My Fixer Upper - Deck 3.0

Ahhhhhh.  I have wanted this and worked for this for seemingly so long!  

My deck is finally refinished.

Here's what it looked like when we bought the house 4 years ago.
It has the Previous Owner's items out there.

Mr. Previous Owner did have it freshly stained for showings.  

It looked great.  But after a year, it all peeled.

Then in the Summer of 2017

my incredible mom refinished the deck 

while we were on a TAP trip.
Check out how cute Deck version 2.0 looked....

It looked so fresh and clean!  I loved it!  

But sadly, after 1 season, it too peeled.
Horribly!

Then we had to decide if it was time to just replace the deck boards 

with composite decking that would be maintenance-free.  

My thought was, if I can manage a full refinish, 

maybe I can save us the expense of all new boards.

It took me over a month thanks to a cooler and longer than normal Minnesota spring
to use a chemical stripper (temps needed to be above 65F for it to work).

After stripping, I power washed the deck and repainted the rails.  The rails were fine after my mom's paint job, but when I power washed, some paint flaked off, so it needed a full re-paint.

After power washing, I took the belt sander to the floor and 

tried to see if there was still some good wood underneath. 
If the wood is still young enough, it should, ideally, soak up the new stain and
should last for years!

 After weeks and weeks, battling cool temps and spring rains, 

plus many hours of drying time per coat of stain.....

ITS DONE!!!!!

Today Ethan and I moved furniture back in place.  

It needs flowers, but it may be too late to really enjoy that.  We'll see.

But Deck version 3.0 is ready to enjoy!

Now onto more projects in this 25 year old house!

(Coming soon in a week or 2 ... An upstairs bathroom update)

RAD Mother's Day

Need I even mention how awful this holiday is?

The schools start prepping the kids early.  "Kids, we're going to make fun gifts for your moms for Mother's Day!" 

Son of a #$%$@^#$^#%$@!

For at least a couple of weeks now, my RAD daughter has been a giant dill weed.  I have found socks with holes the size of Montana (and not on the bottom as if the sock wore out, but on the neck of the sock up by the ankles where she pulls out individual threads).  Hand washing has become a game of "let's leave the water running and see how long it is until someone notices."  I've found water trickling hours after I know the child last used the bathroom.

We have removed all sock privileges.  And believe me, I hate it!  Her feet STINK in her shoes without socks.  I'll be burning her shoes after this school year ends and forcing her to wear Crocs the rest of her live long life.

And hand washing now requires an adult by her side.  Which means, if mom is busy cooking dinner, she has to sit and wait until I am free to go turn on the water for her, or give her a pump of hand sanitizer (also to be manipulated by an adult lest she waste a half a bottle of gel because she likes the smell, the feel, the play factor).  Kill me now!

I hate this holiday!  Specifically, I hate this holiday with a RAD child.  She doesn't want to celebrate me.  She wants to hate me.  She wants to ruin my life. 

All I want is to run away on Mother's Day.  Fly me off somewhere, put me up for a couple of nights in a hotel, and let me order pizza and hot fudge sundaes, watch movies and sleep as long as I want, not having to wait on anyone, not to have a moment of hyper-vigilance over what the RAD child is up to now.  A nice long weekend of freedom for the RAD mom.  That's what I need!

Too much to ask?

RAD Holiday

Its no news that RAD kids like to destroy everything in their path.  They will try to ruin your holiday too.

This Easter, while doing our annual egg hunt on Easter morning, my daughter started in with the hurtful words. 

She was hunting eggs and said, 

"The Easter Bunny isn't very tricky."  

She didn't like my hiding places for the coveted eggs.  

But what she said next really hurt. 

She found her basket.  

"We usually get toys or something fun in our baskets."  

She was complaining her basket was filled with merely Easter candy.

Words hurt.

Don't tell me, "Oh, it's not her, it's really the RAD talking." 

Don't tell me, "She can't make you feel anything."

Words hurt.

Words of affirmation -- that's one of my love languages.  And I think the problem with having that as your love language means that the exact opposite, words of hurt, destroy all the more.

I love holidays.  I put a lot of work into them to make them special for my family.  And in 1 fell swoop, my RAD child can knock the wind out of me and ruin my holiday with 1 simple statement.

Why do I even bleeping bother?

RAD Sickness

We are at the tail end of Influenza A in our household.

As surprising as this sounds, for 6 years now, we've had 1 bout of stomach flu and minor coughs and colds from our daughter.  Nothing major like last week!  We like to call it Orphanage Immunity.  And friends, it was eye opening for this RAD mom.

