Under Construction

No adoption update this time.  Just some news about our house.  We didn't expect any showings over Thanksgiving, but we've been talking with our realtor who has now suggested some house changes after 2 November showings that resulted with feedback about not liking the basement finish.

We tried to save money by finishing half the basement ourselves, but it does show like an amateur job unfortunately.  Seems we didn't put in enough screws and the drywall ceiling has begun sagging more and more as the time goes by.  And in NE they do these swirled/stamped textured ceilings and ours doesn't look professional enough.  We did everything by the book and acquired permits and passed all inspections.  The rest of the house is nice, neat and clean and professional, but when potential buyers see the basement, they are disappointed.  Sigh.

Thankfully, one of the friends I've blogged about before is coming to our rescue.  As a contractor, he knows what needs to be done, how to do it right, he will respect our home and he will even delay billing us until the house sells so we can pay him out of the profit instead of taking the tiny bit left we have in our savings account.  He had a crew tear down the basement ceiling and put in a new one.  It should be done this weekend.

Even though this guy is a dear friend of ours and I highly respect him, he's in the business of home construction and has even dabbled in flipping properties.  He knows that my personalized paint colors aren't neutral.  He has suggested that we paint not only the entire basement (because dismantling the sagging ceiling will certainly knick the cranberry colored walls), but he also suggested painting the entire 2nd floor.  The boy's room, the kids bathroom, even our waiting daughter's room will all go back to the original builder beige.  Tears.  No, more like uncontrollable sobbing.

Buyers today want move-in ready, a turn-key home (I don't know why, but I hate that phrase "turn-key," but I digress).  So, with the help of friends, we'll get the entire house painted.  And what was first the nursery for my youngest boy, that was later slated for my Nepali daughter and now my Chinese daughter will be no more and I will not be in the home to witness the change.  I can't go through that.

So, the last few days I've been utterly and completely exhausted, upset, a sobbing, depressed mess.  I haven't desired to get out of bed in the mornings and I keep begging and pleading with God to end this disaster that is our lives currently.

And just when you thought this post was getting long, here comes the second half of the story.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about our adoption and she asked me if I had read Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to See.  I had not.  Our library didn't have it, my friend had lent her copy to another friend from church, and we're not spending money right now with the adoption so close.  But I found a used copy on Amazon for only $0.99, and a hardcover at that, with cheap shipping.  I ordered it.  Well, like I said, that was weeks ago.  I had completely forgotten about the order, in all honesty.  Then I walked out to the mailbox the other day and there is was.  "Oh yeah, I had forgotten about that."

I had known the story of the Chapman's, their adoptions and the tragic loss of one of their daughters.  And when I ordered the book, I was just hoping to learn about their adoption stories more than anything.  But in our current time of trail, I was now hoping the book might help me cope with the mess we're in.  After all, if the Chapman's can get through such an unthinkable, horrifying pain that no one should ever have to go through, I should be able to get through my measly problems!

Her book spoke to me in so many ways!  In fact, I could have written the first quarter of the book myself, except for the marrying a future award winning singer and songwriter part!  Seriously though, she shared a similar upbringing with a mom who was home and kept a beautiful house, 2 older brothers at similar age gaps to mine, she struggled with her body image (what teenage girl doesn't?), she had c-sections with her kids, and she even had a 3:00 a.m. gall bladder attack when her husband was out of town.  Hello!  Weird!

But the last part of the book, where she recalls the story of saying good bye to her daughter really met me where I am.  Although her grief is magnified 100 times more than what I'm going through because she lost a child, she didn't belittle me in my pain.  Pain is pain.  Grief is grief.  I'm hurting and I feel alone.  I'm sad and I cry.  I cry a lot!  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  And although she doesn't know each one of her readers personally, she apologized and empathized with any of her readers who are walking through a painful season.  It was heartfelt and I appreciated those words.

