, maybe this is why your house hasn’t sold. Maybe your daughter is coming first.” Oh, how we see that to be true as we continue to wait on the house. If the house sells, then we risk delaying our daughter by 6-12 months, and we’d have to update all our paperwork in CA resulting in thousands more dollars of adoption costs. As frustrating as it is to live in limbo, we feel God is protecting what little amount we have in our savings account and is bringing our girl home first.
Thank you all for praying for us during yet another trying year. I knew that when we jumped into international adoption that we could be left with nothing at the end. But I think God has been using this time to make us completely dependent upon Him. We continue to trust Him for everything we need and He keeps providing. We’re grateful for His provision but we’re tired of depending on so many people for help these days. We’d like to see an end to this state of limbo. We’d appreciate your prayers for an expedited adoption and a simultaneous sale of our home. We’d really like to move on with our lives in N. California!
C’s Corner
Since the house didn’t sell in the spring, C was able to wrap up 2nd grade in Lincoln and spent a fun summer with the neighborhood kids. With Jay gone, we made summer nights fun and late, often bike riding with neighbors until 10pm! Jay came home for the 4th of July and we enjoyed the holiday by setting off fireworks in the street with the best neighbors we could ever ask for! The kids just loved it! Our street really knows how to party!
C started 3rd grade this fall and oh, what a difference it is! So much homework! So much testing! But he continues to be a great student, adapting well to all of our changes. His favorite subjects at school continue to be recess and lunch, but he’ll tell you seriously that he still loves reading, PE and computer. He has a great teacher this year and we are thankful for her!
C turned 8 in September but kind of missed his birthday with all the family chaos. We celebrated quietly with an extra large decorated cookie from Sam’s Club and a trip with a friend from school to a nearby family fun center with mini golf and arcades. For Halloween the boys were the Blues Brothers, which caught the eye of all the adults. I can’t wait for the boys to be old enough to enjoy the classic movie from our hometown - Sweet home, Chicago!
For C, it will be tearful to leave our neighbors and friends in Lincoln but I know he will adjust quickly.
E’s Edition
This is my last year home with my baby. With finances as tight as they are, we did not enroll him in preschool. Just like his big brother, I’m teaching E what I can at home. He’s so different from C. At this age, C was reading nearly anything you put in front of him. E, on the other hand, can sound out whatever you put in front of him, but the motivation to read on his own isn’t there yet. He’s more the athlete, always active and trying to keep up with the bigger kids. I can’t believe I’ll be registering my baby for kindergarten soon!
Unfortunately, E’s birthday was definitely messed up! He turned 4 only 2 days following my gall bladder surgery in April. I had to cancel his birthday party and throw out the cake that I had carved in the fridge. It had been a brown dog pillow pet cake and all it needed was the icing and décor. Instead, Grammie (my mom) came to the rescue and drove out to care for the boys while I was recovering. She took E to the Dairy Queen where he got to pick out an ice cream cake. He chose Spiderman and it was delicious! Grandma Collins also stopped through on her way from Texas to Wisconsin and brought gifts for the birthday boy. But because everything was so messed up that weekend, his birthday somewhat lasted days on end with gifts and well wishes slowly rolling in. We later celebrated over cupcakes with the neighbors when Jay was home to enjoy it all. So, a seemingly never-ending birthday was fun to have too!
E is so excited to have a baby sister to love. I’m awed that he thinks of her at random points during the day. He’ll just bring her up in conversation like, “Oh mom! That reminds me of my sister!” So sweet!
Adoption Update
Oh, next year our daughter will be home and she’ll have her own section of our Christmas letter! Happiness!