I received a call from the school on a Wednesday saying Quiet Tiger had a fever and I had to go pick her up.  I was on my way to a client's house to let their dog out and couldn't reschedule, so she had to wait for me in the nurse's office for about 40 minutes.  The fever was 102 and we immediately went home for the Tylenol.

Day two and the fever spiked to 104 and QT said she had a sore throat.  I immediately thought: strep!

Day three and the fever was down to 101 and falling, so I didn't take her in.  She was feeling better.

Day four and she was fever free!  I thought our return to school would be right around the corner.

But day 5 and the fever was back up to 102, so I took her into the clinic where she tested positive for Flu A.  There was nothing to do but ride out the virus.  Yet I did get that all important note from the doctor so the school wouldn't get on my case about her missing so much school.

The fever yo yo-ed back and forth over the next week.  Sore throat, congestion and a nasty cough were also in the mix.  She was miserable and I don't blame her one bit!

Here's where the RAD really played in.  She got mad at me with every medication I gave her.  I get it.  They don't taste good.  And she felt horrible, so I just dealt with her anger.  Then at the clinic, she glared at me over the swab tests for the flu and strep.  Those aren't fun either and she'd never experienced anything like that before.  I just told her she was safe and that I trusted the doctor to know what she was doing.

Where I had the biggest issue by far was at night when I tried to put her in a hot, steamy bath to help alleviate the cough and congestion for just a little while before bed.  She normally loves the bath.  But this time she screamed bloody murder at me.  Rage!  Pure rage!  She insisted the water was too hot, despite me testing it repeatedly.  She refused to hold a hot, steamy washcloth up to her face and breathe through it.  Absolute refusal.  She never did sit in the tub.  She did the Asian squat.  And she only used the washcloth for about 2 minutes.  After that the raging stopped too and the bath did help her breathe, but what a mess is caused.

When a lot of us feel lousy, we want mom.  Moms make everything better.

Not for a RAD kid.  I saw nothing but 200% distrust in me that night.

I tell you, it makes a RAD mom feel empty, unable to offer any comfort to my child.

I'm just glad she's past the fever and now just trying to beat the cough and congestion.

RAD Travel

We just got back from a week long stay in St. Lucia.  My husband earned the trip through work and we made it a family vacation, taking all 3 kids and my mom and step-dad as well.

Now, before you start thinking that I'm whining or complaining about spending a week on a tropical island in the middle of the Caribbean in February, that's not it.  Not at all.  We had a good time and it was a blessing.  I know full well that my prayer warriors were storming Heaven's Gates with cries out to God on our behalf.  Our week away could have been so much worse, and I only attribute our lack of disaster to those very prayers that were heard by our very gracious God.

But traveling with a RAD child isn't for the faint of heart.  And that's what this post is all about.

Air Travel
UGH!  My girl could not sit and do just one thing on the airplane.  I packed 3 things to keep her occupied.  Not too many to overwhelm her, just enough to do something for a while, then switch after a while.  Nope.  I should have taken video, friends.  My daughter may have sat still in her plane seat, but gosh, she couldn't concentrate on 1 thing for more than 10 minutes.  Watching her was exhausting.  She'd take out her dot-to-dot book, work on it for 5 minutes, then put it away.  After that it was onto the in-flight games that come free on the screen on the back of the seat in front of her.  Even that didn't hold her attention for longer than 10 minutes.  She loves to read, yet she couldn't sit and read the Beverly Cleary book I packed for her.  Even a movie on the screen didn't entertain her.  She played and fidgeted with the screen, bouncing back and forth between movies, TV shows and music.  Even when told to pick one thing and leave it, she couldn't. 

I think I need to have her tested for ADD.  Seriously.

Fun Times = Scary Times
Don't mistake my girl's seemingly fun time as just that.  In fact, having that kind of fun overwhelms her.  It scares her and she takes control into her own hands.  On the first night there she pooped in her pants and told no one.  I didn't even know it until the next morning when I found the poop covered underpants hidden in her suitcase filled with clean clothes.  I wanted to catch the next plane out of there and go to my OWN tropical island and leave my family behind.  I didn't tell anyone what she did, not even my husband.  I couldn't let his earned trip be ruined.  So, I dealt with it solo and tried to mask my frustration and anger with fake smiles.  But less than 24 hours there and I was done.

On day 3 we had a company dinner.  Again, my daughter was having fun with new friends she made on the trip, but that fun spiraled out of control.  As she was running around, I noticed that the back of her skorts was wet.  She didn't sit in anything.  She wet her pants.  Again, the feeling of having fun with friends made her feel out of control, so she took control into her own hands and wet herself.  Had I not noticed, she would have gone on playing in wet pants all night.  But instead, I grabbed her by her wrist and dragged her back to our room where I made her get in the tub and wash her clothes and herself.  At home, she would have raged at me for making her clean her clothes.  At the resort, she just did it with only a little whining.