When it was announced that we needed to change the colors of our home to make things more neutral, that was the last straw.  I broke.  Sobbing.  My boys room.  My daughters room.  Although we are still adopting in the midst of our move across the country and I knew this would not be the home my daughter would even know, it was still heart shattering.  I had put such love, thought, time, energy and care into painting those walls.  To think of it all going away was crushing after everything that has happened so far.  Add to that the holiday season and the approaching Christmas that won't even resemble Christmas for us this year (to be saved for a later blog post), it's just been ugly.  So this week I've felt sad, alone, hopeless.  I'm tired of asking God to reveal Himself to me, to save me from this mess.  I can't find the right words to pray.  I'm tired of crying.

But Mary Beth wrote about choosing a burial plot in the cemetery for her daughter.  Ugh, I hate writing those words.  [And I'm complaining about what when others are saying good bye to their children until eternity?  Get over yourself, Brooke!]  She writes about finding a lady bug, a favorite of her daughter's, on the site that was to be the final earthly resting place for her baby girl.  She later wrote about a family member who would give everyone a Sharpie tattoo of 3 ladybugs (for each adopted daughter), a symbol of remembrance of a beautiful sweet girl who would be so greatly missed on this earth.

So, I was driving across town today back to the house and I found a ladybug crawling inside my driver's side window.  A ladybug.  In December.  It was again one of those quiet moments in the car when my 4 year old was strangely silent and my oldest was at school.  So in the quiet of the car, I'm driving west and I'm seeing this ladybug crawl along the window, zigzagging back and forth across the glass.

Like Mary Beth would say, you can call that a coincidence, call it what you want, but I call that a little gift from God today.  He showed me through a tiny little ladybug that He is here with me, He knows my troubles, He is in control when it doesn't feel to me like He is, He is working all things together for good in my life.

No, that doesn't solve anything.  It doesn't solve the fact that my husband's new job has him on the West Coast while we still haven't sold our house here in NE and we're living out of boxes and suitcases.  It doesn't make the hits to our bank account this year seem like a cake walk.  It doesn't bring my waiting daughter in China home any quicker (still no LOA yet).  But it does help me SEE that He is still out there, no, He's actually here with me in this constant daily struggle.  He will get me through this winter season of life and He will bring about new growth in the Spring.

Tomorrow may be a good day, it may be a bad day.  It's all a part of the journey.  Tonight I still hurt for our own chaos.  I hurt for the Chapman's who lost a piece of their hearts.  But I am thankful for their story and I'm amazed that our creative Creator would use their story to speak to me.  Tonight I thank God for the ladybug.

Be a Piece of the Puzzle

International adoption is a trek across treacherous terrain with rocky and slippery ground, poor visibility, storms that leave destruction in their wake.

For us, the highest heights were being accepted into 2 country programs - first Nepal and then China, reading the email that our dossier had been sent to Nepal in the summer of 2010 and then to China in the summer of 2011, the phone call that announced our waiting daughter, the pictures that followed and seeing her sweet face for the first time!

But with the highs, we fell to deep lows that sweep many adoption dreams into an endless crevasse, to be lost forever.  We lost Nepal when the US government shut down the program on August 6, 2010.  With that, we lost $9000 that we had invested.  We changed careers and have been attempting to change locales and are still awaiting a buyer for our home.  We faced emergency surgery while our family was apart.  We lost a car in a car wreck on the West Coast.  What a mess!

But through it all we have been clinging to the knowledge that God will complete what He has called us to.      So many of you who have offered your prayers, thoughts and good wishes for our waiting daughter in China are forever a part of her story.  You are a puzzle piece of her journey to our family.

We want to commemorate all of you in a way that our daughter will know just how many friends it took to bring her home.  I have created a large 768 piece jigsaw puzzle of a colorful map of China and we are looking to you to sponsor one, or as many pieces as you can, to help raise our travel fees.  We will write your names on the back of your sponsored pieces so that our daughter will have the knowledge of you for the rest of her life.