If you’ve followed our blog long enough, you know where we are with the adoption process. As mentioned earlier, we are waiting for our LOA from China, which basically states we are officially approved and she is indeed our daughter in China’s eyes! That little piece of paper should be here any day now (and then I'll be able to post her picture here, so stay tuned)! Once received, we will sign it, send it back to our agency, it takes about 2 months for US Immigration to get the final paperwork and visas, then we get our travel approval, book our flights and we’ll be off! I hear China is beautiful in the Spring! ;)
We’re all anxious for a trip overseas. We hope to be able to take the kids with us, especially since it would be such a learning adventure for C. Even E is at a good age to remember such an amazing trip! But we realize that we might not be able to make that happen financially and will leave the kids with family or friends while we travel. And honestly speaking, it might come down to only one of us traveling. We’ll see how our fundraiser progresses.
Again, thanks to all of you who have been a part of this adoption journey from the very start! Thanks to those of you who have given to our cause! By the world’s standards, we’ve probably been given enough reasons to give up on our adoption dreams. But we believe we’ve been called to this by God who first adopted us into His forever family. And we will see it through to the end and we will not let anyone stand in our way of what He has called us to.
Brooke & Jay
And finally it's down to us. Two weary travelers of this LONG winding road of real estate, relocation, and adoption! We're tired and we just want to be settled in a home of our own in CA. Jay loves his new job. The church is small, in the 300 range in terms of regular attenders. They've been meeting in an elementary school for the last number of years and just this last weekend, they moved into their own building - an old Harley Davidson showroom. It will be prefect for our growing church. We are excited to be a part. It seems we have a knack for moving churches into larger facilities - first Willow Creek expands and doubles it's square footage. Then Lincoln Berean builds a new auditorium. And now LifePointe gets it's first building. It's fun!
Jay continues to battle back problems. We're still holding off surgery, mainly since we're still paying my medical bills from surgery this spring. He's taking it easy, avoiding lifting or strenuous sports that could hurt him further. But soon enough, Jay will have to have that darn disc repaired!
As for me, I'm doing my best to hold it together. Some days are better than others. I'm really excited and ready to make a home for ourselves in CA but just so stressed that it doesn't happen. Living in limbo like this is not fun. But I love that I have my boys and the sweet picture of my girl in China! They really keep me going. I'm thankful for all those who have served our family and who continue to serve us in so many ways. You know who you are, but since this blog is public, I won't mention your names. But we love each and every one of you and we're ready to let all of you off the hook for your service. Thanks for standing by us with understanding and patience!
I hope this Christmas gives you much to celebrate. Even though its been another trying year for us, the birth of our Savior gives us much hope and reason for celebration.
Brooke & Jay
And finally it's down to us. Two weary travelers of this LONG winding road of real estate, relocation, and adoption! We're tired and we just want to be settled in a home of our own in CA. Jay loves his new job. The church is small, in the 300 range in terms of regular attenders. They've been meeting in an elementary school for the last number of years and just this last weekend, they moved into their own building - an old Harley Davidson showroom. It will be prefect for our growing church. We are excited to be a part. It seems we have a knack for moving churches into larger facilities - first Willow Creek expands and doubles it's square footage. Then Lincoln Berean builds a new auditorium. And now LifePointe gets it's first building. It's fun!
Jay continues to battle back problems. We're still holding off surgery, mainly since we're still paying my medical bills from surgery this spring. He's taking it easy, avoiding lifting or strenuous sports that could hurt him further. But soon enough, Jay will have to have that darn disc repaired!
As for me, I'm doing my best to hold it together. Some days are better than others. I'm really excited and ready to make a home for ourselves in CA but just so stressed that it doesn't happen. Living in limbo like this is not fun. But I love that I have my boys and the sweet picture of my girl in China! They really keep me going. I'm thankful for all those who have served our family and who continue to serve us in so many ways. You know who you are, but since this blog is public, I won't mention your names. But we love each and every one of you and we're ready to let all of you off the hook for your service. Thanks for standing by us with understanding and patience!
I hope this Christmas gives you much to celebrate. Even though its been another trying year for us, the birth of our Savior gives us much hope and reason for celebration.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our family to yours!
Brooke, Jay, the boys and 1 girl waiting in China
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Under Construction
No adoption update this time. Just some news about our house. We didn't expect any showings over Thanksgiving, but we've been talking with our realtor who has now suggested some house changes after 2 November showings that resulted with feedback about not liking the basement finish.