On the last night's celebration dinner, again, after a firm reminder that there were bathrooms right near the restaurant and wetting and pooping herself were not acceptable, I found her pants rather damp.  She had started to wet herself again, but she did stop.  So, that was progress.  A step in the right direction.  I guess.  But what mom has to remind her 8 year old child to stop wetting and pooping herself?  A RAD mom, that's who.

The Aftermath
But re-entry has been pretty ugly.  At school early this week, oh did she pull a few numbers!  I received a call from the school on Tuesday that my daughter didn't have a lunch.  They asked me if they should feed her from the cafeteria line.  Um, no, that account had been long since closed because of food-related issues.  Turns out, the girl ate her ENTIRE LUNCH on the bus immediately after eating a FULL BREAKFAST at home just minutes before getting on said bus.  She had to have been stuffed to the gills!  When she came home, she absolutely refused to fess up and tell me what happened.

In the midst of dealing with that, I received an email from the teacher asking me what she wants me to tell QT's classmates about her changing schools in two weeks.  EXCUSE ME????  This was a new one.  Seems the girl had told all her friends that in 2 weeks she is switching schools.  Not a chance.  I assured the teacher, who had fully believed the lies, that we have no intention of pulling her from the school whatsoever.  She, in turn, had to go ease the minds of QT's friends who were sad to hear that she'd be leaving.  Good gosh.

At home, I've had a raging, maniacally laughing, out of control child.

This will be her last trip for quite some time!

Merry Christmas 2018

Our highlights and a few low-lights (because life happens) from the year:

January
We rang in 2018 with an old friend of Jay's who had moved to Minnesota with his family.

February
We celebrated Chinese New Year and welcomed the Year of the Dog.  Sure is fitting in our house with 3 doggos!

March
March was a nice quiet month. Perhaps God knew the rest of our year would only get us busier and busier!  The biggest [pun intended] thing that happened was taking down 2 dead trees in our back woods.  There are many more that need to come down in years to come!

April
We wrapped up our 6th year of homeschool for the boys.  Super C finished his freshman year of high school and Super E said good bye to elementary school.  At the end of the month Super E turned 11 years old!  We celebrated quietly at home with a dinner of appetizers and snack food and a cookies and cream cake that the birthday boy helped to make.

May
Jay and I got away for a week of relaxation in Riviera Maya, Mexico!  We highly recommend Sandos Caracol Eco Resort for your next affordable all-inclusive vacation!  It's a great place for families too!  When we came home it was the 6th Gotcha Day anniversary for Quiet Tiger.  We didn't celebrate too much since it tends to be more of a trigger for bad behavior.

June
Quiet Tiger finished 1st grade at the local elementary school.  It would be the last time we set foot in that building.  Later that month, Jay went through some health issues that landed him in the hospital for 3 days with surgery (2 abscesses) and new diagnosis (Type 2 Diabetes).  We were grateful for the care and prayer we received at Mercy Hospital in Coon Rapids.  Sadly, because of recovery, we missed Jay's Summer Regional event for work.  We stayed home, recuperated and went to doctor's offices every 2 days for post operative care.  It was exhausting for all of us!

July
We spent the 4th of July at Jay's mom's cabin in Hayward, Wisconsin.  Later that month, we went to Chicago for a week to visit my mom and a handful of friends.  The boys both got sick on the trip and they missed out on their highlight of spending a day at Six Flags with friends.  During that week Quiet Tiger turned 8 years old and we celebrated with Grammie & Rand.

August
We enjoyed a fun barbecue with Edward Jones friends one afternoon where we had fun trap shooting once again.  On the 18th, Jay and I celebrated 17 years of marriage.  At the end of the month, the boys and I began a new small business of dog sitting through Rover.com.  Very quickly, we found ourselves with 2 regular clients that needed help with their new puppies a couple days per week.  At the end of the month, we attended an open house event at Quiet Tiger's new school, a charter school in a neighboring town.  The girl was not happy that she would be going to a new school, but we have hopes that this will be a better fit for her needs.

September
September was a whirlwind month!  It started with the beginning of the school year.  Super C began 10th grade (homeschool), Super E began 6th grade (homeschool) and Quiet Tiger began 2nd grade at the local charter school. Youth group activities began for both boys and the amount of driving mom does to and from church increased greatly!  Mid-month, Jay had a second surgery of exploratory nature, this one thankfully just out-patient.  Super C turned 15 and celebrated with his friends at an overnighter at our house, his favorite activity.  And just 1 week after his birthday, Super C's braces came off!  We were all thrilled for him and we love his new smile!