Sponsor 1 piece for $15.  

There are 4 ways to donate:


1.  NEW!!!  For a tax deductible donation, go to the Donate! tab above and send your donation to LifeSong for Orphans.  They will hold all funds until our agency requests them.  LifeSong has provided us with an interest-free adoption loan but it will not cover the remaing fees or travel fees.  But this is the only tax deductible way for you to donate, so take advantage of it!  I'm grateful they will assist us in so many ways.

2.  Click on the Donate! tab above and click on the Chip In button to donate electronically (PayPal rates do apply).  Be sure to leave a comment here on this page so we know what names to write on the back of your piece(s).


3.  To avoid PayPal fees, send a check payable to La Vida International directly to our adoption agency (address and instructions on the Donate! tab above).  Again, be sure to comment here so we know how many pieces you are sponsoring and what names we are to write on the back.  Our agency will not administrate the fundraiser, but they will collect all fees since they make all our travel arrangements.


4.  Or send us a check in the mail to Jay's office (address also on the Donate! tab above) or see us in person if you are local to either one of us.

Three easy ways to donate, just take your pick!

As the days go by we will assemble the puzzle, learn a bit about China as a family, take pictures and post our progress here.  If we can get all the pieces sponsored, it will cover airfare and lodging for both Jay and I to fly to China as soon as we receive our travel approval.

Time is of the essence here folks!  We only have a matter of weeks to make this happen because once our paperwork arrives and is approved by China and US Immigration, our agency starts making travel arrangements immediately.  So rally the family, get the kids involved, share this on your blog, ask your parents, neighbors, coworkers to get behind us and help bring our daughter home.  Please help us complete the puzzle by Christmas!

There is no training to help one prepare for the adventure that is international adoption, but it is not puzzling as to how we've made it through.  We've conquered the mountain with the support, warm wishes and prayers of all of you.  We're forever grateful!

Trying to Complete the Puzzle,
Brooke, Jay, the boys and 1 waiting girl in China

Approved!

Just minutes ago I got off the phone with LifeSong for Orphans. They have approved us for an interest-free adoption loan! Praise God!!!!!

The amount we will receive will not cover the remaining expenses though. It will leave us short by $3000 plus travel fees. So, please keep us in your prayers for these final amounts. Donate if you can, pass our blog along to family and friends who might be able to help, host a fundraiser, help us get creative and find ways to come up with the remaining costs.

Still no LOA yet. Any China families out there receiving yours recently? Any clue of the current wait times? As you can see by the ticker above, we're going on 3 months and everyday I expect the call from my agency.

Still no bites on the house either. More showings but no offers. It will only get harder come wintertime. We've had contractors in to estimate paint and trim work for the basement that we finished ourselves. I feel like my realtor wasted his time by talking to the contractors for their suggestions when nothing they would do would add any value to my home. Besides, we don't have the funds to pay for the work anyway. My mom is retiring soon and she has offered to come out and help me paint a couple of rooms to make them more neutral. I need a buyer who can look past paint colors. Keep praying because this gets more trying by the day and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I need this to end or I'm going to lose my mind!

Thank you, God for the blessing of an adoption loan! You continue to provide everything we need for the daughter You designed for us. Thank you! Amen.

1 Week - Keep Praying

One week behind us and still no word on the adoption loan I mentioned in my previous post or our LOA.  So please keep us in your prayers for both this week.  Pray for God's favor on our adoption finances and that He would provide every penny we need so our daughter can come home without delay!

Also, still no house sale yet.  We've been super close 3 times but the clients always choose the other house.  Maddening!  Living in limbo is getting really difficult and stressful with the approaching holidays.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and they are talking and you are listening and what they say takes you off guard and makes you stop in your tracks because what they are saying might just be the truth, the crazy truth, something you hadn't thought of yourself?  I had one of those moments when I called one of my best friends in MN to tell her about our referral.  She said to me, "Brooke, maybe this is why your house hasn't sold.  Maybe your daughter is coming home first."  Whoa.  Mind blowing.  Maybe she's right.  As these weeks and months drag on and on with no sale, the more and more convinced we are that our sweet girl is the priority, not the house.