We tried to save money by finishing half the basement ourselves, but it does show like an amateur job unfortunately. Seems we didn't put in enough screws and the drywall ceiling has begun sagging more and more as the time goes by. And in NE they do these swirled/stamped textured ceilings and ours doesn't look professional enough. We did everything by the book and acquired permits and passed all inspections. The rest of the house is nice, neat and clean and professional, but when potential buyers see the basement, they are disappointed. Sigh.
Thankfully, one of the friends I've blogged about before is coming to our rescue. As a contractor, he knows what needs to be done, how to do it right, he will respect our home and he will even delay billing us until the house sells so we can pay him out of the profit instead of taking the tiny bit left we have in our savings account. He had a crew tear down the basement ceiling and put in a new one. It should be done this weekend.
Even though this guy is a dear friend of ours and I highly respect him, he's in the business of home construction and has even dabbled in flipping properties. He knows that my personalized paint colors aren't neutral. He has suggested that we paint not only the entire basement (because dismantling the sagging ceiling will certainly knick the cranberry colored walls), but he also suggested painting the entire 2nd floor. The boy's room, the kids bathroom, even our waiting daughter's room will all go back to the original builder beige. Tears. No, more like uncontrollable sobbing.
Buyers today want move-in ready, a turn-key home (I don't know why, but I hate that phrase "turn-key," but I digress). So, with the help of friends, we'll get the entire house painted. And what was first the nursery for my youngest boy, that was later slated for my Nepali daughter and now my Chinese daughter will be no more and I will not be in the home to witness the change. I can't go through that.
So, the last few days I've been utterly and completely exhausted, upset, a sobbing, depressed mess. I haven't desired to get out of bed in the mornings and I keep begging and pleading with God to end this disaster that is our lives currently.
And just when you thought this post was getting long, here comes the second half of the story.
A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about our adoption and she asked me if I had read Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to See. I had not. Our library didn't have it, my friend had lent her copy to another friend from church, and we're not spending money right now with the adoption so close. But I found a used copy on Amazon for only $0.99, and a hardcover at that, with cheap shipping. I ordered it. Well, like I said, that was weeks ago. I had completely forgotten about the order, in all honesty. Then I walked out to the mailbox the other day and there is was. "Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that."
I had known the story of the Chapman's, their adoptions and the tragic loss of one of their daughters. And when I ordered the book, I was just hoping to learn about their adoption stories more than anything. But in our current time of trail, I was now hoping the book might help me cope with the mess we're in. After all, if the Chapman's can get through such an unthinkable, horrifying pain that no one should ever have to go through, I should be able to get through my measly problems!
Her book spoke to me in so many ways! In fact, I could have written the first quarter of the book myself, except for the marrying a future award winning singer and songwriter part! Seriously though, she shared a similar upbringing with a mom who was home and kept a beautiful house, 2 older brothers at similar age gaps to mine, she struggled with her body image (what teenage girl doesn't?), she had c-sections with her kids, and she even had a 3:00 a.m. gall bladder attack when her husband was out of town. Hello! Weird!
But the last part of the book, where she recalls the story of saying good bye to her daughter really met me where I am. Although her grief is magnified 100 times more than what I'm going through because she lost a child, she didn't belittle me in my pain. Pain is pain. Grief is grief. I'm hurting and I feel alone. I'm sad and I cry. I cry a lot! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And although she doesn't know each one of her readers personally, she apologized and empathized with any of her readers who are walking through a painful season. It was heartfelt and I appreciated those words.
When it was announced that we needed to change the colors of our home to make things more neutral, that was the last straw. I broke. Sobbing. My boys room. My daughters room. Although we are still adopting in the midst of our move across the country and I knew this would not be the home my daughter would even know, it was still heart shattering. I had put such love, thought, time, energy and care into painting those walls. To think of it all going away was crushing after everything that has happened so far. Add to that the holiday season and the approaching Christmas that won't even resemble Christmas for us this year (to be saved for a later blog post), it's just been ugly. So this week I've felt sad, alone, hopeless. I'm tired of asking God to reveal Himself to me, to save me from this mess. I can't find the right words to pray. I'm tired of crying.
