I'm sending this letter with an URGENT stamp on it because it is of highest importance! You are part of our family, part of our team and we need you. Raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is so incredibly difficult and we, your grown kids, need your help. Thanks to trusted professionals, I have some detailed advice for you on how to help your RAD grandchild thrive while under your care. What I have to outline looks likely very different from what you envisioned grand-parenting to be like. Rest assured, we have recently put this outline to the test and have every reason to believe that it works! Disclaimer: Run this post by your adult children and allow them to tailor this to the needs of their family. But these guidelines from our attachment therapist worked wonders for our family!
Here are the top 10 list of Dos and Don'ts:
(In no particular order...)
*** ONE ***
Don't: Allow your RAD grandchild any unsupervised, independent time alone! These kids can and do get into trouble quickly! They love to see what they can get away with!
Do: Keep a 6-Foot Rule. Keep these kids close to you all day long. They can play at your feet or sit on the couch next to you. If you need to cook a meal, they can sit at the table doing a quiet project. If you need to get work done outside, they can follow you or you can even tie a 6-foot rope from your belt loop to theirs! If you are out in public, the child should walk next to you, preferably holding hands with you, or slightly behind you -- never out in front or running off from you!
*** TWO ***
Don't: Go out for lots of special events. Taking these kids to the zoo or a favorite restaurant can cause a child to feel unsafe away from home, even though they may show excitement with a special trip. They can become over stimulated and wreak havoc everywhere they go! Trust me, my mother-in-law took my kids everywhere during one of our work trips and my daughter stole from shops, threw massive tantrums in public, and on and on. Save yourself the hassle and embarrassment!
Do: Stay home with the kids. No amusement parks. No special shopping trips (no special gifts for them either). No zoo. No dinners out. No picnics by the lake. No walks to the park to play! Stay home! This is the child's safe zone. We want all the fun stuff, the awesome activities to come from mom and dad!
*** THREE ***
Don't: Offer sweet treats!
Do: You're not surprised to hear that kids consume too much sugar these days! Sugar alters the brain and there is science to back up that statement! We do not offer sweets in our house unless on very special occasions. Sugar amps up my daughter like no other! Grandparents, offer healthy meals and maybe eliminate desserts all together while the child is in your care! Feed your RAD child a lot of protein-rich foods to fill them up! Again, we want all the special fun treats to come from mom and dad!
*** FOUR ***
Don't: Allow the child any choices! This will lead to manipulation and trouble! You'll have a child who constantly is pushing you to get what they want. They'll start with something small and work their way up. And contrary to popular opinion, these kids cannot and should not get what they want all the live long day!
Do: Make all the decisions, every decision, all day long for the child. This includes laying out clothes, shoes, what will be served for all meals and snacks, what you will do throughout the day. I'm not kidding when I say the child gets zero choices!
*** FIVE ***
Don't: Allow electronic devices of any kind!
Do: Unplug! This won't come as a shock to your generation: kids these days are obsessed with electronics! They don't connect to people one-on-one. So why on earth would we give an attachment challenged child an electronic game, laptop, device or TV of any kind? My daughter easily becomes obsessed with any kind of electronic device she is given and will easily throw a raging fit if you take it away! These kids need to learn how to connect with people and they cannot do that if they have their eyes glued to an electronic screen! Turn off the TV and hide the remotes. Unplug the DVD player and stash it in a storage closet. Remove your laptops or computers. Hopefully parents have made sure handheld devices aren't even available, but if the child sneaks one in, take it away and lock it up somewhere. If the parents want to Skype or Facetime while they are away, do so on their schedule and make sure the computer is removed after the call.
Do also alternate play time with exercise time. Make sure these kids get lots of exercise during the day! A tired child is a child who sleeps well. And a rested child is much easier to deal with! Go for long walks. Have them jump rope, jump on a trampoline, play basketball if you have a hoop, be active! Alternate that exercise time with more quiet play like artwork or reading (a book, not an electronic device). We use a block of 30-40 minutes for exercise time and quiet play.
*** SIX ***
Don't: Change the schedule. Stick as close to the child's known schedule as possible. These kids are master manipulators and they love to manipulate grandparents! In our house, we actually have blue painter's tape over every digital clock in the house because knowing the time of day turns our RAD daughter into a master manipulator!
Do: Keep mealtimes, play times and bed times as close to normal as possible. The change from being away from mom and dad is change enough! Keeping close to their known routine will help a child feel safe, reducing the amount of misbehavior.
*** SEVEN ***
Don't: Put up with violent behavior. Some of our RAD kids are known to be violent at times. They might have a history of hurting themselves or others. Obviously, this needs to be stopped immediately! Hopefully, your RAD grandchild will be on their most excellent behavior with you and these outbursts won't even happen!
Do: Be prepared! If your grandchild rages, put the child in their room with the door closed until they are quiet for 2-3 minutes straight. Hold or swaddle the child in a sheet if the child is younger and you are able. Hold them tightly until you feel their body relax. If the child is staying in your home, you may want to create a safe space for them such as a guest room with all (and I mean all) breakables and valuables removed. You'll be surprised what these kids can get into and break when they are angry and scared and acting out!