October
We attended our beloved Cranberry Festival in Stone Lake, WI again this year.  Fresh berries, kettle corn and turkey legs are always a highlight!  At the end of the month, Jay turned 46 and I turned 44 and we celebrated at Portillo's for a heavenly taste of Chicagoland.  For Halloween, we had fun with friends up the street.  Super C reused his werewolf costume from last year, Super E was Master Chief from Halo and Quiet Tiger was a unicorn.

November
The boys and I managed to balance school work with daily dog sitting duties.  We have 4 regular clients nearly every weekday and that's about all we can manage during the school year.  Super C attended his first youth group weekend retreat and had a blast.  Miss Quiet Tiger got new glasses this year with some dollars we had left in our HSA to use.  Sadly, she hasn't worn them to school yet thanks to some behaviors we are dealing with at home.  Thanksgiving was spent at home with Brooke's brother Todd, niece Emme and the family of Jay's work associate new to Minnesota.  We had much to be thankful for, particularly for the hard work Jay had done to lower his A1C to normal levels, basically sending his new Type 2 Diabetes into remission.  Jay did a lot of traveling in November too.  He spent 2 days in Indiana with a product partner and then a whole week at the Edward Jones Home Office in St. Louis as part of a team managing the Client Solutions Desk.  While he was gone, I painted the laundry room and enjoyed a week off of homeschool with the boys.

December
Once again, I coordinated the Edward Jones Region 303 Christmas party for all the local offices.  Following that successful event, Jay had another (and hopefully final) out-patient surgery and weekend recovery.  No time to spare during the holidays, we dove right into Jay's office's Holiday Open House.  It was another wonderful evening.  Mid-month, we celebrated with Jay's BOA (Branch Office Administrator) and her husband with a night out to celebrate Jay reaching Level 6, and his first partnership offering with Edward Jones!  We appreciate Amy's hard work to support Jay and and to run that office as smoothly as she does, especially as Jay had been out so much with health issues!  Incredible job!  And I am immensely proud of my husband for building the business and providing for our family!  Surprisingly, Super E found himself picking out a pair of glasses just this week.  The big reveal will come in January.  Christmas will find us enjoying a quiet holiday at home and thinking of the adventures that await us in 2019.

We wish you a blessed Christmas!  This season may all of us draw closer to our Savior!

Confessions of a RAD Mom

I read a ton about Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Most nights, after dinner, I'm on my laptop while "watching" a TV show with my husband, reading some article, blog, social media page, or book about RAD.  Many nights I chat with others living this same nightmare.  I live with RAD daily and I have yet to find some therapy, some parenting technique, some help in any way shape or form, so I'm constantly searching for something, anything to help.

From some of my latest reading, I tried something kind of new this school year week.  In the past, when separated from my daughter in a new place to her, I've let her wear something of mine.  It's always been something cheap like a bracelet or something that I can wrap around her skinny wrists.  Giving her something of mine "keeps me alive" in her brain while she's separated from me.  If she gets anxious or scared, she can remember me with the help of the thing of mine that she's wearing.  I've done it at Edward Jones meetings during our Summer Regional conferences when she goes off to childcare during our meetings or awards ceremony.

This school year week I tried giving Miss Quiet Tiger a necklace to wear at school.  My mom had given me this cute silver mother/daughter charm on a black leather cord.  I've had it so long, I have no idea when she gave it to me.  It's nothing expensive at all and I knew the big risk I was taking in letting my RAD daughter wear it for 8 hours a day when she's away from me at school.

Oh, was she EXCITED to wear it!  She loved it and it seemed to make her so happy!  The second day of school she asked for it (we take it off at night).  The third day of school she asked for it.  She showed it off to all her friends and the kids she met at the bus stop.  But that's all it lasted -- three days.

Today on day 3 of school, she came home wearing it but very quickly broke it forcefully while having her after school snack while I was wrapping up 5 minutes of homeschool reading for Super E.  She came to me when I was done reading and showed it to me.  Of course, she said it just "fell off her neck."  I could easily see where the break was and that the metal on the clasp was forcefully pulled.  Furthermore, she tied knots in the black leather cord in 2 locations.

This means one thing...

As excited as she was about having something to wear that was mom's, she fought the attachment it created.  She broke it because she doesn't want to attach to me.

Friends, I am so more than done.  This wasn't an expensive heirloom that she broke.  It was a cute, super casual necklace and I knew the risk of it breaking, getting lost or being destroyed.  I'm not lamenting the broken necklace (I think I can even fix it).  But knowing that she doesn't want to attach, she cannot attach, that she wants to destroy attachment and push me away has broken me.

This is a battle I will not win.  I'm convinced.  This mama is so done trying.