But Mary Beth wrote about choosing a burial plot in the cemetery for her daughter. Ugh, I hate writing those words. [And I'm complaining about what when others are saying good bye to their children until eternity? Get over yourself, Brooke!] She writes about finding a lady bug, a favorite of her daughter's, on the site that was to be the final earthly resting place for her baby girl. She later wrote about a family member who would give everyone a Sharpie tattoo of 3 ladybugs (for each adopted daughter), a symbol of remembrance of a beautiful sweet girl who would be so greatly missed on this earth.
So, I was driving across town today back to the house and I found a ladybug crawling inside my driver's side window. A ladybug. In December. It was again one of those quiet moments in the car when my 4 year old was strangely silent and my oldest was at school. So in the quiet of the car, I'm driving west and I'm seeing this ladybug crawl along the window, zigzagging back and forth across the glass.
Like Mary Beth would say, you can call that a coincidence, call it what you want, but I call that a little gift from God today. He showed me through a tiny little ladybug that He is here with me, He knows my troubles, He is in control when it doesn't feel to me like He is, He is working all things together for good in my life.
No, that doesn't solve anything. It doesn't solve the fact that my husband's new job has him on the West Coast while we still haven't sold our house here in NE and we're living out of boxes and suitcases. It doesn't make the hits to our bank account this year seem like a cake walk. It doesn't bring my waiting daughter in China home any quicker (still no LOA yet). But it does help me SEE that He is still out there, no, He's actually here with me in this constant daily struggle. He will get me through this winter season of life and He will bring about new growth in the Spring.
Tomorrow may be a good day, it may be a bad day. It's all a part of the journey. Tonight I still hurt for our own chaos. I hurt for the Chapman's who lost a piece of their hearts. But I am thankful for their story and I'm amazed that our creative Creator would use their story to speak to me. Tonight I thank God for the ladybug.
We tried to save money by finishing half the basement ourselves, but it does show like an amateur job unfortunately. Seems we didn't put in enough screws and the drywall ceiling has begun sagging more and more as the time goes by. And in NE they do these swirled/stamped textured ceilings and ours doesn't look professional enough. We did everything by the book and acquired permits and passed all inspections. The rest of the house is nice, neat and clean and professional, but when potential buyers see the basement, they are disappointed. Sigh.
Thankfully, one of the friends I've blogged about before is coming to our rescue. As a contractor, he knows what needs to be done, how to do it right, he will respect our home and he will even delay billing us until the house sells so we can pay him out of the profit instead of taking the tiny bit left we have in our savings account. He had a crew tear down the basement ceiling and put in a new one. It should be done this weekend.
Even though this guy is a dear friend of ours and I highly respect him, he's in the business of home construction and has even dabbled in flipping properties. He knows that my personalized paint colors aren't neutral. He has suggested that we paint not only the entire basement (because dismantling the sagging ceiling will certainly knick the cranberry colored walls), but he also suggested painting the entire 2nd floor. The boy's room, the kids bathroom, even our waiting daughter's room will all go back to the original builder beige. Tears. No, more like uncontrollable sobbing.
Buyers today want move-in ready, a turn-key home (I don't know why, but I hate that phrase "turn-key," but I digress). So, with the help of friends, we'll get the entire house painted. And what was first the nursery for my youngest boy, that was later slated for my Nepali daughter and now my Chinese daughter will be no more and I will not be in the home to witness the change. I can't go through that.
So, the last few days I've been utterly and completely exhausted, upset, a sobbing, depressed mess. I haven't desired to get out of bed in the mornings and I keep begging and pleading with God to end this disaster that is our lives currently.
And just when you thought this post was getting long, here comes the second half of the story.