A friend from our new church said to me recently, "Wouldn't it be just like God to work things out so that one of you needs to be in China picking up your daughter and the other [spouse] will need to be in NE packing up and closing on your house?"  Again, it was a stop-dead-in-your-tracks kind of statement.  I don't know if God is speaking through these 2 friends, but perhaps, just perhaps He is.  And if that's the case, then we could be just 2-3 months away from traveling to China and selling our house at the same time.  We'll see how He has it all unfold.

Keep praying, people!    Oh please, keep praying!

2 Weeks - A Call to Prayer

This morning I received a phone call from LifeSong for Orphans, an organization that provides grants and interest-free adoption loans.  They are processing our application for an interest-free loan and they had questions about our application.  I spoke with the gal for 15 minutes or so and fine tuned the numbers and dollars and timing we are facing.  She said in 2 weeks they will make their decision about our application!

Will you add us to your prayer list for the following two weeks and ask God for His favor regarding this loan application and that He would provide us the funds we need?  Our remaining expenses are:

$555 - US Consulate Fees - due upon receipt of LOA
$7367 - China adoption Fee - due upon receipt of LOA

It would be my prayer that LifeSong would provide a loan to cover the 2 costs above because they will be due when we receive our LOA from China, which should be arriving ANY DAY NOW!

After that we will very quickly owe travel fees which will be near the amount of $7800 per person.  We'll climb that mountain when we get there.  In the meantime, you can still donate!  Click on the donate tab above to find out how.  Above all...

Please pray for God's favor on our adoption finances by providing us with this interest-free loan from LifeSong, enough to cover the LOA fees above.

Thanks to one and all for praying our daughter home!  You are all a part of her story in a major way!

Pictures!

Today I got a gift I've been waiting for ever since we got our referral -- updated pictures! It's killing me to refrain from posting online, but I will continue to abide by my agency's wishes. The pictures in our referral were dated. I'm guessing they were from her intake day at the orphanage or shortly thereafter. Today's pictures are much more recent. My how she has grown!

While I was literally jumping up and down with joy and spinning circles in the living room with my iPad in hand, there is definitely a bitter side to seeing her face too. I feel the miles and oceans in between us for sure and my heart breaks that she has no clue who we are and how much we adore her. Secondly, I could tell by her sweet runny nose that she has a cold in these pictures. Oh, I should be the one with the Kleenex box cleaning that sweet face! I should be the one snuggling and cuddling that cold away!

We still await a buyer for our home.

We still live in limbo.

We still wait for our LOA.

We still wait to bring our daughter home.

But I am thankful for today's gift. Please praise God for His blessing today!

The Call

I love reading adoption blogs and hearing how others hear their call to adopt.  It's a journey for all of us.  So, share with us the next step as we drive the roads of international adoption.  You've got shotgun.  Jump into the passenger seat of my silver SUV with Nebraska license plates and enjoy the ride.

On a Tuesday morning at the end of August, we're parked in the school parking lot, a few minutes earlier than expected, so we're just sitting waiting.  The kids have their seatbelts unbuckled and are fiddling with carseats and kids stuff in the backseat when my cell rings.  I didn't recognize the number but we had a few minutes to spare before the school bell rang, so I answered it. 

"Hello, this is Brooke," I always answer when I don't recognize the caller ID.

"Hi Brooke.  This is E at La Vida and we actually have the file of a little girl for you to consider," she said calmly.

I couldn't believe my ears.  I know I must have said, "Oh my gosh," "You're kidding," or something like that.  This was the referral call we have dreamed of for over 2 years!  I had always hoped I'd get the call when I was home, with my husband, with the camera in hand, set to video mode so I could have it record every word that I heard, every word I uttered, the reactions on our faces, the tears of joy that we shed.  No such luck.  Jay was at work.  I was in the car.  Sure, the camera was in my purse but was the battery charged?  Sadly, no. 