*** EIGHT ***
Don't: Plan out your day. No agendas, no checklists, bucket lists, etc.
Do: Keep your child in the present. Don't share any thoughts or ideas about what is going to happen during the day. This can cause manipulation and games. Even if you say you're going to grill chicken for dinner in a few hours and you mistakenly burn the chicken and have to order pizzas, that is enough to make the child feel unsafe and become massively dis-regulated! Keep all conversation about the here and now!
*** NINE ***
Don't: Hug your grandchildren. I know. You think I'm a whack, a nut, and you're about ready to just turn off your computer and never open it again. Hugs are an intimate point of bonding! Yes, these kids needs lots of hugs to heal their broken RAD hearts. But those hugs must come from the parents only! These kids can tend to parent-shop and cling to whoever will give them the love, joy and affection they need. They need to learn to find that in their parents first!
Do: Offer high fives and pats on the back. Believe it or not, you can still offer affection without a hug and kiss to your precious grandbaby! A smile, a high five, pats on the back and solid eye contact are plenty for the RAD child. The goal here is that we want the child missing those hugs, that closeness, that bonding from mom and dad! I can personally attest that we have done this and when we returned home after a week away, my RAD child sought me out in the van on the way home from the airport, reaching out to me, wanting to hold my hand, to be as close to me as possible! As absurd as this sounds, grandparents, this works! I've seen it. I've lived it!
*** TEN ***
Don't: Talk about these strange, odd rules in front of the RAD child. Don't talk badly about the parents. This easily causes the child to think their parents really are crazy and that they shouldn't mind them. All the work your grown children have done with therapists will go down the drain very quickly if the RAD child knows you're not part of the team!
Do: Talk up your grown children and make sure your grandchild knows what awesome parents they have! The work we are doing raising these kids is agonizingly hard! We've had to learn a whole new set of parenting techniques to heal these kids and their broken hearts and misfiring brains! We fight so hard for these kids and we see countless therapists and put our time and money into finding proper help that we so desperately need! Your grown children need your love and support now, perhaps, more than ever! And your grandchildren need to see you cheering the parents on like crazy!
*** ELEVEN (because this really needs to be added) ***
Don't: Forget about your healthy grandkids. Your healthy grandkids deal with a lot of stress in their homes with a sibling with RAD. They deal with the behaviors, the manipulation, the therapies and trips to the professionals too. They need a break just as much as the weary parents do!
Do: Spoil your healthy grandkids! Spoil them rotten! Love on them! They need you to pour into them. Now, there is a balance here when you have healthy kids and RAD kids. If there are 2 grandparents available, have 1 stay home with the RAD child while the second grandparent takes the healthy grandkids to a movie, to the pool, to the store for a special treat, to the frozen yogurt shop, you name it! Healthy kids can handle all that stuff and they need it because they give up a lot of this in their every day lives! If there is only 1 grandparent available, make that spoiling time after the RAD child has gone to bed. Rent a movie, make ice cream sundaes, have a campfire outside and roast marshmallows, have special gifts tucked away from them that they can open and play with away from their siblings' eyes! And your favorite thing: hug the stuffing out of your healthy grandkids! They need it! They need your love pouring into them!
Grandparents, remember that old joke about your job as grandparent is to spoil your grandbabies rotten and then send them back to their parents all hyped up and wild? I know we all laugh at that. But your grown child of a RAD child begs you to reconsider! Not adhering to your grown child's parenting wishes and desires could set your RAD grandbaby back months! Please do all you can to listen to and abide by the advice, rules, limits your grown kids put before you. You hate it when someone wastes your time or money, right? Well, don't waste your grown kids' time and money that they have put into therapies and professional help for their RAD kids!
Grandparents, you can do this! I know it sounds scary and maybe even downright ludicrous! But I can attest to you that my mom and stepdad just did all the above during our 10 days away and it worked! They did an amazing job at keeping these rules suggested by our Attachment Therapist. Not only was my mom pleased with her time here, she actually enjoyed it! While my RAD daughter played quietly 6 feet away from her, she painted my deck (something I had the desire to do myself, but had no time to do myself because of therapies for my RAD child). They took walks. They read books. They colored. They worked in the yard using a 6-foot rope around their belt loops to keep my daughter close. They didn't go to the zoo. They didn't go out for pizza. They stayed close to home and they ordered pizza for delivery.
Grandparents, I can fully attest to you that when we came home, my RAD daughter was excited to see us! She hugged us and smiled and almost couldn't take her eyes off of us! She wanted to engage and touch and be held. She wanted that close attachment that comes so agonizingly hard for her! The program worked and we were all pleased, parents and grandparents alike!
And lastly, Grandparents, I want you to know that this is all very likely temporary! With hope and with therapy, these kids (my RAD child included) can heal from Reactive Attachment Disorder! With time, hopefully your RAD grandkids will heal and become that healthy child everyone wants them to be! And when that time comes, you will be able to spoil them rotten like you so badly want to do! We have your back! We believe in you! You can do this! Your grown kids and your grandkids (healthy and RAD) need you so much!