A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about our adoption and she asked me if I had read Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to See. I had not. Our library didn't have it, my friend had lent her copy to another friend from church, and we're not spending money right now with the adoption so close. But I found a used copy on Amazon for only $0.99, and a hardcover at that, with cheap shipping. I ordered it. Well, like I said, that was weeks ago. I had completely forgotten about the order, in all honesty. Then I walked out to the mailbox the other day and there is was. "Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that."
I had known the story of the Chapman's, their adoptions and the tragic loss of one of their daughters. And when I ordered the book, I was just hoping to learn about their adoption stories more than anything. But in our current time of trail, I was now hoping the book might help me cope with the mess we're in. After all, if the Chapman's can get through such an unthinkable, horrifying pain that no one should ever have to go through, I should be able to get through my measly problems!
Her book spoke to me in so many ways! In fact, I could have written the first quarter of the book myself, except for the marrying a future award winning singer and songwriter part! Seriously though, she shared a similar upbringing with a mom who was home and kept a beautiful house, 2 older brothers at similar age gaps to mine, she struggled with her body image (what teenage girl doesn't?), she had c-sections with her kids, and she even had a 3:00 a.m. gall bladder attack when her husband was out of town. Hello! Weird!
But the last part of the book, where she recalls the story of saying good bye to her daughter really met me where I am. Although her grief is magnified 100 times more than what I'm going through because she lost a child, she didn't belittle me in my pain. Pain is pain. Grief is grief. I'm hurting and I feel alone. I'm sad and I cry. I cry a lot! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And although she doesn't know each one of her readers personally, she apologized and empathized with any of her readers who are walking through a painful season. It was heartfelt and I appreciated those words.
When it was announced that we needed to change the colors of our home to make things more neutral, that was the last straw. I broke. Sobbing. My boys room. My daughters room. Although we are still adopting in the midst of our move across the country and I knew this would not be the home my daughter would even know, it was still heart shattering. I had put such love, thought, time, energy and care into painting those walls. To think of it all going away was crushing after everything that has happened so far. Add to that the holiday season and the approaching Christmas that won't even resemble Christmas for us this year (to be saved for a later blog post), it's just been ugly. So this week I've felt sad, alone, hopeless. I'm tired of asking God to reveal Himself to me, to save me from this mess. I can't find the right words to pray. I'm tired of crying.
But Mary Beth wrote about choosing a burial plot in the cemetery for her daughter. Ugh, I hate writing those words. [And I'm complaining about what when others are saying good bye to their children until eternity? Get over yourself, Brooke!] She writes about finding a lady bug, a favorite of her daughter's, on the site that was to be the final earthly resting place for her baby girl. She later wrote about a family member who would give everyone a Sharpie tattoo of 3 ladybugs (for each adopted daughter), a symbol of remembrance of a beautiful sweet girl who would be so greatly missed on this earth.
So, I was driving across town today back to the house and I found a ladybug crawling inside my driver's side window. A ladybug. In December. It was again one of those quiet moments in the car when my 4 year old was strangely silent and my oldest was at school. So in the quiet of the car, I'm driving west and I'm seeing this ladybug crawl along the window, zigzagging back and forth across the glass.
Like Mary Beth would say, you can call that a coincidence, call it what you want, but I call that a little gift from God today. He showed me through a tiny little ladybug that He is here with me, He knows my troubles, He is in control when it doesn't feel to me like He is, He is working all things together for good in my life.
No, that doesn't solve anything. It doesn't solve the fact that my husband's new job has him on the West Coast while we still haven't sold our house here in NE and we're living out of boxes and suitcases. It doesn't make the hits to our bank account this year seem like a cake walk. It doesn't bring my waiting daughter in China home any quicker (still no LOA yet). But it does help me SEE that He is still out there, no, He's actually here with me in this constant daily struggle. He will get me through this winter season of life and He will bring about new growth in the Spring.
Tomorrow may be a good day, it may be a bad day. It's all a part of the journey. Tonight I still hurt for our own chaos. I hurt for the Chapman's who lost a piece of their hearts. But I am thankful for their story and I'm amazed that our creative Creator would use their story to speak to me. Tonight I thank God for the ladybug.
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