With awkward giggles through happy tears flooding my eyes, I listened to the details of a little darling in China who needed a forever family.  I heard her age, her birthdate, the day she was relinquished, the orphanage where she has been living, her special needs that have her on the CCCWA waiting child list. 

"Do you want me to email the file to you?" I was asked.

"Oh my gosh, yes!"  I said happily but calmly. 

I was totally on the boarder of screaming with joy and it surprised me that I wasn't shouting from the rooftops.  I just kept giggling and crying, crying and giggling, to which my case worker only laughed herself.  I swear I could hear her smile over the phone.  Oh, the joy she must feel on those days when she gets to announce a long awaited miracle for waiting parents!

Having totally lost track of time, I'm thankful we didn't miss the school bell.  The phone call was quick and I was told to expect the file in 15 minutes via email.  I waited in the school yard with my boys for the school bell to ring and then called my husband immediately as I walked back to my car in the parking lot.  Not even 5 minutes had elapsed.

"I got it," he answered. 

No, "Hello."  No, "Hi, Hun."  No, "What's up?"  He had received the email and opened it in the midst of a webinar he was listening to by himself in his office.  I'm guessing he probably didn't get much out of the session!  He just said, "I got it."

I raced to my waiting email and saw it with my own eyes.  I saw the picture of a round faced baby girl with fuzzy black hair and chubby cheeks.  I read her name and hoped I was pronouncing it correctly.  I read through the English translation of all the info our caseworker gave to me over the phone.  I read the medical report.  Then I talked to my husband, who under the circumstances of our upcoming move to California, sounded quite hesitant.

"What do we do?" he asked.

His hesitation worried me.  I couldn't say no to this child unless God closed the door.  Thankfully, Jay didn't want to say no either.  But we discussed the issue of his new job in California and our house for sale and our lives and stuff still in Nebraska.  How can we make this happen? 

We quickly decided a talk with our agency was in order.  Over the course of 24 hours while we had this little darling's medical files reviewed by our pediatrician and our doctor neighbor, our agency decided that we could pursue this sweet girl even in the midst of our move.  So, we began the preliminary paperwork, due in a quick 48 hours to our agency, to lock this little one in for our family.  What a whirlwind!  It was a twister that left us busy, hurried, exhausted with one of those "good headaches" by mid-afternoon.  Our Letter of Intent (LOI) was submitted immediately to our agency who had it translated and then sent overseas.

On September 5, we received our preliminary approval that basically means at a glance, it looks like this little one will be ours.  China now pulls our dossier and goes through it with a fine toothed comb then hopefully they issue us a Letter of Approval (LOA) in the next 1-4 months.

In the meantime, we're praying for a miracle in the form of a house sale, or maybe not.  See, if our house sells quickly, then we won't have to delay our daughter for too long.  We'll have to update paperwork in California, but hopefully we can do that quickly while we await approval from China.  If the house sells after we get final approval from China, then we risk delaying her, maybe even for quite some time while we update paperwork at that time.  At the same rate, perhaps this is the reason our house hasn't sold at all.  Maybe we're going to get our daughter first.  It's hard to understand.  But it is what it is and God has it all under control.

We honestly don’t know how to pray or how to ask for help or advice.  We just need God to show up and show us the way to California and to China.  Would you pray He makes the path clear to us so that our daughter’s best interests are met?


And just as an editor's note, we will not be giving you our daughter's name, location, age, special needs or anything personal.  We will not even post a picture.  While we want to share this with you immediately, our agency has the best interests of the children in mind and asks their clients to sign a confidentiality agreement.  Rest assured, when she is legally ours and in our arms in China, we will post all the fun details!  Thanks for respecting us, our agency and our daughter!